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  #211  
Old 09-12-2011, 02:51 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by polycouple View Post
She did support us spending time together when she had to work, but we were respectful of her boundaries to not be intimate while she was not there (save a few times early on when we broke those boundaries).
Care to explain this part ? You and Tom broke boundaries at some point early on ?

It takes people a long time to regain trust, when boundaries are broke in crucial stages.
The history is in this thread: Moving toward equanimity in a triad - What is your experience?
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-12-2011 at 02:54 AM.
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  #212  
Old 09-12-2011, 02:54 AM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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Ugh. What is it about some people who are coupled failing to understand the importance of individual time with each partner?? How are you supposed to build basic emotional intimacy if you can never really connect with someome on a one to one basis? Can't they see that the fact that they get to spend time one on one with each other, but you don't get that sort of time with either of them, leaves you always the outsider? How do they think that is supposed to make you feel? What is the rationale for it? Does she think her husband will leave her for you if you two bond? If so, how can she be in this situation in the first place?

I think she has some serious soul searching to do as to her reasoning for that particular boundary, and its impact on the relationship structure she is trying to build.
So you're in a triad with a married couple, and you don't face any of these issues? I am envious!


Sarah and Tom are new to this polyamory thing. Falling in love with me is nothing they, or I expected. They were also mono for 5 years. Her jealousy management has not caught up with her hearts ability to fall in love with two people. I understand all this, but it is still extremely frustrating and sadening for me. Problem is, it's taking a toll on me, and I am not sure where the line between compassion/patience and being taken advantage of is. Sometimes I feel really taken advantage of...
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  #213  
Old 09-12-2011, 03:12 AM
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So you're in a triad with a married couple, and you don't face any of these issues? I am envious!
Not a triad *exactly* (see my signature). If I were dating Eric as well as Gia maybe some of these insecurities would have come up. But my stance would still be the same. Anyways, we have our own issues, like anyone.

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Problem is, it's taking a toll on me, and I am not sure where the line between compassion/patience and being taken advantage of is. Sometimes I feel really taken advantage of...
This will erode things very quickly if it doesn't change. I would suggest gently seeking the time with them for a serious talk soon (while being sensitive to the time and energy issues they seem to be having right now)... and if they just can't or won't give that to you, telling them that you need to step back from things for now for your own emotional well-being, and that they are welcome to contact you when they are ready to treat you like the sort of partner you want to be to them (try to say it in the most straight forward and least emotionally manipulative way possible... my wording may not have been the best).

Of course, then you have to actually follow through and step back. It might be good for you, you can focus on other things and regroup, relax. With space, hopefully they'll either realize how much they miss you or realize that they feel better on their own... if the latter, well, better that come out sooner rather than later.
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  #214  
Old 09-12-2011, 05:18 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Care to explain this part ? You and Tom broke boundaries at some point early on ?

It takes people a long time to regain trust, when boundaries are broke in crucial stages.
This is the part that hit me. And I will admit right now, honesty and trust are big-ticket items for me personally, so take this with a grain of salt.

For me, personally... if I was with someone who, with my husband, broke boundaries we had established-- there would need to be a lot of work afterward in order to regain trust. For *me*... I understand people fuck up. But when you fuck up you admit you fucked up, you apologize for fucking up and then you ask what it takes to regain that trust and do it. I see way too many people who break someone's trust and then don't understand why the relationship has changed and people and things don't work as they did before.

And for *me*... once that trust is broken, I would WANT to forgive, but unless the other person is expressing apologies for breaking my trust and wanting to know how to fix it-- it wouldn't happen.

I did go back and reread the other thread. I think the two of you (you and Tom) have been abusing her trust. Sorry, that's how I feel. You spend 5 nights together--just because you CAN? And you broke her trust and basically cheated behind her back... cuz you couldn't help yourselves? Nice.

She may not know you cheated, or have proof, but my guess is she has a feeling about it and that's what is keeping her from fully engaging in this relationship. Match that with Tom's past of cheating and lying to her-- and you wonder why she doesn't jump at your texts at feeling left out?

I'm just not getting how this is an honest relationship in any way...
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  #215  
Old 09-12-2011, 02:17 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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You've told us before how much your alone time with Tom bothered Sarah. It sounds like she's taking the time she needs now, maybe catching up on what she missed over the last little while.

