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  #41  
Old 08-08-2011, 07:49 PM
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River River is offline
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.





Love after Love

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.


~ Derek Walcot






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  #42  
Old 08-09-2011, 12:29 AM
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"The number one thing that damages my self esteem is other people not having good self esteem and trying to decrease mine by defaming me..."

Man this is true true true! well put
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  #43  
Old 08-09-2011, 04:10 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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How important is self esteem in the creation of healthy, loving relationships?

If I wouldn't date me, why one earth would anyone else? Having no self-esteem makes you feel like a fraud if and when you miraculously end up in a romantic relationship. Boy, if only they would know what I'm really like, they wouldn't give me the time of day/would turn their backs on me/abandon me for their OSO.

In poly, self-esteem issues are one of the surest ways to end up with heaps of drama.

How is self esteem furthered where it is insufficient?

I have mantras, such as "I'm a good friend, a good partner and a good family member. If someone doesn't get that, their loss" or "Those who know me best love me the most".

On a scale of 0 -10, with 0 being the least and 10 being the most of healthy self esteem, where is your average placement on the scale over the last year?

9 I would think.

Has your placement on that scale changed in recent time?

Yes. I was in a really dark, frightening place some three years ago.

If yes, why/how do you think it has changed?

Gradually, with the help of medication that helped me put my inner chatter at rest for long enough for any true introspection to be possible. I have remembered things from my past that now fall in context and explain why I was so afraid of anyone seeing the real me for so long. Coming out on various things to various people and realising that they won't stop loving me or start treating me any differently when they get to know more about me.
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  #44  
Old 08-09-2011, 08:05 PM
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I think self-esteem is essential for just about everything in life that we try to manage as adults. If I do not invest in myself in a very real way, it makes it very difficult to stand up against wrongs (no matter how minor), and to be there for others. When one is lacking in esteem, there is a tendency to be very self-absorbed and always monitoring one's actions, words, feelings. To be constantly second-guessing oneself, inwardly asking ourselves things like, "Oh, did I do that right?", "Do they like me?", "Am I okay?", "How am I doing?" takes us out of the present moment where life is actually happening.

So, what is a "very real way" to invest in oneself? I like what my friends in AA have to say about it: If you want self-esteem, do esteemable things.

Basically, self-esteem comes with practice, I think, much more than through self-talk. Self-talk and affirmations can help, but we can also very easily follow those along into the usual mental process that has us thinking less of ourselves. If we can just rise to the occasion as things occur, do what needs to be done, accomplish tasks, meet challenges -- without giving in to patting ourselves on the back, either, which is just another way to have a dialogue about how we're doing instead of engaging in life at this moment of now -- but simply to be productive and follow through, then we suddenly realize that we've found ourselves just feeling good about who we are.
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  #45  
Old 08-09-2011, 11:49 PM
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I see self esteem as importantly related to self confidence, but these two as also importantly different. One can have a good deal of self confidence in the various abilities one has to succeed in the various aspects of one's life, and yet lack significantly in self esteem.

I see self esteem as something which can be eroded by negative self-talk ("I'm just not good/worthy enough"...), yet merely having positive self talk ("I'm plenty good/worthy enough") can only partly ameliorate poor self esteem.

Self esteem seems to emerge naturally with a certain kind of self-intimacy and self-knowing, which goes deeper than mere thoughts and beliefs. One has to be well-grounded in one's embodiment and present-moment experience in order for self esteem to emerge, which it does naturally when such grounding is present.
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  #46  
Old 09-04-2011, 09:07 PM
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Self esteem ... or self compassion?

Video: http://www.self-compassion.org/video...lf-esteem.html

Website: http://www.self-compassion.org
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Last edited by River; 09-04-2011 at 10:23 PM.
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  #47  
Old 09-08-2011, 04:38 PM
OpenandCountry OpenandCountry is offline
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How important is self esteem in the creation of healthy, loving relationships?
incredibly important. It's very hard to hate yourself and love someone else...it leads to depression, distance, and sometimes resentment.

How is self esteem furthered where it is insufficient?
I've had major issues with depression, and one of the ways I battle it is doing something where I feel physically competent. (running, strength training, etc.) Conditioning my body strengthens my mind for some reason. Guess I'm just a physical person.

