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Old 09-12-2011, 12:11 AM
precious precious is offline
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Default New to lifestyle as secondary....Help Please

New to lifestyle, but have a very open mind...met a wonderful man who is hard working with a good heart, he brought up that him and his wife have a open relationship and she is fine with him being with other women ane he stated he is looking for relationship like the tv show sister wives. I couldnt believe his wife agreed to this and I told him I would have to speak with her and then decide.

I spoke with her and she was cool with it. So they invited me to a BBQ they were having and I went and met his club brothers, their children and other family members and had a wonderful time, I ended up back at their house and we all slept together. She enjoyed watching him with me I watched them and she did me.

The problem I have is that she is lazy!!!!!!! And he is so committed to his wife and kids he soesnt put his foot down but wants to be in control when it comes to me. I want to tell him that she is lazy and their house is nasty but I dont feel like it is my place to say anything, but if they want me to spend time at their house it will have to be clean, I offered to clean the house and the wife was ok with that.

I guess my question is how much can I say as a secondary? What are the bounderies to how much the secondary can say?

Thank you
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Old 09-12-2011, 12:15 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Of course she was okay with you cleaning for them! Maybe she wants him to find a second wife to be their live-in maid and do all the cleaning.

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I want to tell him that she is lazy and their house is nasty but I dont feel like it is my place to say anything, but if they want me to spend time at their house it will have to be clean . . .
Why wouldn't it be your place to say this if he's looking for someone to move in? You only just started seeing him and don't owe them anything -- other than the truth.

I wouldn't get involved if they expect me to move into a filthy house. Let him come and stay with you.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-12-2011 at 12:19 AM.
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Old 09-12-2011, 12:20 AM
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I kind of brought it up a little and he said she has always been like this and he has tried to get her to clean and it is no use and told me if I could get her to clean go for it-lol

He is hardly ever home he works 10-13hours a day 6days a week.
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Old 09-12-2011, 12:26 AM
rosephase rosephase is offline
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n

I guess my question is how much can I say as a secondary? What are the bounderies to how much the secondary can say?
The people you should be asking is them.

Have a nice long conversation about what a secondary looks like to them. What there goals are. What they would like, what they want, what they need from you. And be clear about what you would like, want and need as well.

My *guess* is that calling his wife lazy and a bad house keeper is going to hurt her feelings. But for now you should figure out what kind of relationship you have with him and with her. Some people in my life I can comment on there homes (either jokingly or with concern) but I am very close to those people and feel like I know how to approach a subject and I'm able to read if that subject is sensitive to them or not.

So the real answer is ever relationship is different.

You both need to talk with them a lot to figure out what level of outside induced self-relefction they are comfortable with and to get a feeling for how they like to be communicated with about difficult to hear thing (not to mention trying to figure out if what you have to say is difficult to hear in the first place. It might not be a big deal AT ALL)

My suggestion would be to put off talking about how *you* would like *them* to change until you know them a bit better and have a feeling for how information like that would be received. Until then you can always do the poly fall back and attempt to change yourself. See how it feels to be okay with the mess. Try to find the beauty and honesty in it.
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Old 09-12-2011, 12:35 AM
precious precious is offline
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Thank you so much for the advice and it is well taken..

She and I talk almost everyday about every and anything and I also talk to him. I just explained to him that with him being the provider that he is he shouldnt have to live in a messy home.

I will just see what happens in the next couple of times I visit and see if there is a change and if not I will address it then. I guess the problem is that she wasnt embarressed about the way the home looked.

I didnt say this to either of them but it looks like a baby hoarders home, and it shouldnt because she doesnt work.
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Old 09-12-2011, 01:21 AM
rosephase rosephase is offline
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Thank you so much for the advice and it is well taken..

She and I talk almost everyday about every and anything and I also talk to him. I just explained to him that with him being the provider that he is he shouldnt have to live in a messy home.

I will just see what happens in the next couple of times I visit and see if there is a change and if not I will address it then. I guess the problem is that she wasnt embarressed about the way the home looked.

I didnt say this to either of them but it looks like a baby hoarders home, and it shouldnt because she doesnt work.
Okay, just as a warning... people have different ideas about what is okay and what isn't. There is no cross-the-board standard on what is acceptable and what isn't. You are judging her on your own standard at the moment. It's the only one you have to judge someone by so that makes since... it's just that people tend not to respond well when you approach issues they have as they are "wrong" and you are "right". If you do end up talking to her about it I would suggest you reach out to her as a favor for yourself. Asking for her to help you feel comfortable in her home.

In what you've said so far it sounds a little like (and I might be projecting here) you are saying she isn't a good enough wife to him. That a good enough wife would keep there home clean and not ask him to help out if she doesn't have a job. That sounds like a standard you honestly believe... BUT people have different standards.

And one of the things that divides poly relationships faster then you can think is starting to list all the ways your partner's other partner isn't good enough for them or how much better you would be for them.

Try not to think that pointing out her flaws is a part of taking care of him. If you want to be with them you should be watching to see if you are resenting her or building a case against her. He has chosen her as his partner and as a secondary she is inviting you into her home, her relationship and her heart. It's really good to keep that and mind and watch your motivations.
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Old 09-12-2011, 01:43 AM
precious precious is offline
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Thank you Rose, maybe I am judging and thinking like that and that is wrong of me. I do know my position and I know he wont leave his wife and I do respect her as his wife and not wanting him to leave her.

I just want to be able to feel comfortable in their home as they both have said it is my home as well.
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Old 09-12-2011, 02:41 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
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I just want to be able to feel comfortable in their home as they both have said it is my home as well.
This is a very serious statement for so early in a relationship. Putting the cleanliness issue aside for a moment, I think it would definitely be wise to sit down for the type of conversation with them that Rose suggested above. You need to be sure that you're all on the same page and that you know what they're really thinking about the future and vice versa.

Like, in time, do they see you as potentially being a second, equal wife? Or are you firmly the secondary, with a lesser level of involvement in their lives with no expectation that that might change? Both are ok, but they may change the way you choose to commit your heart and life. For instance, if it's the former it might be ok for you to be exclusive with them. But if the latter, for your own happiness and emotional welfare, you may want to stay open to cultivating other relationships as well. Just something to think about.

For now, even if equal status is the goal, I would strongly caution you against moving in with them any time soon, even if they do clean up their house... just in case you're considering it. We've seen many stories on this board about people moving in too soon with established couples and having it turn into a huge mess. It's a very difficult dynamic to manage and you need to have as many issues as possible completely ironed out before it has a chance of going well.

As for the cleanliness thing, yeah, be careful not to criticize her to him. I will cautiously point out things that I think are issues, and I will sympathize if one member of the couple I'm involved with is complaining about the other, but I try NEVER to directly criticize one to the other... nothing breeds distrust and resentment faster if your words should come to light. If you have a problem with her actions, you need to talk to her, not him.

Maybe you can position it as a fun project that the two of you will do together for the man you both love... you can put some of it on yourself by saying "I'm just a little OCD" or something like that. Then tell her that while you're not going to do it all yourself, you'd be more than happy to help her get things cleaned up, and you can then admit that, frankly, it would probably make you a little more comfortable in their home too.

Good luck!
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