Yes, she was jealous and insecure, but as I recall, you spent nearly all of your free time with Tom. That would scream cowgirl to me.

To me, you sound needy and codependent ... So very lonely when you're only 15 minutes away? It would be an instant turn-off for me.

Go out, make some more friends. Join new activities. Give them some space to rebuild their relationship.

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I did go back and reread the other thread. I think the two of you (you and Tom) have been abusing her trust. Sorry, that's how I feel. You spend 5 nights together--just because you CAN? And you broke her trust and basically cheated behind her back... cuz you couldn't help yourselves? Nice.

She may not know you cheated, or have proof, but my guess is she has a feeling about it and that's what is keeping her from fully engaging in this relationship. Match that with Tom's past of cheating and lying to her-- and you wonder why she doesn't jump at your texts at feeling left out?

I'm just not getting how this is an honest relationship in any way...
This. Karma is a bitch and I don't think you're suffering any more than Sarah was while you and Tom were joined at the hip.
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  #216  
Old 09-12-2011, 02:33 PM
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Thanks nycindie !

Having caught up on the situation, I can say that the display of insensitivity, impatience, feeling taken advantage of, and sadness might be more on the other foot.

We reap what we sow.
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  #217  
Old 09-12-2011, 03:26 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I just read the OP's other thread. I think the other posters are being a little harsh, polycouple. That's what we do here, tough love, and certainly it's better to be honest if a boundary was broken, but knowing the history of the situation doesn't change my take on it significantly (I assume you were sincere about your remorse and it didn't happen again, at least?).

If anything, my biggest new piece of advice based on reading your other thread is that I think y'all moved too fast. It's *hard* integrating a new person into an existing relationship, there are sooooo many dynamics to work out, and to so quickly start spending 5-6 nights a week with one of the members of the couple you're involved with... well, I can see how whiplash happened for the other member, and how things just didn't go smoothly, especially since it sounded like you guys prioritized sex over the hard work of talking out your feelings/fears/desires and figuring out a setup that would actually work for all involved.

Slowing down and more long, deep talks should have happened earlier. Hopefully it's not too late for them to happen now. Be brave. Equality is a great goal but it takes significant time. Are you interested in or "allowed" to date outside them?
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  #218  
Old 09-12-2011, 04:10 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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I just read the OP's other thread. I think the other posters are being a little harsh, polycouple. That's what we do here, tough love, and certainly it's better to be honest if a boundary was broken, but knowing the history of the situation doesn't change my take on it significantly (I assume you were sincere about your remorse and it didn't happen again, at least?).

If anything, my biggest new piece of advice based on reading your other thread is that I think y'all moved too fast. It's *hard* integrating a new person into an existing relationship, there are sooooo many dynamics to work out, and to so quickly start spending 5-6 nights a week with one of the members of the couple you're involved with... well, I can see how whiplash happened for the other member, and how things just didn't go smoothly, especially since it sounded like you guys prioritized sex over the hard work of talking out your feelings/fears/desires and figuring out a setup that would actually work for all involved.

Slowing down and more long, deep talks should have happened earlier. Hopefully it's not too late for them to happen now. Be brave. Equality is a great goal but it takes significant time. Are you interested in or "allowed" to date outside them?
Yea, I think people are being a little harsh too, but there is a lot of truth to some of it.

I think I am not suffering anymore than Sarah was when she had to go to work and experienced Tom and I together so much.

I do believe what Tom and I did was wrong and I wish we never had broken boundaries. We made the decision to stop a long time ago, and to keep it in the past. I know many of you will have a huge problem with that, and I understand why. It's dishonest. I know many of you will also believe that the relationship will never be genuine because of this, that I deserve all the bad things I have coming to me, and that I am a horrible, terrible person and give poly a bad name.

I've wondered if I am codependent, maybe I am. I also thought my feeling s are kind of natural since I went from seeing them every day, to seeing them a few times a week for much shorter spans of time. Isn't it natural to miss the peolpe you love when you don;t see them as much?