On a scale of 0 -10, with 0 being the least and 10 being the most of healty self esteem, where is your average placement on the scale over the last year?
Like I said, I've had issues with depression, and I'm also a bit manic depressive (managing it well, though) so it can fluctuate between 0 and 8, I would say. I do my best to not let it affect work/school/relationships.



Self esteem is so important in relationships...it ensures that your partners get the best of you. At least that's what I tell myself when I'm down.
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  #48  
Old 09-08-2011, 10:33 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Self-esteem is actually the key to all aspects of life, not just relationships.

In my own experiences, I have found that the very need to be in a relationship was based on low self-esteem. (Not only for me, but also for some of the people I've been closest to).

In fact, I think our couple-focused culture PROMOTES low self-esteem. (By "our" I mean "modern society" or whatever, not polyamory).

Polyamory and non-monogamy in general require high self-esteem. Healthy monogamy does too.

But I also feel that traditional monogamy itself reinforces low self-esteem. You need someone else to "complete you"? If your significant other has feelings for someone else, that means you yourself are lacking something? The most significant moment of your life is supposed to be your wedding?

Self-esteem is raised by focusing on yourself. Increase your hobbies, your interests, your knowledge, your experiences. Go new places, make new friends, and above all, learn to enjoy being by yourself.

(That said, you can also become a better person and feel better about yourself by doing nice things for other people and becoming less self-centered).

I was at about a zero in self-esteem when I was in high school and at my first college.

Starting when I was about 21, my self-esteem jumped to about 6 (mainly because I became more self-aware and actually learned to like myself). Thereafter, it increased by a point every year. By 25, I was almost a 10, and I stayed that way for a while.

Last year, when I was 29, my self-esteem plummeted to about 2 when my ex-boyfriend blamed my for his sexual problems (among other things). Then it plunged to zero because I was so mad at myself for being so affected by my ex.

I've spent the past year crawling back from the abyss. I guess I'm at about a 6 again. I feel like I don't want to date again until I'm at least an 8.
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  #49  
Old 09-08-2011, 11:38 PM
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Kealoha Kealoha is offline
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How important is self esteem in the creation of healthy, loving relationships?

I believe it is crucial in any relationship, and for life in general. I've missed out on so much due to lack of self-esteem and fear. I agree with Red Pepper that "healthy relationships are also essential in building self-esteem." The people you love...the people you care about can have such an impact on your self-worth, simply because you care how they feel about things. I was amazed when I finally realized how much I was hurting my husband with my depression. Of course, when I was having one of my "moments" as my grandmother called it, I was focused on my pain...and not anything else.

How is self esteem furthered where it is insufficient?

I'm still working on this, but I've found in the past year that I simply need to distract myself from myself. I get up off my butt and get busy. (If I don't, I end up curled in a pathetic ball in a dark room.) Find something to do, someone to talk to. Find something to focus on beside my pain. Exercise has helped a lot...getting out and walking, walking, walking or dancing like crazy. Drawing or painting doesn't help me, but pounding some clay or carving some wood does. My 3 yr. old helped me discover this recently. Also, being around positive people helps.

On a scale of 0 -10, with 0 being the least and 10 being the most of healty self esteem, where is your average placement on the scale over the last year?

*laughs* My self-esteem has fluctuated like crazy since I remember. Last year, I had to leave my job because it was costing more to be there then to be at home with my kids. My self-esteem went straight to zero. I felt like such a failure, even though I hated my corporate job! It's finally going up. It never went past 5 or six before, but I find that recently it has gotten back to that point and still climbing.

Has your placement on that scale changed in recent time?
Drastically...

If yes, why/how do you think it has changed?

Having a sunny 3 yr old and some great friends with positive attitudes and unique perspectives has made a world of difference. Having friends that are willing to listen to me is a miracle! Being able to talk about my childhood and trying to see things in a new light. Learning how to love and for once, not feel guilty about loving (for the record, my husband has never made me feel guilty about loving anyone else), not feel guilty about enjoying my time with my child...

Last edited by Kealoha; 09-08-2011 at 11:39 PM. Reason: lol accidentally bolded everything...
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