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  #11  
Old 10-27-2009, 02:38 AM
Manno Manno is offline
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Default Thanks for the help and the humor!

Roly: I was abbreviated today in my replies, as I was at work, and my first remark about being "specific enough" was because I'm a little long winded usually.

Red Pepper: I really appreciate the advice and while I know this happens a lot, I didn't know many people who have gone through it. As for how this all turned a new leaf, I don't feel cheated or disrespected, though I understand every relationship is a bit different. Throughout our lives together, we've paid particular attention to make sure we talk through everything. And your last comment about getting that sexual release out of the way in their friendship, I'm fairly certain it needed to happen, for them and actually for us.

LovingRadiance: Thank you for the encouragement, and I'll keep you posted, though I feel a lot better now that I simply focused and wrote it all down.
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  #12  
Old 10-27-2009, 03:32 AM
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Now you know 3. After my son i was like that for a LONG time.
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  #13  
Old 10-27-2009, 04:43 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Mono......don't you ever take a giant step back and unload? Oh, that picture.......I'm in dire need of a mental eraser.......lol
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  #14  
Old 10-27-2009, 04:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
Mono......don't you ever take a giant step back and unload? Oh, that picture.......I'm in dire need of a mental erasure.......lol
LOL! I can't even respond to this..HAHAHA!
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  #15  
Old 10-27-2009, 05:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Manno View Post
Red Pepper: I really appreciate the advice and while I know this happens a lot, I didn't know many people who have gone through it. As for how this all turned a new leaf, I don't feel cheated or disrespected, though I understand every relationship is a bit different. Throughout our lives together, we've paid particular attention to make sure we talk through everything. And your last comment about getting that sexual release out of the way in their friendship, I'm fairly certain it needed to happen, for them and actually for us.
Yes, I didn't think you felt cheated on, but some others might see it as so if it wasn't talked about. You know your own relationship and it's boundaries, it sounds like a "blip" like that is just a "blip," so be it.

It sounds like you are in the habit of talking and that things have settled. I do hope you can get through your thoughts of loneliness though. My husband went through that terribly at the beginning of my relationship to Mono. He took it upon himself to better himself and his self esteem (he is kinda like that, always wants to be the best person ever... no small reason I chose TWO men like that! I respect it) and do things that he wouldn't normally do because I am around. He blogs a lot now on polyamory among other things and has gotten back to some long lost hobbies that he gave up when we had a child. He too gave up things as did I. We both are back on course with our own interests and are much happier for it.

I hope you are able to find what it is that can make you happy too although I don't suggest you start with finding a girlfriend.... one relationship starting is a lot already, settling into that dynamic first might be better until everyone has settled. My husband started a new relationship a few months ago after 8 months of working on the dynamic between Mono, him and I. He tried a relationship after a month of Mono and I getting together out of loneliness and boredom and it was too much drama for us all to handle at the time. Of course, again, you know your limits and your own dynamic.
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  #16  
Old 10-28-2009, 01:50 PM
Manno Manno is offline
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Default When the going gets weird...

...The weird turn pro. -HST

This line has been a great description of my life so far, and this recent "shift" hasn't been any different.

Again, as I think I stated in the context of the tomb that was my first post, that I've learned just as much if not more about myself that about my wife in all of these recent events.

I've found over the last few days that I am really invested in my wife's relationship experience with J (as I'll refer to him).

She went to visit him again Monday, after minimal talking, over the weekend, and I was just as concerned as she was that he was not weirded out or what not. I still haven't talked to him, and A (as I'll refer to my wife) has been really wanting me to go play cards with him or do something with him. But the last thing that I wanted to do was go play a poker game with a bunch of folks, yet not being able to talk with him personally about things that were imperative to say to him.

I told her that the first time I hang out with him I need to have her there with us so we can all talk about this together, place everything on the table, and then move from there.

