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  #11  
Old 09-09-2011, 07:47 PM
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Egad, I take back what I said about being judgmental! She's not being very smart at all. While I still see nothing wrong with having a period of casual relationships so soon after a break-up, I can't even fathom how she could have asked with a straight face that your hubs go bareback. Or that she only wants a threesome and never any one-on-one time.

It's like you got the reverse nightmare of what unicorns go through. Here's a couple doing it right and she's got it all wrong. Well, at least ya gotta laugh at the irony of it.

You and she both know what you want and it's not a match.

No, your standards are not too high. Keep on keeping on! Oh, Lawdy!
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-09-2011 at 07:53 PM.
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  #12  
Old 09-09-2011, 07:51 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Sounds to me like you guys handled this very well. You determined she wasn't at all interested in what you're looking for before getting your feelings hurt. And not willing to get tested?? Er, yeah, that's a dealbreaker. Your expectations in that regard are *not* too high, that should be a given. Also, I really think it's great that you guys are open to seeing women in lots of different situations, not just "unicorns." Kudos.

I'll second previous posters and say that you guys just need to do what anyone hoping for a new partner needs to do... go out into the world, be social, do group activities, have a good time and see who you meet! And yeah, even if purely casual sex is not what you want, be careful not to try to make things too serious too fast... most people don't click and commit as quickly as you two did with each other, that's for sure! Keep it light and fun and open while being honest that NSA sex is not for you. Note though, that sometimes NSA sex becomes more... that's how I ended up with my gf, Gia.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #13  
Old 09-09-2011, 09:08 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post
...she couldn't tell us what her true intentions were at first because she knew we wanted more.

Needless to say, we were kind of turned off by her being with so many people and being so casual about it. To her, I think she thinks polyamory means promiscuity and no emotional or deeper connection. On top of it, she felt uncomfortable with the discussion of STD testing. Big red flags all of the way around...
So why aren't you turned off by the basic dishonesty she showed? Seriously, I wouldn't sweat the fact that she's not ready for a serious relationship at this point nor even the discomfort in dealing with STD testing (which she could view as something only for serious relationships that involve fluid bonding and not what she wants right now). I'd be very concerned that she wasn't forthright with what she wanted just because she was trying to manipulate you into an ongoing relationship of a sort different than what you want.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

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  #14  
Old 09-09-2011, 09:38 PM
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
So why aren't you turned off by the basic dishonesty she showed? Seriously, I wouldn't sweat the fact that she's not ready for a serious relationship at this point nor even the discomfort in dealing with STD testing (which she could view as something only for serious relationships that involve fluid bonding and not what she wants right now). I'd be very concerned that she wasn't forthright with what she wanted just because she was trying to manipulate you into an ongoing relationship of a sort different than what you want.
Her dishonesty was something we were turned off by; honesty is very important to us. it was one of many things we were turned off by. I almost felt she was leading us on TBH.

as far as dealing with the STD testing for only fluid bonding relationships.. i do not agree if that's what she's thinking. she didn't seem like she cared at all, as long as she "believed" that someone is clean because they say so that's all that matters. condoms are NOT 100% effective against STD's or pregnancy. you can still get HPV and HSV by using condoms or dental dams.

big lesson learned here, for sure.
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  #15  
Old 09-09-2011, 09:53 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Egad, I take back what I said about being judgmental! She's not being very smart at all. While I still see nothing wrong with having a period of casual relationships so soon after a break-up, I can't even fathom how she could have asked with a straight face that your hubs go bareback. Or that she only wants a threesome and never any one-on-one time.

It's like you got the reverse nightmare of what unicorns go through. Here's a couple doing it right and she's got it all wrong. Well, at least ya gotta laugh at the irony of it.

You and she both know what you want and it's not a match.

No, your standards are not too high. Keep on keeping on! Oh, Lawdy!
Defintiely nothing wrong with casual relationships so soon after a breakup, been there myself and most of us have if not all of us.

When she asked the bare back question, I think my jaw dropped. Not literally, but I know my eyes got big and he raised and eyebrow. I took a sip of my drink and then began what was the rest of the convo. I was absolutely stunned, it was a first. And yes, she did it comepletely with a straight face.

