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  #11  
Old 09-05-2011, 08:43 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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These are the things Editor said to me.

Editor told me he'd been "unhappy and frustrated" the entire time he was with me. (He did not once mention this, and I had NO IDEA).

He said that he'd never felt I was his "real girlfriend" because I didn't want a serious relationship. (Also something I had NO IDEA about).

When I told him I felt like I was losing my best friend, he stared at me and said I must be "isolated and depressed" if I felt he was my best friend.

When I asked him why the sex had worked so much better (and instantly) with Clara, he BLAMED ME FOR HIS IMPOTENCE. He told me that he and Clara had "real intimacy," which is what he'd always wanted.

When I asked him to explain what he meant, he said that he and I had never had "emotional intimacy."

We didn't have emotional intimacy in two years, but he and Clara had it in one weekend? (At the time I talked to him, he'd only seen Clara two or three times, although he already committed to moving across the country to live with her).

He told me that he had never been happy with me because I had never wanted "love and commitment."

He said he and Clara knew that they were "boyfriend and girlfriend" right away but that I been unsure at first, and that he'd never been happy with me because of that.

Finally he admitted that he also felt that I only cared about sex.

Right...I spent over two years with an impotent man because I only care about sex...

I was so totally confused. Editor and I had never even used those terms--intimacy, commitment--when we were together. He never said he WANTED those things.

I asked him if I had inadvertently hurt him during the open part of our relationship. He said no because he'd known from the beginning that our relationship "wasn't going anywhere."

But I thought it did go somewhere. He was my best friend in the world.

After more questioning, he also admitted that after he met Jill (the girl who was unavailable to him), he realized he had "real feelings" for her that he never had for me. After that, he had no interest in seeing me any more (but never told me that).

Incidentally, he also dropped his friendship with Jill when he met Clara, which totally confused Jill because she had no idea Editor had been in love with her.

Also, I forgot to mention that overlapping with all of this last summer, I did not get into the graduate program I wanted, I had a huge fight with my brother that left me not speaking to him for four months, and I've been in pain from a chronic health condition (that Editor claimed to not even remember I had). Plus, all the mutual friends I had with Editor stopped speaking to me--including, inexplicably, Ann.

On top of that, I learned that Actor has married and is expecting a child (another shock, although I'm not angry with him and he'd still a supportive friend to me). I also had to sever my friendship with Phil (who I chatted with almost daily these past four years) because he was not willing to listen or be supportive about what happened with Editor.

Anyway...I ended up collapsing into a six-month depression, seeing a therapist, and thinking over and over about the phrases "real intimacy" and "real girlfriend.

I tried having IM conversation with Editor to see if these issues could be overcome. He kept insisting that we could be "friends" but he refused to tell me what we would do as friends or why he liked me as a friend. But he told me he wouldn't talk to me at all if I couldn't "get past" the things he'd said to me.

Finally I severed all ties with Editor, mailed back all his stuff and told him not to speak to me again. I felt immensely better after that. (He was pretty mad, though, and sent me a nasty email. Another kick in the teeth).

Since last summer I have reapplied and got into the graduate program, traveled to Europe for a writing workshop, repaired relations with my brother, got a new writing job, placed as a finalist in a short story contest, and have been joining polyamorous organizations. (In addition to other new social things).

So now I'm better. But that's what happened to me, and that's where I'm coming from when I post here.

My self-esteem still feels very fragile, though. Obviously, I suppose.

Thanks for reading this novel-length rant about myself!

I have vowed not to date again until I've figured out how to communicate better, or whatever the hell is wrong with me.
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  #12  
Old 09-05-2011, 10:41 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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It's quite the ordeal, and having watched the posts run out over the course of the day, you've put a lot of time and effort into sharing your story here. Thanks for that.

Although I'd suggest that relationships are a two way street, so while there may be things about yourself you may want to work on, I hope you remember that Editor has his full share of responsibility for why the relationship didn't work out. It sounds like he's done a pretty good job of offloading that blame onto you...but that doesn't mean you have to accept it. It's all good to find out what you could do better for the future, but part of that is also knowing what shit is yours, and what shit belongs to them...whether they acknowledge it or not.

Peace.
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  #13  
Old 09-05-2011, 11:18 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Communication is a two way street. It sounds to me like you were reaching out to keep the friendship established, but he was shutting you down. How can you know what is wrong if he won't tell you?
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  #14  
Old 09-08-2011, 10:40 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Thanks. I definitely enjoyed spending the day indulging myself by writing this, rather than writing my graduate essay! (Luckily, the essay is now written).

I'm not blaming myself so much as feeling furiously angry at Editor. Which is as unhelpful as blaming myself.

There's a lot of stuff I left out, such as that I still miss Editor every day, but in a platonic way. I cared about him like a brother. I thought I was going to go to his wedding someday.

Also, I have to encounter him professionally for the rest of my life. Plus I will run into his friends (formerly, my friends)--one of whom told me that it sounded like I was just Editor's "practice girlfriend."
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