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  #91  
Old 09-05-2011, 09:07 PM
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midnightsun midnightsun is offline
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THE BROKEN WING SYNDROME

Around this same time I ended up having a short relationship with a former special forces veteran who was damaged emotionally and physically by the horrors of war. I hadn't paid any attention to him until he had a PTSD episode right in front of me. The connection and attraction was immediate, intense and inexplicable. Sure, he was sexy, funny and smart in a practical way (as opposed to being book smart.) But other than that I barely knew him. The previous summer I had spent MONTHS getting to know a man who was intelligent, funny, good looking and completely compatible with me. We had tons in common, he was even self-educated on poly relationships and was completely comfortable with himself and the lifestyle. The only flaw was that I wasn't attracted to him even one iota. It made NO sense at all.

The affair (too short to really call it a relationship) with the war veteran made me realize a couple of things:

#1: I don't know my sexual needs very well at all. He kept asking what I wanted, what I needed sexually. I had NO clue. Here I am 37 years old and I really haven't spent a lot of time delving into my own PHYSICAL needs.

#2: I am inexplicably attracted to emotionally damaged people. I coincidentally ended up contemplating what attracts me to certain women and noticed that ALL of the women that I've been intensely SEXUALLY attracted to in person (as opposed to celebrities etc.) have had "mommy issues." Every one of them had an abusive, disapproving mother who left them emotionally damaged. Wow. This was a huge realization for me. I examined my relationships with men and... you guessed it... the only ones I have been INTENSELY attracted to were those who were emotionally damaged, guarded and distant due to traumatic incidents in their lives.

This is something I plan on addressing with a counselor. Due to my work schedule I haven't yet had a chance to explore this topic more deeply. It did occur to me, however, to wonder if I have some sort of "broken wing" syndrome that compels me to try and take the walking wounded into my nest and "heal" them. A wise person once pointed out that the danger in healing birds with broken wings is this: once they heal, they tend to fly away. In my case, I wonder if the opposite is true. I take them under my wing, heal them, allow them to be dependent on me and then once they heal I no longer find them as attractive.
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  #92  
Old 09-05-2011, 09:22 PM
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midnightsun midnightsun is offline
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HEALING AND GROWING

So, the end of the last post probably hinted at the most pressing issue in my marriage at the moment. I can't fathom life without my DH... he is my best friend. However the attraction and deep love that I felt for him at the start of our marriage and for the first several years seems to have slipped away from me. I'm at a loss as to what to do about it, or if anything CAN be done.

Is it still there, buried deep inside waiting to be discovered once we've both healed and worked on reconnecting?

Did it evaporate into the cosmos a little more each time my heart or my trust was broken as we stumbled through our relationship unintentionally hurting each other and learning about our deepest, darkest selves?

Was it never really there to begin with, but just a feeling I had for the person I *thought* my husband was and therefore disappearing as I learned more about him... or did my feelings change as he inevitably changed due to the tragic events in our life and because people naturally change and evolve as they go through life?

Am I just bored with my primary relationship after over 10 years together and the monotony of day to day life?

Is it part and parcel of some of the medication(s) I've had to take due to mild depression and hormonal changes that seem to flatten my emotions and alter my personality slightly. I've stopped taking those in an attempt to find out, but it's not as simple as it sounds.

I wish I knew the answer(s). Maybe it's a combination of all of these things and things I haven't even thought of yet.

I see other relationships that have endured for decades where the people involved seem to still be deeply in love. In some cases, they even claim to be more deeply in love and more closely connected than when they met. What's the secret? How did they do it? Why don't we have that? He still seems to love me to distraction and is clearly deeply attracted to me... what happened to me that it slipped away? More importantly... can I ever get it back? Do I need to get it back or can I be content living this way... with my best friend in contentment but not in love?

I know that all relationships come with issues. If I went off in search of love and abandoned my primary relationship in the name of said search, who's to say I would find it? If I did find it, who's to say that person wouldn't also hurt me, or hurt me worse? Who's to say THAT love would last? The grass isn't always greener on the other side. So, am I settling for less than I deserve? Am I forcing him to settle for a partner who isn't capable of giving him her whole heart?

