NRE Wears Off - Do Secondaries Suffer More?

[polycouple]

Originally Posted by JuliaGay

I'm sorry that you are struggling. Hopefully you'll find some help here.

I have been a secondary many times in my life and have not experienced what you are currently experiencing. I don't think the issue is the end of NRE, but a change of circumstances.

You haven't given us much information, so I'm not sure how to help you. Is your relationship with one or both of them? Are you a triad? Do you have individual relationships with both of them? Are they perhaps struggling with something else that is taking their attention right now?

Please give us more info. Thanks.

JG

Thanks Julia!

We are in a triad, and I am involved with both of them. I have been advocating for us to all have individual couple time, but that has not gone over well. Its probably the most contentious issues in our relationship. I am in counseling right now trying to decide how to deal with the situations, trying to decide whether I can stay in the relationship if the bundaries don;t change. I can have individual social time and sexy time with the female in the relationship, Sarah, but she is not comfortable with me having individual time with Tom. She did support us spending time together when she had to work, but we were respectful of her boundaries to not be intimate while she was not there (save a few times early on when we broke those boundaries). Now that she does not work, I do not have individual time with either of them, and it is driving me a little nuts...

[AnnabelMore]

Ugh. What is it about some people who are coupled failing to understand the importance of individual time with each partner?? How are you supposed to build basic emotional intimacy if you can never really connect with someome on a one to one basis? Can't they see that the fact that they get to spend time one on one with each other, but you don't get that sort of time with either of them, leaves you always the outsider? How do they think that is supposed to make you feel? What is the rationale for it? Does she think her husband will leave her for you if you two bond? If so, how can she be in this situation in the first place?

I think she has some serious soul searching to do as to her reasoning for that particular boundary, and its impact on the relationship structure she is trying to build.

[SourGirl]

Originally Posted by polycouple

Thanks Julia!

We are in a triad, and I am involved with both of them. I have been advocating for us to all have individual couple time, but that has not gone over well. Its probably the most contentious issues in our relationship. I am in counseling right now trying to decide how to deal with the situations, trying to decide whether I can stay in the relationship if the bundaries don;t change. I can have individual social time and sexy time with the female in the relationship, Sarah, but she is not comfortable with me having individual time with Tom. She did support us spending time together when she had to work, but we were respectful of her boundaries to not be intimate while she was not there (save a few times early on when we broke those boundaries). Now that she does not work, I do not have individual time with either of them, and it is driving me a little nuts...

Care to explain this part ? You and Tom broke boundaries at some point early on ?

It takes people a long time to regain trust, when boundaries are broke in crucial stages.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by SourGirl

Care to explain this part ? You and Tom broke boundaries at some point early on ?

It takes people a long time to regain trust, when boundaries are broke in crucial stages.

The history is in this thread: Moving toward equanimity in a triad - What is your experience?

[polycouple]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Ugh. What is it about some people who are coupled failing to understand the importance of individual time with each partner?? How are you supposed to build basic emotional intimacy if you can never really connect with someome on a one to one basis? Can't they see that the fact that they get to spend time one on one with each other, but you don't get that sort of time with either of them, leaves you always the outsider? How do they think that is supposed to make you feel? What is the rationale for it? Does she think her husband will leave her for you if you two bond? If so, how can she be in this situation in the first place?

I think she has some serious soul searching to do as to her reasoning for that particular boundary, and its impact on the relationship structure she is trying to build.

So you're in a triad with a married couple, and you don't face any of these issues? I am envious!


Sarah and Tom are new to this polyamory thing. Falling in love with me is nothing they, or I expected. They were also mono for 5 years. Her jealousy management has not caught up with her hearts ability to fall in love with two people. I understand all this, but it is still extremely frustrating and sadening for me. Problem is, it's taking a toll on me, and I am not sure where the line between compassion/patience and being taken advantage of is. Sometimes I feel really taken advantage of...

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by polycouple

So you're in a triad with a married couple, and you don't face any of these issues? I am envious!

Not a triad *exactly* (see my signature). If I were dating Eric as well as Gia maybe some of these insecurities would have come up. But my stance would still be the same. Anyways, we have our own issues, like anyone.

Originally Posted by polycouple

Problem is, it's taking a toll on me, and I am not sure where the line between compassion/patience and being taken advantage of is. Sometimes I feel really taken advantage of...