LOL@ reverse unicorn nightmare. that's exactly what it felt like.

It's not that this was our first time meeting someone or dating someone. We've had a couple of girls before that we had semi-casual things with, a very long time ago.. and that's how we figured out that we wanted something more. We didn't want a one nighter and we genuinely wanted to find someone to develop an all-around deep connection with. In otherwords, we want to find our soulmate...if that's even possible.

I'm glad we know what we want. I'm glad she knows what she wants, but feel slighted that she couldn't be forthcoming from the start with her, since we were. And I'm glad we figured this out before any more feelings got invested.
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  #16  
Old 09-10-2011, 01:06 PM
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Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post

It's not that this was our first time meeting someone or dating someone. We've had a couple of girls before that we had semi-casual things with, a very long time ago.. and that's how we figured out that we wanted something more. We didn't want a one nighter and we genuinely wanted to find someone to develop an all-around deep connection with. In other words, we want to find our soulmate...if that's even possible.

I'm glad we know what we want.
We, we, we, us.

Why are you (plural) so intent on finding one person who will love and lust for you both equally? There are so many stories here of unsuccessful unicorn hunts. And admittedly, my ex and I, 12 years ago, were naive unicorn hunters... our one try was a spectacular failure. We didn't bother trying again. (In '08, he and I split, and 6 months later that woman moved in with him... the cowgirl won! Yeehah!)

In the poly world, it's hard enough finding one person for one other person to love and connect with, and share interests and goals with. Finding one "girl" for a MF couple to *share* is almost impossible.
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  #17  
Old 09-10-2011, 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
We, we, we, us.

Why are you (plural) so intent on finding one person who will love and lust for you both equally? There are so many stories here of unsuccessful unicorn hunts. And admittedly, my ex and I, 12 years ago, were naive unicorn hunters... our one try was a spectacular failure. We didn't bother trying again. (In '08, he and I split, and 6 months later that woman moved in with him... the cowgirl won! Yeehah!)

In the poly world, it's hard enough finding one person for one other person to love and connect with, and share interests and goals with. Finding one "girl" for a MF couple to *share* is almost impossible.
We are intent on it, because it's what we both ultimately want together. It has happened for some people, so I'm not giving up hope yet, neither is he. I was sharing some of the replies with him last night including yours and we wound up talking about how not easy this is to find someone to date a couple. He then suggested that we should open our options up instead of being so narrow minded and set on a specific configuration. He said that maybe it's just easier if we both try to meet other women, or if I wanted to..a man.

That's not something he's exactly been comfortable considering in the past, but he said "I can't expect you to be OK with me dating another woman and tell you it's not OK for you to date who you want, whether that be a woman or a man." That's a huge step forward for him I think! Poly is all about loving more IMO, and his too so maybe we've been limiting ourselves by focusing on finding someone so specific.
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  #18  
Old 09-10-2011, 07:05 PM
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Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post
He then suggested that we should open our options up instead of being so narrow minded and set on a specific configuration. He said that maybe it's just easier if we both try to meet other women, or if I wanted to..a man.

That's not something he's exactly been comfortable considering in the past, but he said "I can't expect you to be OK with me dating another woman and tell you it's not OK for you to date who you want, whether that be a woman or a man." That's a huge step forward . . .
Yay! I agree that is a step forward and a good, positive one. AND, in addition, taking the pressure off on finding only one for the two of you and being open to having relationships with people individually not only opens up the door to more possibilities but also increases the odds of meeting a woman that wants to be with both of you. You know, how women who are stressed out trying to get pregnant often finally do get pregnant after they relax and decide to adopt? I mean, you never know what the future holds, so letting go of a rigid ideal can only enable more possibility to come your way and for you to see potential where you perhaps would have overlooked it before.
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  #19  
Old 09-10-2011, 07:17 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Beautiful!! I think this is a hugely positive step. Like I said in another thread, we fall in love with individuals, not relationship structures or ideals. Successful triads seem to happen with time and luck, and may build from something that started out different. Best to keep your mind and heart open, rather than letting your ideal vision keep you from enjoying whatever beautiful things you might be lucky enough to find.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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