He's my best friend and I could never break his heart and devastate his life just to satisfy romantic notions that may turn out to be a fairy tale. We have 2 children together whose happiness I'm not willing to risk on "what if." At this point that's my best answer.
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  #93  
Old 09-05-2011, 10:07 PM
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midnightsun midnightsun is offline
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THE MISSING PIECE OF THE PUZZLE

So, in the midst of all this chaos blows a sweet, soft, calming breeze. She arrived in our lives in the form of a long-time friend who we've known for years to be "poly friendly" but who was married at the time we met. She's now single and has never had biological children of her own, but has parented a number of children as part of an extended family. It hadn't dawned on me until AFTER she became a larger part of our lives, but she is IT... the fabled "unicorn." LOL! Therefore I'll refer to her as "UC."

She and "DH" have met before on a number of occasions but never really talked much. I had always thought he was her "type" and that they'd be perfect together, but her sister (who was a close friend of mine) always assured me I was horribly mistaken.

Then DH and UC serendipitously ran into each other at the grocery store and struck up a conversation. They "friended" each other by looking through my FB friends list and started talking... and flirting!!! I was pleased and hopeful... waiting, ironically, for the other shoe to drop and for DH to pull a classic bonehead move to sabotage the budding relationship.

I honestly feel that this was the ultimate test for him and for our marriage. This wasn't some person he found on a poly-friendly website or message board. This was a true, trusted friend whom I already cared about and treasured. I had known her for years to be honest, open, sweet, caring and gentle. You could not ask for a sweeter, more tender soul in a person. Luckily for him, she also has a devious kinky streak in the bedroom! She's the perfect combination of angel and devil. I already cared about her and her entire extended family. If he hurt her... there's no way I'd be able to forgive him.

I'm happy to say that he kept both of his shoes on! His shining moment came when his 1st love (I'll call her "Red") returned for another visit, this time while I was out of town. She had made it clear she still loved him and had asked me the first time around about what he and I were looking for in a poly partner. On the surface she'd said she was committed to her marriage and only looking for friendship, but it was obvious she was contemplating other options as well. DH and UC had just started fostering their romance and it was obvious that Red felt threatened by it.

Red made a fatal error at that point. She started telling UC that DH had said things about her he hadn't said. I believe she even started making comments to DH about UC. It doesn't matter; the bottom line is Red tried her damnest to manipulate DH and get between him and UC... all the while telling me she thought UC was the sweetest, most wonderful person she'd ever met.

When he found out about the "game" Red was playing, DH hit the roof. He stayed calm, but didn't pull ANY punches. He called Red on her bullshit, let her know it was completely unacceptable to him, ended their friendship *immediately* and told her she was no longer welcome in our home. She back pedaled and apologized profusely, but it was too late for her. He asked her to leave, waited for her to pack her stuff and drove Red to her friend's house to finish out her stay. I must say, I was SO proud of him I can't even describe it!

So, DH and UC are still going strong. She lives with us and has a calming, balancing effect on our lives. Our biggest obstacle at the moment is the fact that our King sized bed isn't big enough for 3 to sleep through the night comfortably.
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  #94  
Old 09-05-2011, 10:22 PM
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midnightsun midnightsun is offline
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LIFE GOES ON

Don't get me wrong, we still have obstacles to overcome (obviously.) But having UC in our life isn't one of them. She fits seamlessly into our life as if she's always been a part of it. The only dilemma she raises is sleeping arrangements which I will post on a main thread so that it gets it's own attention and hopefully some advice!

Thank you all for keeping up with our life and for all of your valued input, advice and empathy! This has been an amazing and "safe" place for us to reach out to the poly community for support and I am truly grateful for it!

-MS
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  #95  
Old 09-08-2011, 06:14 AM
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Wow, good to hear from you Thanks for the up date!
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  #96  
Old 09-08-2011, 07:04 AM
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midnightsun midnightsun is offline
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You're quite welcome! It's good to be heard from again. I tend to come and go in spurts, but I'd like to wander in here on a semi-regular basis now that things have stabilized for us. Hopefully you'll be hearing from me more often.
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