This will erode things very quickly if it doesn't change. I would suggest gently seeking the time with them for a serious talk soon (while being sensitive to the time and energy issues they seem to be having right now)... and if they just can't or won't give that to you, telling them that you need to step back from things for now for your own emotional well-being, and that they are welcome to contact you when they are ready to treat you like the sort of partner you want to be to them (try to say it in the most straight forward and least emotionally manipulative way possible... my wording may not have been the best).

Of course, then you have to actually follow through and step back. It might be good for you, you can focus on other things and regroup, relax. With space, hopefully they'll either realize how much they miss you or realize that they feel better on their own... if the latter, well, better that come out sooner rather than later.

[Minxxa]

Originally Posted by SourGirl

Care to explain this part ? You and Tom broke boundaries at some point early on ?

It takes people a long time to regain trust, when boundaries are broke in crucial stages.

This is the part that hit me. And I will admit right now, honesty and trust are big-ticket items for me personally, so take this with a grain of salt.

For me, personally... if I was with someone who, with my husband, broke boundaries we had established-- there would need to be a lot of work afterward in order to regain trust. For *me*... I understand people fuck up. But when you fuck up you admit you fucked up, you apologize for fucking up and then you ask what it takes to regain that trust and do it. I see way too many people who break someone's trust and then don't understand why the relationship has changed and people and things don't work as they did before.

And for *me*... once that trust is broken, I would WANT to forgive, but unless the other person is expressing apologies for breaking my trust and wanting to know how to fix it-- it wouldn't happen.

I did go back and reread the other thread. I think the two of you (you and Tom) have been abusing her trust. Sorry, that's how I feel. You spend 5 nights together--just because you CAN? And you broke her trust and basically cheated behind her back... cuz you couldn't help yourselves? Nice.

She may not know you cheated, or have proof, but my guess is she has a feeling about it and that's what is keeping her from fully engaging in this relationship. Match that with Tom's past of cheating and lying to her-- and you wonder why she doesn't jump at your texts at feeling left out?

I'm just not getting how this is an honest relationship in any way...

[TruckerPete]

You've told us before how much your alone time with Tom bothered Sarah. It sounds like she's taking the time she needs now, maybe catching up on what she missed over the last little while.

Yes, she was jealous and insecure, but as I recall, you spent nearly all of your free time with Tom. That would scream cowgirl to me.

To me, you sound needy and codependent ... So very lonely when you're only 15 minutes away? It would be an instant turn-off for me.

Go out, make some more friends. Join new activities. Give them some space to rebuild their relationship.

Originally Posted by Minxxa

I did go back and reread the other thread. I think the two of you (you and Tom) have been abusing her trust. Sorry, that's how I feel. You spend 5 nights together--just because you CAN? And you broke her trust and basically cheated behind her back... cuz you couldn't help yourselves? Nice.

She may not know you cheated, or have proof, but my guess is she has a feeling about it and that's what is keeping her from fully engaging in this relationship. Match that with Tom's past of cheating and lying to her-- and you wonder why she doesn't jump at your texts at feeling left out?

I'm just not getting how this is an honest relationship in any way...

This. Karma is a bitch and I don't think you're suffering any more than Sarah was while you and Tom were joined at the hip.

[SourGirl]

Thanks nycindie !

Having caught up on the situation, I can say that the display of insensitivity, impatience, feeling taken advantage of, and sadness might be more on the other foot.

We reap what we sow.

[AnnabelMore]

I just read the OP's other thread. I think the other posters are being a little harsh, polycouple. That's what we do here, tough love, and certainly it's better to be honest if a boundary was broken, but knowing the history of the situation doesn't change my take on it significantly (I assume you were sincere about your remorse and it didn't happen again, at least?).

If anything, my biggest new piece of advice based on reading your other thread is that I think y'all moved too fast. It's *hard* integrating a new person into an existing relationship, there are sooooo many dynamics to work out, and to so quickly start spending 5-6 nights a week with one of the members of the couple you're involved with... well, I can see how whiplash happened for the other member, and how things just didn't go smoothly, especially since it sounded like you guys prioritized sex over the hard work of talking out your feelings/fears/desires and figuring out a setup that would actually work for all involved.

Slowing down and more long, deep talks should have happened earlier. Hopefully it's not too late for them to happen now. Be brave. Equality is a great goal but it takes significant time. Are you interested in or "allowed" to date outside them?