Do you hear what I hear? - Bubblegum Crisis (2 of 3)
Ok, Flashback time. This is a retrograde into things that had happened, mostly since our anniversary, which suddenly made me feel like a real ass. Itís probably going to come across as angry and hurt, and insofar as the messages I received, itís probably rightly so. Thatís doesnít mean itís the same as the message that was sent, or intended. This isnít to vilify anyone, but an exercise to express the feelings that arise as a consequence of actions, and will hopefully be useful to those who wonder why their lover might be pissed off about something.
Part of our vacation this year was heading down to Polycamp NW. (Great time btw, and a well run organization down there, highly recommended) One of the things that occurred to me was the potential to meet new prospective partners. My wife kinda scoffed at this idea, and in terms of my luck finding partners, yeah, on an unlikeliness scale from 1 to 10 it would rate as ďpretty damnĒ. However, I had considered LDR partners in the area previously based on my travelling, although itís been tapering off recently. Notwithstanding, I tossed around the idea of talking to my gf about it, just in case, even though being a free spirit herself, sheís never expressed a concern about her partners exploring other options. And I hadnít been the one running out of time and energy, so if opportunity presented itself, why not? But I figured it would be respectful at least to make sure to talk to her first to make sure there wasnít any concerns. I ultimately decided not to bother her, since she had enough on her plate with family emergencies and all, so I opted for the equally respectful course of action, intentionally not to engage with anyone and consciously close off from the possibility. (I think my wife was momentarily perturbed that Iíd worry about talking to my gf ahead of time and not her, but my wife was right there with me, as was most of the rest of the tribe! So I figured communication on the subject would be easily accomplished if the need arose, so pre-discussion wasnít needed. When partners are in other cities or time zones, then previous arrangements become more important)
So after getting back, and finding out K have been fielding other people, without bothering to talk to me about it beforehand, or at all until well after the fact, and knowing full well that it would be hurtful. The message I received: I donít respect you enough to keep your feelings in mind while looking after my own gratification.
Result: My, donít I feel like an ass.
Over the last several months, there have continually been reasons not to be physical with each other. The specifics arenít important. But still I waited. I view it as an expression of love, not a requirement, so it would be asinine to insist. But it wasnít just the sex. It was time as well. Various other activities took precedence, including social diversions, while I waited patiently, as it always sounded like a plausible reason. Yet eventually the time runs out, and it becomes apparent that she doesnít want to make time for me, or our relationship. She found others to fill her time.
Message Received: The time you spend waiting for me isnít worth anything. There are plenty of others around, so I donít really need you.
Result: My, donít I feel useless & stupid.
Along with having fun with new friends, and spending time elsewhere, sheís stated very clearly that the recent relations were something she needed at the time, and doesnít want to have regrets about them, or be asked to. Free spirit remember. While I can empathise with that I suppose, and if those relationships filled some need, I can easily let go the idea that the encounter should be a matter for regret. But regretting the act is not the same thing as perhaps recognizing that any act can simultaneously have both positive and negative consequences.
Message Received: Itís not worth my time and energy to empathise or really consider the pain my actions have caused you, and Iíll resent being asked to be accountable for any of it, and if you ask me to, then Iíll probably just leave you...more.
Result: My, donít I feel like a fool (for giving you the guided map & compass for exactly how to hurt me).
A few months ago I got hurt in a motorcycle accident. Nothing overly serious, but it laid me up in the emergency room for a spell, and then at home for a few weeks. It was actually a really interesting episode for me as it was the first time I could really see how a poly tribe can be advantageous. IIRC my metamours beat my parents to the hospital, and were very supportive in helping my wife and I take care of some odds and ends. That part was awesome.
What seemed a little peculiar was Kís reaction, having been very quick to call her and let her know I was ok. This was both because it would be better than finding out on FB, but also because I was aware of a previous episode in her life that I was concerned that the news might be taken badly. Apparently I was wrong. She was very cool and seemingly neutral and matter of fact about the news. There was no mention of coming to visit, either at the hospital, or afterwards when I was at home. Itís not that I wanted a big deal made out of it, I didnít. But the reaction wasnít what I would have expected. I ended up with more attention and concern coming from my bosses at work, and they didnít even like me that much. Fortunately I had a lot of support between my family and the metamours on my wifeís side, so I wasnít lacking for anything, at least for a few days. At the time, and right up until the email a week ago, I figured it might just be a defensive reaction to not want to be involved with me and my injury because the episode from her past might make that too painful for her, or something.
But then I got the email from last week where she tells me that a new friend from a social activity sheís been partaking in has gone into the hospital, and her new priority is throwing herself into helping care for him. Unlike my injury the friendís case is similar enough to be palatable. It was also jumping into this with both feet that apparently led her to find distraction with the second of the flings.
So now Iím left wondering why a guy she has only known briefly gets so much of her attention that it exceeds her capacity to take care of herself, or her other relationships with NN and I, while my injury was treated with a casual nonchalance.
Message Received: Your health and wellness donít matter to me, and isnít worth the effort to divert from my regularly scheduled social activities. Iíd rather voluntarily sacrifice our relationship and my own welfare in the process of helping out someone I just met at said social activity.
Result: My...donít I feel special.
I said earlier that I couldnítí fault the honesty of telling me about the truth about the new guys. Our last conversation we had, I asked who the other two people were, and get an idea of what happened and when. Something has been nagging at me for a while since that though. While getting physical with the first guy didnít happen until recently, apparently the fling started earlier... much earlier, before my accident, and before the check-in where I told her that this sort of thing would be hurtful. When I look at the timeline, (as near as I can recall anyways) it would have started before those conversations, and around the same time as the calendar details disappeared, and she started avoiding our dates and pulling away.
I donít recall her mentioning at the time. It might be one thing when she was avoiding me entirely. But she never mentioned it during the conversation when I asked her taínotíta. Perhaps it seemed unimportant at the time since the fellow in question was geographically separated, so itís not like it would have been an immediate concern. But something NN said to me recently makes me wonder if she wasnít consciously hiding it from me. Either from fear of my reaction, avoidance of the discussion that would result, or perhaps just playing the usual script. I donít know. But if itís true that she was holding back, how far does the honesty really go.
Message Received: Can you really trust me as much as you have?
Iím going to reiterate here that these are not the things she said, or the message that may have been intended. These are just the messages I seemed to receive from the actions of a lover, and the feelings that resulted, especially before real communication could take place and circumstances could be taken into account.
(To be Concluded...)
ďPeople who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.Ē - Chinese Proverb
How did I get here & Where am I going?