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Old 09-12-2011, 05:34 PM
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Default practicing poly but not ID'ing as poly?

So, in the thread on porn, three different people just mentioned that they don't self-identify as poly. This interests me, but I didn't want to derail the thread any more than we already had, so here's a new one.

This thread is not not NOT about telling anyone how they should self-identify! That's a complex personal decision. However, if you do practice polyamory (I'm not talking about the mono's who are in poly-mono relationships), that is to say you have more than one loving relationship or are open to it, but don't ID as poly, I'm curious to hear why.

Thanks much!
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Old 09-12-2011, 05:57 PM
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It`s actually for simplicity sake, for me.

I have the ability to love more then one.

I don`t have the ability to carry out polyamorous relationships, as defined by the majority who engage in polyamory. What the majority believes as 'ethical' is not what I believe.

So rather then split hairs, or bowl everyone over to my way of thinking, I just don't identify. Keeps it simple, and stops many wanting that style of life, from hoping I`ll be what they desire.

( Do all poly people think the same way ? noooooo, I am sure there are some who view things as I do, but for simplicity sake, I let majority rule. The label just doesn`t mean that much to me. )
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Old 09-12-2011, 06:00 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Because i only identify as part of a group based on hobbies or recreation, not based on something that is a component of my personality or internal workings.

I can sum it up this way, i've said this before - i go to nude beaches to be nude, not to be a nudist. I joined roller derby to skate, not to be a roller-girl. I have relationships with people because i like something about the person, not to be polyamorous.

Also, i am not out there looking for people to become involved with. I don't think of myself as "available" even though i do meet some people's criteria for that definition.
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Old 09-12-2011, 06:54 PM
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I've explained my view a few times before, but I guess the most succinct way I can express it is to say that I view polyamory as a relationship structure, not an orientation or personality trait. I am extremely doubtful and skeptical about the notion that our brains are "wired" to be either poly or mono. I see the ability to love multiple people as a natural option for any human being, but that many factors come into play as to whether it feels right to someone to engage in polyamory, and those are mostly cultural conditioning, personal preferences, and a leaning or willingness to step out of accepted conventions in order to allow themselves the experience of loving more than one, among other things.

Therefore, I choose to live polyamorously, I choose to embrace polyamory, but I am not "wired" poly -- hence I don't ID as poly. Sometimes, for simplicity's sake, I do use the phrase, "I'm polyamorous," and what I mean by that is I choose to practice or am open to practicing polyamory. But it's not who I am. I tend to dislike using a label to define what I'm about. Same as saying I'm separated. It's my marital status, but not my identity.


That's my logic to approaching it, anyway.

I very much resonate with the "alternate point of view" stated in Item 11 (scroll down) on this page:
http://www.faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/faq/
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-12-2011 at 09:35 PM.
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Old 09-12-2011, 07:55 PM
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I don't identify. Why? Well I guess that I have heard so many definitions about what polyamory is and what it is not..... and I know that I fit in there somewhere, but I do not want to tell someone that I am polyamorous and have them forming an idea of how I am that might not be how I am at all. If that makes any sense?

I am also just averse to using labels. I know this sounds kind of weird, but to me labels seem to have some kind of finality to them. I know that they can help one to find like minded individuals. but at the same time I feel like there is no room for growth or change... and I often wonder if by taking on a label we sometimes limit ourselves or close ourselves off to things. I don't know, I might just be talking out of my ass today....
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Old 09-12-2011, 07:59 PM
Hardison Hardison is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
I don`t have the ability to carry out polyamorous relationships, as defined by the majority who engage in polyamory. What the majority believes as 'ethical' is not what I believe.
This is interesting, can you explain a little more about what you mean?
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Old 09-12-2011, 08:22 PM
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Nice topic. My boyfriend does not identify as poly, he says he dislikes labels in general & the inference that he would have to act a certain way just because he labelled himself. However, he has had pseudo-poly relationships in the past. He thinks that an ethical poly situation with multiple partners would be a happy situation for us & that he would feel satisfied, although we are currently practicing monogamy, we are chatting with another couple & he is interested, participating, & not undermining the potential value or anything like that. He states that he is mostly self sufficient & thus, he could be content in Either a monogamous relationship with me or a poly-non-monogamous situation.

On the other hand, I don't mind self identifying as non-monogamous because monogamy has previously failed for me. Or I fail at monogamy... lol I get irritated when people try to confuse my bisexuality/pansexuality with my poly feelings. My sexuality is usually about sexual preference, & my polyamory is about my preference in relationship dynamics. I actually realized I was poly (& dated two men) before I accepted I also had interest in women. I had previously had an emotional relationship with a woman, but I just chalked it up to being friends because I was scared to 'come out' to my peers & I was pretty young so I wasn't really sure about anything at the time, all I knew was that I was attracted to men sexually so I thought that Must mean I was straight.

I think that many people choose not to self-identify because they realize that at different stages in life, your preferences have the potential to change. I am not sure where I read this exactly, but I do know that there are several studies about it.

Last edited by Senga; 09-12-2011 at 08:25 PM.
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Old 09-12-2011, 08:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hardison View Post
This is interesting, can you explain a little more about what you mean?
It`s probably best to just go through old posts of mine. There is a lot
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Old 09-13-2011, 03:28 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Because i only identify as part of a group based on hobbies or recreation, not based on something that is a component of my personality or internal workings.

I can sum it up this way, i've said this before - i go to nude beaches to be nude, not to be a nudist. I joined roller derby to skate, not to be a roller-girl. I have relationships with people because i like something about the person, not to be polyamorous.

Also, i am not out there looking for people to become involved with. I don't think of myself as "available" even though i do meet some people's criteria for that definition.
For once, I actually agree with what NK has to say.

I feel I do identify myself as poly though. Not like I walk down the street and scream to everyone like a stereotypical gay man. =P But it's certainly a word I use a lot to describe myself.
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Old 09-13-2011, 03:47 AM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
... I view polyamory as a relationship structure, not an orientation or personality trait. I am extremely doubtful and skeptical about the notion that our brains are "wired" to be either poly or mono. I see the ability to love multiple people as a natural option for any human being, but that many factors come into play as to whether it feels right to someone to engage in polyamory...
+1
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