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Old 09-09-2011, 10:34 PM
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Kealoha Kealoha is offline
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Default Am I overreacting?

So last night, before I went to bed, I went outside to kiss the hubby goodnight. He smokes out there and often takes his lap top with him. I didn't sneak up or anything. The door is not quiet lol, but he jumped. I saw that he was on Adult Friend Finder and said, "Oh, did you make an account on there?" He just said, "Stupid spam, I was just checking my work emails..." I was tired, so I let it go.

Now, I had a great day with the toddler n he came home early, so I was happy...but when I came downstairs after putting her down for a nap...he was on there again. Now, I have no problem with him looking (even if he's been insisting he has no desire to look for anyone for the past few months), or making accounts somewhere,but if I ask, I really don't like lies. He finally admitted that he set up an account LAST WEEK, so he could find someone to spend time with him on this next out of town job. We have an open marriage, have been together for 20 yrs, n I tell him whenever I'm interested in seeing someone or even if I'm looking...so I admit...I kind of lost it. I just cannot stand being lied to. The last time he lied to me about this kind of thing(many years ago, so I thought we were over this), he was seeing someone at my work place n was not very discreet...I found out from my co-workers...not a good feeling. I really don't want to hear these things from his crew either. I'm just trying to calm down right now, but do you think I'm making a big deal out of nothing? He said he didn't think it was a big deal since he was just checking it out n hasn't made contact with anyone that interests him, does not know why he lied,except that I surprised him and he panicked. *sighs*
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Old 09-09-2011, 10:55 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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I'm interested in what people will say. My husband lies too. I don't understand why because he doesn't have to. The truth would serve him much better. He says he's quit the match sites too but he still gets notices from them and I doubt it's true. He has a girlfriend too and he is lying to us both. It's awful. Lies are tough.
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  #3  
Old 09-09-2011, 11:01 PM
schtuff schtuff is offline
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honesty has always been very important for us.
on one hand i can understand him not telling you ahead of time if he was only being half assed about searching. although it does not sound like it was half assed.
on the other hand, when asked, it should have been no big deal for him to tell you what he was thinking / doing.
the rub is that it seems there is a history of this behavior, and not telling you about ongoing relationships is a bit over the top.
i think maybe a sit down is in order, for a good talk about open communication and foreknowledge of activities planned or hoped for. let him know how it makes you feel, and that you are needing a change in that behavior.
i can only hope it gets better for you.
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Old 09-09-2011, 11:45 PM
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Kealoha Kealoha is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by schtuff View Post
i think maybe a sit down is in order, for a good talk about open communication and foreknowledge of activities planned or hoped for. let him know how it makes you feel, and that you are needing a change in that behavior.
Thank you. I appreciate the way you worded that, it helped me better phrase what I wanted. The only reason I posted is that I know how I am about lies. I can be...over the top mad if I find out someone is lying...even about the smallest things. I'll give a chance to come clean, but if you don't...I get beyond mad...So, sometimes I can't tell if I'm being rational or not.

That "history" is actually from more than a decade ago...when he first realized that he was also poly, although we didn't know the term. He actually broke up with me that time because he was so confused. For some reason, he could deal with me being in love with two men at the same time...but couldn't figure out how he could be in love with two women at the same time. *laughs*
Anyway, It's been a long time. I won't say he never lies, but he hasn't lied about his other relationships or wanting them for forever (although he hasn't had many). I just couldn't understand why he did this time.

After I read your post, I took a deep breath and we talked. He said he would delete his profile, which I think is a ridiculous solution, since I never had a problem with him making it in the first place...just the sneaking and lying...and I reminded him that I do not like finding things out from other people, I'd rather find out from him. He admitted to being embarrassed about the whole thing. It was his first time signing up for an online dating/meetup type site, and he said he knew men don't have as much of a chance... He also was embarrassed that he even felt he needed to look on a website. (FYI,He does not belong to any sites except for FB and LinkedIn.) I don't belong to any dating sites, but that doesn't mean I have a problem with him belonging to one. He said that he signed on because he's tired of girls who can't understand that he wants them to meet me if he's going to go out with them more than a couple times. lol He even added a picture of us together to his profile. *shrugs* Anyway, I feel like I ran a marathon. Anyway, cross your fingers. I don't want to feel like I can't trust him. Hopefully, this will nip it in the bud.
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Old 09-10-2011, 03:49 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Some people need to learn the difference between privacy and secrecy.

Secrecy will kill trust in a relationship. I am very open to those I am in relationships with, about other potentials in my life. I don't go into awkward details, or give private information, but there are no 'secrets'.
I expect the same from people I date. If I don`t get that, bye-bye.

The reason secrecy is so damaging, is because it prevents others in the relationship from making informed choices. What your husband is doing, he may feel is ok, because its nothing 'firm' only the 'beginnings'. In his mind, if he actually set up a date and had something concrete, then he would tell you.

That is a bit of a slippery slope, he probably does not realize. So he might think it is 'much-ado-about-nothing'.