I also think part of my loneliness is due to suffering from my breakup with my fiance, who I was with for 9 years. We were poly, and broke up about three months into my relationship with Tom and Sarah.

I def think I need to date and continue to see friends outside of my relationship which is advice I headed from the last thread I posted. I am an introverted person so meeting and trying to build friendship is not always energizing, in fact sometimes its flat out exhausting. I am someone who really appreciates having a few very intimate and close friends and companions. Does that make me codependent?

I just miss Tom and Sarah so much....I guess no one really understands what a big difference 15 minutes makes when they were once 50 feet away. They have asked me to move in with them as a solution to all this. I don't think that is a good option considering what I have heard others on here have been through. Plus, I said I would need the boundaries to be different before moving in together. Plus, they have a cat and I am allergic, and I really appreciate my own space at the end of the day. We sometimes fantasize about building an in law apartment...some day if the relationship continues that might be a good option. Of course, I have no idea where the job market will take me when I get my masters.

Anywho, I really appreciate everyone reading my long winded posts, even those that give me "tough love," and even those that flat out criticize me. The guidance and support is most helpful to me, so thank you most of all to those who remain compassionate despite the things I am not proud of.
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  #219  
Old 09-12-2011, 04:24 PM
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I know you just said you weren't going to, but I feel the need to emphasize this... DO NOT. MOVE IN. WITH THEM. The fact they would suggest this highlights how new to poly they are. Greater proximity will greatly exacerbate whatever problems you're having now, it is in no way a solution.

Maybe you could find some articles, essays or other people's personal stories that resonate with your situation and ask them if they would read them. Their lack of understanding is natural but dangerous.

I think you're headed in a good direction with becoming more independent of them.

And as for the boundary breaking, if you're determined to leave it in the past then do so. Make sure you've really, really forgiven yourself and let it go. Not every secret *has* to be revealed. I have a strong policy of honesty, but I do believe that.
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  #220  
Old 09-12-2011, 04:32 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I do believe what Tom and I did was wrong and I wish we never had broken boundaries. We made the decision to stop a long time ago, and to keep it in the past. I know many of you will have a huge problem with that, and I understand why. It's dishonest. I know many of you will also believe that the relationship will never be genuine because of this, that I deserve all the bad things I have coming to me, and that I am a horrible, terrible person and give poly a bad name..
I can only speak for myself, in that we all do things that come back at us in some way. We all screw up, we all make mistakes. Nobody "deserves" bad shit to happen to them, sometimes it just does. But when we cause a situation by dishonesty and then it's not a positive situation--because it was dishonest-- that's not deserving something. That's consequences of actions. Maybe it's the mom in me, teaching my kids that when you do certain things you have to understand the consequences will come and they may not be nice. Doesn't mean they're bad people, just people that made a bad choice.

Still, it's not so much the mistakes we make, but how we act in the face of those mistakes. "Putting it in the past" was easier for the two of you, so that's what you did. And I do understand wanting to do that-- I truly do. I just think too often people do the easy thing instead of the right thing.

And I will say I am SUPER sensitive to this type of issue because I have been Sarah. So it is very personal to me, and I am sure that I sound (and am) very harsh about it. To me, honesty and trust is the basis of any friendship or relationship and without that, everything else is worthless and fake.

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I also think part of my loneliness is due to suffering from my breakup with my fiance, who I was with for 9 years. We were poly, and broke up about three months into my relationship with Tom and Sarah.
It sounds like you have had a lot of loss lately. Maybe it's time to sit and figure out what that loss meant to you, and what you can do for yourself to get a bit more comfortable with some alone time to heal. Perhaps you clung onto them when you lost your fiance, and in all honesty you haven't really dealt with that loss at all yet, so the "loss" of so much time with them that was helping you NOT feel loss seems so much worse.

I've had to do a lot of looking at myself lately in the same arena-- in dealing with feelings that I've been burying or ignoring for a long time, in learning how to spend time alone again, and in finding a complete life by myself that I share with somebody instead of trying to make someone else my whole life. And I'm an introvert, too-- I get EXHAUSTED being social. And none of this is easy. Just something to think about, but maybe having a bit more time away from them will end up being a good thing that allows you to get more in tune with what you need from yourself-- and helps you bring a better you to the relationship.
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