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  #21  
Old 09-08-2011, 02:12 PM
peabean peabean is offline
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No, you are not misunderstanding. If a triad is to work then each relationship has to develop. Otherwise the person coming in will always feel like an outsider. How are you supposed to feel when they say 'us' as in the two of them? In reality, I would rather have 'us' mean all three of us.

In my triad I make a conscious effort to say 'I' instead of 'we' when talking to my girlfriend. This actually has an impact on our thinking patterns since in this way I'm standing with her unconditionally. I don't need my husband to love her for me to love her. He doesn't need me to love her for he to love her. We all need to love each other individually in order to love together as three people.

I find the language for these concepts lacking. Whenever I write this stuff out I feel like I sound like an idiot. But, I will keep trying because apparently functional triads are unusual and anyone in a triad needs support.

It sounds like the couple you were involved with wasn't ready for this. I've learned that the couple has to be open to changing their relationship in order to form a triad. You can't just 'add another person' and expect your original couple dynamics to stay the same. Being in a triad forces us to keep changing, keep evolving the way we love each other. I'm very happy for it but it can be terribly frightening at times.

Good luck on your journey.
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  #22  
Old 09-08-2011, 05:11 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DancingNancy View Post
Side note:
As I am the first newcomer into their longterm relationship... What do you think the odds are that even they don't know it's unrealistic?? Innocent ignorance? I'd be in the same boat if I wasn't compulsive about educating myself about everything.
I think in many cases, it really is 'newbie' ignorance on a couple`s part. I don`t think most couples mean to put a third person in such a position. They simply haven`t taken the time to realize the predicament they put someone in. They are simply thinking about protecting their own relationship with each other.

If intentions are honest for a relationship and not a fwb scenario, then usually some time to think, will enable people to find some common goals, all three people can work towards.

Hang in there.
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  #23  
Old 09-08-2011, 07:45 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Sorry to hear about this. I am glad you spoke with them early on though to clarify what was possible with them. I know it hurts if this is it, but I'm sure it's worlds better than being involved with them for awhile, having one of them decide it's not working out, then losing both of them because they are "one entity".

*hug*
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  #24  
Old 09-08-2011, 08:21 PM
DancingNancy DancingNancy is offline
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Um, that she's a twat?
Lmao!
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  #25  
Old 09-08-2011, 08:28 PM
DancingNancy DancingNancy is offline
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Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
I think in many cases, it really is 'newbie' ignorance on a couple`s part. I don`t think most couples mean to put a third person in such a position. They simply haven`t taken the time to realize the predicament they put someone in. They are simply thinking about protecting their own relationship with each other.

If intentions are honest for a relationship and not a fwb scenario, then usually some time to think, will enable people to find some common goals, all three people can work towards.

Hang in there.
They are an entity, or so they think. Even among my FRIENDS, I hate it when couples are attached at the hip. Be yourself for goodness sakes. I told them so, that's why I got shut out. Start out as you plan to go, wherever that leads me. When I was married, total mono, he had female friends, my BESt friend was a guy. There was never infidelity... On my part... And I didn't know about his for years. Thanks for the support and the Uber wise words, friends.
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  #26  
Old 09-08-2011, 08:29 PM
DancingNancy DancingNancy is offline
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I will not settle for a broken heart down the line.
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  #27  
Old 09-08-2011, 08:34 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Nancy, if you want a good laugh, or to send them something they will *totally* not appreciate, go to youtube and search for "smbc blind date."
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  #28  
Old 09-08-2011, 09:10 PM
freyamarie freyamarie is offline
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I think you are way ahead of the game to be able to recognize how unrealistic their approach was and to decline to continue. You are likely right, they don't know what they are doing and it very likely would end in disaster. Hopefully they will educate themselves.
We are new to poly ourselves and are trying to learn as much as we can by reading forums and stories and meeting people who successfully live a love-full life.
At least you will know what to watch out for in future dating. Half the battle seems to be in clearly knowing/understanding what you want...the other half is connecting with others who do to and having it all mesh in a healthy way.
Best of luck to you.
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  #29  
Old 09-08-2011, 09:30 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Nancy, if you want a good laugh, or to send them something they will *totally* not appreciate, go to youtube and search for "smbc blind date."
Oh that was really funny! (here's the direct link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33v_D5MV3Gc )

This one is quite funny, too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJS76Bf-ZYo
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  #30  
Old 09-08-2011, 11:44 PM
DancingNancy DancingNancy is offline
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Red face She replied... Oh it's good.

So she texted me... After I inquired as to why she thought it was okay to just leave someone hanging like that. I would normally not do this, but I'm freaking sharing this. (this is from someone in a MF relationship looking for another bi female to join a triad)... This is why you polys get a bad name, but I set her straight for ya!

Her:
okay well I have been thinking for a day now sorry I didn't reply last night... I love my (him) there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him or with him and asking us to be two different people, when we are ONE bringing in someone new to be with and it is something we have decided together. I don't think it's fair that you want to get to know us apart from each other, it feels like you are trying to date us separately when you knew going into this that youdont get one or the other you get both together and if you don't want us how we are and how we come together than you really don't want either cause this is what we both want. Don't get me wrong we both really like you but if it won't work with all three of us, then it won't work developing anything deeper than sex.

Whew!

My reply:
It's not fair to develop relationships with both? Is that a joke? So you and him get your own thing, and I get all or none. Nice. Kindly, you have a lot to learn about the relationship you seek. Nobody wants to be a puppet of two except a sub. There is not one relationship, there are four. If you are not willing to allow your relationship to change and evolve, then you cannot in good conscience pursue a poly relationship. It can't happen, it won't work. I hate secrets, but I don't want every word and sentiment I feel forwarded. Bringing someone into your relationship demands that you offer that person the same things YOU need, including the opportunity to bond individually. It includes allowing that person the chance to love.



Not shockingly, no reply. Discuss amongst yourselves. CNt wait to read responses...
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