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Old 05-08-2009, 01:59 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

difficult work does take a lot of time. but is so worth it! To me it takes time because there is a settling period. I can almost physiologically feel the differences in my body when the proper communication hasn't happened and I don't have all the input I need. Sometimes that input is not what I want to hear, and in that case I need the time for everything to stop and just settle in my body and become normalized. With poly I find that giving every issue the respect it deserves is so important. Almost as if that issue is another person that is the black sheep or trouble maker of the group if that makes sense. When I see it this way I am able to deal with it outside my body and not be as emotional about it... all the while still loving the person regardless and without bringing the issue at hand into that love.
does that make sense?
sorry, this is a bit off topic, but then again could be useful in dealing with the BDSM issue also.
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Old 05-14-2009, 03:09 AM
marianna marianna is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 17

"breath play" is definitely edge play and really not to be done by people who don't know what their doing. So i would really do some communicating about your concerns, because you're right, it can be very dangerous. Keep in mind, even though it's scary to see and think about - this was done with her full knowledge, after negotiating with him, and consent. So as long as he's knowledgeable about the safety issues and knows how to be safe, i would say doesn't appear to be "harming" her. Remember Bdsm is about Safe Sane and Consentual (even edge play can be done safely). So even if he appears to be "hurting" there is a different between that and "harming" her.

i've been in the Bdsm lifestyle for 10 years and am very active in my local community. Please feel free to ask me questions. Also, read, do research, have a sit down with both of them and talk to them about this aspect of your relationship. As you have not consented to any of these activities, it appears he has taken pains to not "harm" you.

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Old 05-14-2009, 01:08 PM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Michigan, United States
Posts: 111

okay, well me personally, i'm thinking you should all sit down and discuss what things your interested in trying in the bdsm style and then all decide what you would like to take part in and what you would rather be elsewhere while your partners engage in said activity.

past issues taken into account, perhaps you should consider dealving into looking online for all sorts of info into various activities your partners want to engage in, do simply put your mind at ease, find pictures even if you can so you know what to expect so its not such a shock seeing it next time. also perhaps asking your #2 husband to slowly as you'd both like take steps into this, it might help you get more comfortable with things and i get the impression he isn't too into it either, so perhaps the two of you can enjoy some very mild play with your other partners enjoy something more.

as with anyhting else that makes you hesitate, baby steps, let all your partners know this is bothering you and you want reassurance to not be bothered, and more baby steps if your wanting to eventually be okay with some bdsm however light. however, if talking, thinking and trying just in baby steps is really not workign for you, then i'd suggest talkign to your partners again and asking them to do this play elsewhere or on nights when your not there if you simpyl can't move past this. some things are simply hard limits and should be respsected. keep talking, take baby steps, but if its just not for you, ask them to accomadate you somehow and accept that this type of play is not for you.

good luck
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