You can explain to him, ( and make sure you live up to it.) that you don't want details, or to know when he is 'busy' chatting, you would just like to know when he is thinking of 'looking'. That being informed of a intention, is all you need.

Once the differences between secrecy and privacy are sorted out, those that are offending, tend to find it a old habit that dies hard. Someone who has always lived this way, will not break such a habit overnight. It is up to you to decide if it is worth working on.

There is a lot of debate about what is secret, and what is just private. My experience tells me, that those who just believe in privacy are not ashamed to say so. They explain upfront what they will, and wont give.
They dont act weasel-y. ( New word, I own it.)
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Old 09-10-2011, 04:07 AM
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Kealoha Kealoha is offline
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Thank you for the advice SourGirl. The last thing I want is details, unless they will affect our family,but intention? Yes, I really do not want to be blind-sided. I was more angry that he lied when I asked. I really didn't think it was a big deal until then...and frankly, would have been almost as mad if he were lying about something else. I was just surprised in this case because it had been so long since he lied about dating. I figured we would continue the same rules as we always had. If we are looking, we mention it. If we "have a good feeling" about someone...think we might be dating someone more than a few times, we introduce them. We don't hide things, we're open, and we're there for each other. *sighs* I guess no matter how long you are with someone, you can't assume you'll never have to review the rules again huh?
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Old 09-10-2011, 04:08 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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One of the things I gleaned a while back from the Ethical Slut was the idea of scripts. The way behaviors that we all know by rote from society, media, etc. The ones that tell us what we're supposed to do with a given situation.

Like when your wife sneaks up behind you while you're browsing dates sites, Russian mail order brides, porn, golf clubs that you can't afford, whatever.
I find that from time to time I still have to fight the urge to fall into the classic scripts, and the biggest aids to break free of them has been getting 'caught' in something and the reaction of my wife being different than what would be expected.
I could totally see myself accidentally doing something similar. Hell, I still get uncomfortable about her looking over my shoulder while I'm looking at OKC, even though we both have our profiles linked. It's just that learned automatic response.

For some things, it's taken the embarrassment of being caught, and occasionally my wife doing something like giving me the "you're so pretty" look and telling me "don't be stupid dear". When the consequence doesn't live up to the nightmare, it's easier to realize that the action isn't "wrong".

For the most part, I wouldn't sweat it. It sounds like there's far more going on that would compel your husband to hide...not to lie to you, but to hide the truth from himself perhaps. If your reaction isn't to scream and shout, but instead give him a disappointed look and pat on the head for being stupid, then you might find he'll figure out it isn't worth trying to lie...even automatically.

Sometimes breaking the shackles is a two person job.
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Old 09-10-2011, 04:18 AM
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Kealoha Kealoha is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
For the most part, I wouldn't sweat it. It sounds like there's far more going on that would compel your husband to hide...not to lie to you, but to hide the truth from himself perhaps. If your reaction isn't to scream and shout, but instead give him a disappointed look and pat on the head for being stupid, then you might find he'll figure out it isn't worth trying to lie...even automatically.

Sometimes breaking the shackles is a two person job.
Lol thank you! Totally hadn't thought about that! For the record, I didn't yell last night, simply asked because I was curious...he had told me previously that he wasn't interested in looking anytime soon and he hadn't updated me. I still want him to tell me if he is going to date, so I don't find out some other way. As far as the feeling that I'm sneaking up behind him...Maybe it would help if he sat in the other chair? So his back isn't to the door when I go out to say goodnight?
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Old 09-10-2011, 04:22 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kealoha View Post
We don't hide things, we're open, and we're there for each other. *sighs* I guess no matter how long you are with someone, you can't assume you'll never have to review the rules again huh?
Yuppers,..never assume. Especially if you haven`t done this in awhile. If he was just a bit rusty, or if his response was a old habit/ reactionary, then I would think he would of fessed up after he thought about it. Not wait to get caught again.

So,..review, but feel free to ask him what makes him feel comfortable. The truth you hear is better, then holding a rule that will just get torched all the time.
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Old 09-10-2011, 07:17 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
One of the things I gleaned a while back from the Ethical Slut was the idea of scripts. The way behaviors that we all know by rote from society, media, etc. The ones that tell us what we're supposed to do with a given situation.
Yes, I believe the psychological concept of scripts comes from Adler back in the late 20s/early 30s.

Whether we call it scripts, tapes, default programming, etc. (depending on the school of thought), I think it's something we all should be aware of because we humans are such creatures of habit. When we realize we've survived a sticky situation, we associate it with something we did and then turn that into a successful tactic in our minds, which we then put into our inner arsenal and automatically use it for other situations that make us uncomfortable, even if the response isn't appropriate to the new situation. It does sound like this was just one of those automatic responses in him, since he did say he felt embarrassed about being "caught." Good for you for not freaking out and just having a conversation with him about it.

But I would think that if he was so trepidatious about signing up, why wouldn't he have talked to you about it beforehand? Maybe that's what you might suggest - that instead of doing something secretly out of embarrassment, he feel free to talk about it beforehand so it won't have that kind of impact.
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