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  #11  
Old 09-08-2011, 04:54 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by leannahope View Post
Good point. Unfortunately, having different needs/wants than someone else in a relationship is not just a poly thing, it's a dating issue in general. I wish you the best of luck, dear.
True, true! It's such a tricky question, when to bring up those sorts of things. Too early and you might scare a person off, too late and you might find you've gone farther than you meant to along different tracks. But if you're at the losing sleep stage, I would definitely have at least a light conversation with him about it. Something along the lines of:

"I really like you and I'm curious to see where this could lead, but this is all so new to me! Our relationship is young, so I'm not looking to define it at this earlier stage, but I want to know what's possible. Do you see this as only ever being a casual thing, or do you think it could some day get more serious? I would never try to replace your wife just like I know you'd never try to replace my bf, but what if this became very important to both of us? Do you think you'd try to clamp down on things to keep from having two deeply-involved/primary partners, or is there a possibility that we would just see where it goes?
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  #12  
Old 09-08-2011, 08:02 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by sealace View Post
Also, another concern is -- what if new guy only wants sex? That's not all I'm looking for. I am concerned I'd be emotionally involved and he'd only be sexually involved, then I'd get hurt.
Not that this is a foolproof way, as it doesn't exist, but I suggest spending more than 50% of your time together out of bed. Movies, parks, chatting over dinner, spending time getting to know each other over coffee (and what each other is looking for as well as finding out about his past relationships and how involved they were for him emotionally) - I am sure people can fake enjoying somebodies company to get to the sex part for awhile, but a willingness to do non bedroom related activities at least indicate that they are interested in being your friend at the minimum, and give you an idea if they like being with YOU, not just your body.

AnnabelMore has great advice on the Love conversation I think. I don't know how many people your bf has dated (and if he's been in love with anybody other than his wife recently), but I know the first time I fell in love with somebody besides my husband, it surprised me, not because we weren't supposed to/"allowed to" fall in love with others, just because it didn't think it would happen, so we hadn't discussed it ahead of time. Luckily it was fine with my SO, but since I have seen cases where it's all AOK to date somebody until love enters the picture, it is good to suss out the situation with him and his wife earlier if you're feeling this strongly.
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  #13  
Old 09-08-2011, 10:42 PM
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Originally Posted by IrisAwakened View Post
I know those sleepless nights! For me it was up with the new guy in my mind, thinking about him sexually and then tenderly (like, "What if he were here right now?" and "What if we fell in love?"), I think this type of sleeplessness is normal with most new successful relationships.

I would just take it slowly, and feel it out. When you feel like you absolutely need to know, just ask the guy about it. Honesty and openness is a huge Poly skill to have, very helpful!

I agree that it is difficult if you are alone all of the time, starting a new poly relationship. It always makes me feel more needy and sometimes that can be difficult to reign in.
Thanks, I.A., I found your post reassuring. Yeah, I am mostly dating people in open relationships right now, and I have found that once I really start to like them (it's only happened twice) then I do start feeling needy and freak out a bit. It's almost like I'm single since I'm not physically with my partner. Thanks for your insights.
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  #14  
Old 09-08-2011, 10:57 PM
sealace sealace is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Not that this is a foolproof way, as it doesn't exist, but I suggest spending more than 50% of your time together out of bed. Movies, parks, chatting over dinner, spending time getting to know each other over coffee (and what each other is looking for as well as finding out about his past relationships and how involved they were for him emotionally) - I am sure people can fake enjoying somebodies company to get to the sex part for awhile, but a willingness to do non bedroom related activities at least indicate that they are interested in being your friend at the minimum, and give you an idea if they like being with YOU, not just your body.

AnnabelMore has great advice on the Love conversation I think. I don't know how many people your bf has dated (and if he's been in love with anybody other than his wife recently), but I know the first time I fell in love with somebody besides my husband, it surprised me, not because we weren't supposed to/"allowed to" fall in love with others, just because it didn't think it would happen, so we hadn't discussed it ahead of time. Luckily it was fine with my SO, but since I have seen cases where it's all AOK to date somebody until love enters the picture, it is good to suss out the situation with him and his wife earlier if you're feeling this strongly.
This is good advice, the 50% thing. I admit we have crazy chemistry and I'd be just as guilty as he in wanting to get physical quickly, but the nice thing is we actually have a lot in common and I enjoy talking to him a lot, too.

I actually had a conversation with him after my first post here, and I asked him what he was looking for and what he and his wife's emotional boundaries were. Hopefully those questions weren't too intense but he doesn't seem to mind talking about poly stuff. He told me he never really "dated" before his open relationship--instead, he was sort of a serial monogamist. In other words, he is good at relationships and not a player.

So yeah, I'll just take things as they come and try to chillax a bit. Something else that helps is that there are a couple other people I am seeing that I like, it's just not quite as intense with them.

I appreciate your responses! This is new grounds for me.
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  #15  
Old 09-08-2011, 11:17 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by sealace View Post
I asked him what he was looking for and what he and his wife's emotional boundaries were. Hopefully those questions weren't too intense but he doesn't seem to mind talking about poly stuff.
Well, if anyone wants to get involved in poly, they should be willing to talk about it, and you should never feel hesitant to ask questions about how his other relationships will affect you. I would feel weird if someone was against talking about it - that would be a bad sign.

One thing I wanted to say regarding this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by sealace View Post
. . . he said he'd rather see someone regularly then see many people all the time. That made me feel a little better, since I want to see him regularly . . . another concern is -- what if new guy only wants sex? That's not all I'm looking for. I am concerned I'd be emotionally involved and he'd only be sexually involved, then I'd get hurt.
Again, you shouldn't worry about asking him this stuff. There's nothing wrong with asking, "Are you looking for something casual and primarily sexual?" Now, you don't have to say you only want love because that sounds corny and relationships have to start somewhere, but you can say that you don't want just a sexual arrangement and are looking to build a relationship on more than that. Putting it that way could open the door for a conversation that really allows you to say what you want in relationships.
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  #16  
Old 09-08-2011, 11:49 PM
sealace sealace is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, if anyone wants to get involved in poly, they should be willing to talk about it, and you should never feel hesitant to ask questions about how his other relationships will affect you. I would feel weird if someone was against talking about it - that would be a bad sign.

One thing I wanted to say regarding this:

Again, you shouldn't worry about asking him this stuff. There's nothing wrong with asking, "Are you looking for something casual and primarily sexual?" Now, you don't have to say you only want love because that sounds corny and relationships have to start somewhere, but you can say that you don't want just a sexual arrangement and are looking to build a relationship on more than that. Putting it that way could open the door for a conversation that really allows you to say what you want in relationships.

Thanks for the input. This is all great communication practice! Not stuff always commonly practiced in relationships, but very important and valuable. Many thanks.
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