Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #201  
Old 09-11-2011, 04:30 AM
polycouple polycouple is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT/RI area
Posts: 55
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Why is a secondary left alone? Why wouldn't the two other people be taking care of the third as well as each other?

It sounds like you defer to them as a couple, as if they are in charge -- but you're in the relationship, too! Why not reach out to them? Also, are you seeing anyone else? Maybe you need to go out on some dates when they're not available.
I have tried to reach out and I am not getting the results I feel I need to feel better. I can't figure out if I am not communicating clearly, or if they are just being really emotionally dense/insensitive. I have been telling them a lot lately about how lonely I feel now that they've moved away and I see them so infrequently compared to how it was. Last night they both feel asleep when we had planned to get together and I hadn't seen them in two days. Finally, at 10 he texted to let me know they fell asleep and that he was sorry, but said he was going to go back to sleep. I told him I felt ignored and he apologized and said they were up until 4:30 working on homework.

Then the next morning she texted to apologize and I let her know right away that I felt neglected, that I understood they were busy, but it was making me feel so lonely to be so far from them and have such sparse communication, because I miss the closeness we used to share.
She didn't get back to me for 6 hours! Meanwhile I asked both of them if they wanted to do dinner tonight. They both knew I had a big program today that I have been coordinating for months, neither of them texted to see how it went. I ended up texting both of them when I was done to ask again if they were interested in dinner. That was at 4pm. By 5 I let them know that I was eating without them because I hadn't heard from them.

I feel like I have lost a relationship that meant so much to me, and they don't even seem to care. I feel like I was just a fun thing to occupy their time while I was their neighbor. They were so attentive and loving, caring and proactive about wanting to see me. Now everything has changed.

finally they asked if I wanted to come over and do some work. When I got there I was coolly received. I thought I might get some comfort, some kind words, some reassurances, but no. I just got quick hugs and a hello.

your right, I defer to them. I don't think they are ready to treat me the way I need to be treated. I think I might have to get out of this relationship, but the thought of doing that makes me so sad. I really opened myself up to them, let myself fall deeply in love thinking that they would continue to take care of me the way they did for the first 7 months.

I have been trying to date but I just yearn for their attention while I am out with others, and I get envious that they are together living their lives leaving me out...I don't know how to overcome that.

Sorry, I just needed to vent that. I am really overwhelmed with emotions today.
Reply With Quote
  #202  
Old 09-11-2011, 04:38 AM
polycouple polycouple is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT/RI area
Posts: 55
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by schtuff View Post
i guess it really depends on the people involved. seems like the situation is not as ideal as it once was. life does have a habit of getting in the way sometimes, and presenting challenges to the things or people we want to do or see.

are you able to set up a date night, day, or something of that nature? have you talked to your love interest about spending more time together, about making more time for one another.

communication and caring are a two way street. keep things as open an honest as you can, and always try to keep in mind the challenges that your love ones face as well.

hope things improve.
schtuff
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have talked to them, but they seem very preoccupied and unmotivated to really support me. The beginning of this relationship was very difficult for Sarah, so I spent late nights speaking with her, comforting her, showering her with loving words, texts throughout the day. Now that I am the one struggling I feel like no one is giving me that kind of care that I shared. I wonder if I come off as strong, or cold so maybe they don't know how to comfort me....but I have been pretty clear about feeling lonely, neglected and ignored, but no action has been taken on their parts to help me feel better.
Reply With Quote
  #203  
Old 09-11-2011, 03:09 PM
JuliaGay's Avatar
JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Tacoma/Tucson (long story)
Posts: 75
Default

I'm sorry that you are struggling. Hopefully you'll find some help here.

I have been a secondary many times in my life and have not experienced what you are currently experiencing. I don't think the issue is the end of NRE, but a change of circumstances.

You haven't given us much information, so I'm not sure how to help you. Is your relationship with one or both of them? Are you a triad? Do you have individual relationships with both of them? Are they perhaps struggling with something else that is taking their attention right now?

Please give us more info. Thanks.

JG
__________________
"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
....
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
Reply With Quote
  #204  
Old 09-11-2011, 04:23 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,254
Default

Yeah, I would class this under problems caused by partner(s) being jerks, which is not limited to poly by any stretch. They need to either shape up and treat you with the respect and warmth you deserve, or at least explain what the heck the deal is. Maybe instead of regularly bringing it up, like you have been and which can just become nagging, you could just wait until they have the time and mental energy to see you and then have a bigger, serious conversation with them about it. If they won't make the time for that, or won't listen and respond in a caring way, they're not worth it.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #205  
Old 09-11-2011, 04:40 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,188
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by polycouple View Post
Finally, at 10 he texted to let me know they fell asleep and that he was sorry, but said he was going to go back to sleep. I told him I felt ignored and he apologized and said they were up until 4:30 working on homework.
Wait a minute--they were up most of the night doing homework? So it's quite reasonable that they were dead tired and fell asleep way early the following evening..and you're fussing at them for being insensitive?

I'll suggest that somebody else was being insensitive.

And you expect instantaneous replies to texts? Seriously? Do you really think they have absolutely nothing else going on during the day that they sit and wait for texts from you so they can respond immediately?