We're supposed to do this friday evening, and honestly, I wish it was tonight so that it wouldn't still be on my mind. However, when A said she'd arrange it and be present, an instant layer of awkwardness was removed from my perceived future discussion with J.

I got out of the house last night, and while all I did was watch a movie with two friends (non-couple) of ours in a living room, the time was well spent.

Still haven't talked to someone else in person about this, and I'm not sure how I will approach it with anyone that already knows A and I because I don't want them to be weirded out.
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  #17  
Old 10-28-2009, 06:04 PM
Manno Manno is offline
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Default this is on my mind evidently

I'm really trying to figure out who I can in fact talk to about this:
My tight friends: My best guy friend just had his wife cheat on him with his brother and leave their marriage of 8 years for said brother. This guy's really not keen on open relationships as well. My wife and I's "fantasy unicorn," and her boyfriend are not options either, she's a little to tightly wound up and doesn't like to share really deep feelings (much the reason of why we know she's only a fantasy) even though we're tight friends (we moved across the country together). Her boyfriend is a man of MANY insecurities and jealousness, and I just don't think he'd respond well to this.

My casual friends are really closer to A than me, and while she and I flirt openly with many of them, she does so more and I'm really waiting for both of us to reveal this choice to /some/ of them.

My personal casual friends/acquaintances: Most of these are coworkers, which I already do not share many of my lifestyle choices.

My family: they live 2500 miles away, and while I know they'd be okay, my brother is having a rocky time with his marriage because an extramarital affair and I do not want to add any drama to that mix.

A new development comes from a dinner party we through on Sunday night (we're really big foodies and are friends reap the benefits) At the party, I spent time with this a friend of ours with whom I'm attracted, my wife took notice and encouraged me to pursue my attraction to her (the friend I went out with last night did as well, though she subtly revealed it). But at the same time, I don't know how I'm going to approach this, and I don't want to weird her out by asking to meet with her without A.
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  #18  
Old 10-30-2009, 06:41 PM
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Default Yet another update

So, I agreed that I'd keep this forum posted into the happenings of this paradigm shift, and now I'm at the end of a full week since we really for sure went down this path.

Despite both of us having some hellish physical afflictions, I'm learning how to deal with migranes and she has some siatic nerve problems on her back, we're doing well together and have learned a few more things about our relationship.

The big news: I kinda have a relaxed atmosphere hang-out date with a friend of ours whom I'm really attracted. Now I'm just kinda wondering how to approach this, and what have you.

I got out of the house this to meet with a friend, K, and unbeknownst to me, A (my wife) told her about the goings on in our relationship, and that night I mentioned another friend of ours, S, that I really enjoyed visiting with at our dinner party. K provided me with her number and we've made some plans.

I'm not sure if our friend K has briefed S on my relationship, and I'm wondering if I'd completely surprising her if I bring anything up. Maybe it is just dating jitters I've never really felt since the 90s.

I know I'm not the only person new to polyamory who has felt this way.

Any tips?
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  #19  
Old 10-30-2009, 08:22 PM
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Welcome back to dating jitters.

The only tips I have is to make sure you stay really in tune with your wife and her feelings. Even if she says she is fine, that can change on a dime, so keep asking. Better to annoy her with asking how she is too much than to find she has been hurting and you didn't know it. Otherwise, there's the fact that you need to make sure you balance your time and energy accordingly with your wife and daughter. Try to leave your excitment at the door about a particular person and use it to fuel a good home life.
Have fun
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-30-2009 at 08:24 PM.
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  #20  
Old 10-30-2009, 10:21 PM
Manno Manno is offline
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Default thanks Red Pepper

Are you sure you don't have a Ph.D? :P

No, I'm a little lucky on this situation. A knows this woman and she's kind of fond of her as well, and she did in fact suggest I have her over.

As for the whole energy thing and attention to the missus, I'm actually looking forward to what this will do in that regard.

And yes, I'm sure A will want to know all of the details. I think I'd be hurt if she didn't ask.

-M
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