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  #191  
Old 07-31-2011, 02:08 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey BJ,

Well, you've kinda hit on the solution yourself. I think most people know this intuitively but just need to get the subject on the table. Which it seems you've done.

Although we label it NRE etc around here, it's an old problem. Most people have a tendency to get over-enthusiastic when they discover some new passion. Whether it's a hobby, a profession, an interest of any type. Then we just need someone to take us by the arm and say............whoaaaaaaaa here a minute. Don't forget the rest of the world around you and the impact your actions can have on a bigger sphere. Because that bigger sphere can collapse on YOU too if you don't maintain it !

It's just a reminder.............take a breath..........slow down some here !

For the majority of people that's enough. When needed - supported by specific examples where their exuberance has caused (or almost) some dangerous problems. Seems you have that example (the parents, the house etc and the gossiping mouth in front of the kids) right in front of you.

Good luck !

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  #192  
Old 07-31-2011, 02:31 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Yeah, we polys call it NRE, but of course, monos experience it too. It's called infatuation. Oddly, I was just reading an article about the biology of kissing in a Martha Stewart Living magazine, of all places, and the hormones, or neural impulses, that are activated by kissing alone are quite impressive. Dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin. All of these hormones cause obsessive urges to be with the person you had a nice makeout session with, never mind full-on sex!

Dopamine activates the same part of the brain that cocaine does. It makes you want more of this "drug." It can cause sleeplessness and loss of appetite.

It "allows us to recognize interesting situations, remember pleasurable experiences, and seek new ones." It brings euphoria (and I bet it makes you say stupid things like, "I've never felt like this with anyone else before," to your new lover, forgetting you felt that way for your primary once!)

Oxytocin fosters feelings of attachment.

Serotonin can cause obsessive thoughts of your lover, similar to sufferers of OCD.

The stress hormone norepinephrine is also released. It can cause the weak in the knees feeling.

Adrenaline is produced during deep kissing too, causing boosted heart rate, sweating, reducing stress, and "priming our bodies for more physical contact."

So! No wonder people in NRE or infatuation can forgot about all other people in the lives. For monos, it's common for people, especially teenagers who are new to sex, to stop seeing their circle of platonic friends for months, just wanting to be with the lover all the time, causing hurt feelings. For us polys, the situation is more serious, because it's the beloved primary and children who can get left behind in the dust.

I guess sex without kissing reduces the amount of these hormones in your bloodstream and brain though, which is why swingers so often don't kiss swinging partners, reducing the obssesive and bonding feelings, and reserve kissing for their SO.
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 07-31-2011 at 02:34 PM.
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  #193  
Old 07-31-2011, 05:02 PM
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I have to laugh. His stepmom has decided that she can no longer handle the stress of what she has created in her mind and even told others that J is doing (most of which is all false and full of lies). So, she just hit the road to go visit her sons in San Antonio for a while. At least we won't have to deal with her for a bit and we'll get a break that way. She tried to get me to talk or run my mouth about J yesterday, but it wasn't going to happen. I'm not about to add fuel to that fire or even argue with her because she's convinced that the lies she's made up in her head are the truth. It's not worth it.
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  #194  
Old 08-01-2011, 02:43 AM
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openbj openbj is offline
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Well, J's dad talked to him tonight. Told him that he wants us out of the house by the end of August. He wants his wife to not be so stressed and what not. She's doing it to herself, it's not our fault. But, whatever. We were already hoping to be moved to NM by the end of August anyways for J's new job, so it's really not that big of a deal. It's just frustrating that her lies and gossip have caused so much turmoil in the family. I'm also very disappointed in Dad that he would just believe what she says and judge J that way, without knowing the truth or even asking J. It really bugs me when a parent chooses a spouse or girlfriend over their own children.

I understand why he wants to keep her around (even though neither of them are happy together), but it's still frustrating. Dad has very bad health issues. He's severely diabetic and has seizures and episodes on a regular basis. He lives in the country, so he really does need someone around to keep an eye on him and be there in case something happens. But, oye!! At least have the decency to ask for the truth!!
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  #195  
Old 08-01-2011, 10:10 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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And I thought we had drama going on...sorry you have deal with it.
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  #196  
Old 08-01-2011, 03:56 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Must by Drama Month ...

Is that like Shark Week?
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  #197  
Old 08-01-2011, 09:18 PM
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Lol, I'll take Shark Week any day over this crud!! Shark Week is one of our favorite times of year

I started cracking up earlier. One of the aunts posted in our family group on FB with a question about pictures for his stepmom. She replied today that she'd talk to Dad about it when she calls him tonight 'cause she went to SA to take a break. Break from your own drama and lies?? More like, going to spread them further. I've wanted to text her or message her and just chew her up one end and down the other, but it's not worth it, so I haven't. We'll be out of here soon enough and then things will die down. They just won't be completely allowed in our lives from now on I guess. Can't trust them. It's sad to do that 'cause we don't know how much longer Dad will be around, but we just don't know what else to do.

Is it too much to ask to not have drama going on so we can just enjoy life??
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  #198  
Old 09-10-2011, 11:12 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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Default NRE Wears Off - Do Secondaries Suffer More?

Something I have been thinking about as I deal with the waning NRE in my triad is whether secondaries suffer most from the loss of NRE. The established couple slips comfortably back into their normal comfy routines, and the secondary is left alone. Is this a common experience of secondaries, or just my own experience?

I have to say that the context of my situations has multiple factors that contribute to this. Sarah lost her job, School started again for all of us and they no longer live right next door. They moved 15 minutes away. Now I feel like since they are always together, I am just an afterthought. I know that a lot of it has to do the with circumstances and nothing intentional on their part, but for some reason that doesn't help when I am home by myself feeling so alone, and missing them so much!
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  #199  
Old 09-11-2011, 12:26 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polycouple View Post
The established couple slips comfortably back into their normal comfy routines, and the secondary is left alone.
Why is a secondary left alone? Why wouldn't the two other people be taking care of the third as well as each other?

It sounds like you defer to them as a couple, as if they are in charge -- but you're in the relationship, too! Why not reach out to them? Also, are you seeing anyone else? Maybe you need to go out on some dates when they're not available.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-11-2011 at 12:31 AM.
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  #200  
Old 09-11-2011, 12:40 AM
schtuff schtuff is offline
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i guess it really depends on the people involved. seems like the situation is not as ideal as it once was. life does have a habit of getting in the way sometimes, and presenting challenges to the things or people we want to do or see.

are you able to set up a date night, day, or something of that nature? have you talked to your love interest about spending more time together, about making more time for one another.

communication and caring are a two way street. keep things as open an honest as you can, and always try to keep in mind the challenges that your love ones face as well.

hope things improve.
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