And you're only 15 minutes away? Why don't you just go visit when you're needing contact because you're so close? Why are you expecting them to do everything for you?
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
  #206  
Old 09-11-2011, 07:00 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,897
Default

Polycouple,

When they aren't overtaxed with homework, etc., and have some temporal wiggle room, try asking them whether you still occupy the special place in their hearts as you had done
before the move. Be prepared for the truth. It could be good news. It could be disappointing. Be strong!
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #207  
Old 09-11-2011, 10:11 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT/RI area
Posts: 55
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Wait a minute--they were up most of the night doing homework? So it's quite reasonable that they were dead tired and fell asleep way early the following evening..and you're fussing at them for being insensitive?

I'll suggest that somebody else was being insensitive.

And you expect instantaneous replies to texts? Seriously? Do you really think they have absolutely nothing else going on during the day that they sit and wait for texts from you so they can respond immediately?

And you're only 15 minutes away? Why don't you just go visit when you're needing contact because you're so close? Why are you expecting them to do everything for you?
You are right it was reasonable for them to be tired. All I wanted was for them to let me know that they would be tired and unable to hang out like we had planned. Instead, they feel asleep during a time frame that we were supposed to see one another after not seeing one another for almost three days.

And no, I don't expect an immediate response, but I do think 5-6 hours is a long response time considering that morning I let them know how sad and lonely I was about them moving away and standing me up after not seeing me for almost three days. Also, considering that all they were doing was school work on the couch all day, and additionally considering that I was coordinating one of the biggest programs on my job description so it would have been really nice for them to check in with me to see how it went. So if you think that is me being insensitive then I guess we will just have to disagree! I expect my loved ones to be responsive when I am sad, and I expect them to care about the outcome of something that is important to me. I don't think that is asking too much, and I happily do that for both of them all the time.

You have to understand I saw these two individuals EVERY DAY for over six months. We drank coffee together every morning, and met up immediately once we got home to cook dinner and work together and we would kiss each other good night right before bed. SO yea, 15 minutes sounds like nothing but that 15 minutes has fundamentally changed how much time we spend together, and has changed my routine that I enjoyed very much, a routine that brought me a feeling of closeness, family that I have not felt in a long time. I would not just drive over to their house unannounced. That would make me feel creepy.
Reply With Quote
  #208  
Old 09-11-2011, 10:28 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT/RI area
Posts: 55
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JuliaGay View Post
I'm sorry that you are struggling. Hopefully you'll find some help here.

I have been a secondary many times in my life and have not experienced what you are currently experiencing. I don't think the issue is the end of NRE, but a change of circumstances.

You haven't given us much information, so I'm not sure how to help you. Is your relationship with one or both of them? Are you a triad? Do you have individual relationships with both of them? Are they perhaps struggling with something else that is taking their attention right now?

Please give us more info. Thanks.

JG
Thanks Julia!

We are in a triad, and I am involved with both of them. I have been advocating for us to all have individual couple time, but that has not gone over well. Its probably the most contentious issues in our relationship. I am in counseling right now trying to decide how to deal with the situations, trying to decide whether I can stay in the relationship if the bundaries don;t change. I can have individual social time and sexy time with the female in the relationship, Sarah, but she is not comfortable with me having individual time with Tom. She did support us spending time together when she had to work, but we were respectful of her boundaries to not be intimate while she was not there (save a few times early on when we broke those boundaries). Now that she does not work, I do not have individual time with either of them, and it is driving me a little nuts...
Reply With Quote
  #209  
Old 09-12-2011, 02:17 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,254
Default

Ugh. What is it about some people who are coupled failing to understand the importance of individual time with each partner?? How are you supposed to build basic emotional intimacy if you can never really connect with someome on a one to one basis? Can't they see that the fact that they get to spend time one on one with each other, but you don't get that sort of time with either of them, leaves you always the outsider? How do they think that is supposed to make you feel? What is the rationale for it? Does she think her husband will leave her for you if you two bond? If so, how can she be in this situation in the first place?

I think she has some serious soul searching to do as to her reasoning for that particular boundary, and its impact on the relationship structure she is trying to build.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #210  
Old 09-12-2011, 02:46 AM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 885
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by polycouple View Post
Thanks Julia!

We are in a triad, and I am involved with both of them. I have been advocating for us to all have individual couple time, but that has not gone over well. Its probably the most contentious issues in our relationship. I am in counseling right now trying to decide how to deal with the situations, trying to decide whether I can stay in the relationship if the bundaries don;t change. I can have individual social time and sexy time with the female in the relationship, Sarah, but she is not comfortable with me having individual time with Tom. She did support us spending time together when she had to work, but we were respectful of her boundaries to not be intimate while she was not there (save a few times early on when we broke those boundaries). Now that she does not work, I do not have individual time with either of them, and it is driving me a little nuts...
Care to explain this part ? You and Tom broke boundaries at some point early on ?

It takes people a long time to regain trust, when boundaries are broke in crucial stages.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anxiety, boundaries, children, children and polyamory, co-dependence, co-dependency, communication, compromise, coupledom, dependancy, divorce, excuses, expectations, feeling ignored, foundations, introduction, justifications, lessons, limerence, long distance, mono / poly, mono/poly, new relationship energy, new to polamory, new to polyamory, nre, nre overflow, nre timescale, responsibilities, romantacies, secondaries, secondary, secondary feelings, separation anxiety, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:47 AM.