Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-05-2011, 09:22 PM
greenbasil greenbasil is offline
New Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 3
Default In the process of forming a triad.....so much love and fear. so many questions

I am looking for any support and most words of wisdom from folks here who have been though what Im newly experiencing with attempting to join my new (2 months in) long distance boyfriends 10 year relationship with the woman he loves and is committed to.

a bit of background info. My boyfriend and I (east coast girl) met somewhat cosmically on my roadtrip to cali.... though the aid of the internet dating site okc. neither of us expected what weve come to find to be an unstopably surge of joy, love, compatibiity and desire for continued connection and full immersion into one anothers lives.

I knew up front of his commited relationship with his girlfriend of 10 years and of his complete love for her. After our initial brief mindblowing meeting he was very clear that he has no interest in leaving her for me. And thus we began discussing possible scenarios beautiful and frightening of carving out a life togther.

We laid a plan for us all to meet in a neutral location in Colorado and before that meeting happened myself and my new bf arranged for him to come out to the east coast to spend time with me and solidify our connection. He did this and it created such a surge of powerful emotion in us both that weve been in heavy NRE fog land since parting.

many things have been laid out and discussed between us including my deepest fears. he has done his best to talk though them with me in most cases showing me how love will be a powerful tool for us to work though these fears. However....I am still so afraid of meeting her. of not liking her. and most importantly of how to negotiate the dynamics of our triad were I to move in with them or they with me.

This was one of the points that has made me pull away. Ive opted currently to detach from the situation (which has been ruling my time and sleep for the past 2 months heavily) and spend the 2 weeks untill we all meet in person to recenter and gain clarity. To reach out to others and ask for support and help understanding some of the nuts and bolts of a functioning triad.

Please feel free to reach out to me with any of your own stories. or with just tid bits of advice. to tell me I am maybe a bit too emotional for my own good and to just chill out (even if i know this already) and that it will all work out because love is truly the strongest force in the universe...and we are all here to live it.

thanks you!
Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2011, 09:52 PM
ray's Avatar
ray ray is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819

Hey there,

Welcome and all. Congrats on finding someone that you really connect with. I know it can be difficult to do. I can empathize with being nervous to meet the OSO. It's intimidating and that relationship plays a big role in the larger scheme of things. Keep in mind, though, you don't have to be her best friend in the world. Start at polite, kind and respectful. You can go from there. And please, before any of you consider moving in with the other. Move to the same town first. Live in a different house. I've heard that is a much better way to transition. In the meantime, good luck in two weeks. I'm sure that will help to give you a clearer picture of his life. Have you been in any poly relationships before? Do you identify as poly yourself?

There are plenty of nuts and bolts threads on here when you perform simple searches. So many great resources to take advantage of. Also, you may or may not have heard of it but there's a great Poly podcast that I love called Polyamory Weekly. It has a variety of topics and I found it very reassuring when I first started listening to it.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2011, 10:36 PM
greenbasil greenbasil is offline
New Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 3

Thanks for the kind and useful words Ray..... yes Im totally new to this...though Id say ive been acting as a 'single' poly for the past year. My partner and my OSO have had the perameters of an open (not poly) relationship throughout but have been mostly monogamous throughout that time as far as I understand. He would mostly define himself as being a polygamist in that he is most comfortable in monogamous scenarios.

I think I feel quite similarily.... though I am truly hopeful (and fearful) to explore the potential of this specific scenario. I also am aware that my OSO is not interested in being a secondary to my partner....and so I have to ask myself If I too would or wouldnt be content with that. Our ideal is a full partnership each with very different needs....

Id love the opportunity to step into this more slowly...it might help to temper some of the intense emotions flaring... but I think the distance of long distance is making this all just that much more intense.

Im hoping to find something that feels comfortable and will allow us to build something more solidly.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-06-2011, 12:57 AM
Wiseacre Wiseacre is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Washington State
Posts: 5

Hi, greenbasil, I'm new here, too!

My only suggestion is to make sure you spend some time with just her, even if it's just a meal or so. If you really want a triad relationship, I can't imagine it would work if the only thing you have in common is him.

I also really like the suggestion of living near but not with, at first. Be a part of their lives, see how they work on a day-to-day basis. I think that's just smart when you're looking to cohabit with someone, romance or not.

I hope you get centered and then have a fabulous time in two weeks. Best of luck!
Reply With Quote
Old 09-06-2011, 01:28 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,590

Originally Posted by greenbasil View Post
I am... attempting to join my new (2 months in) long distance boyfriend's 10 year relationship with the woman he loves and is committed to.

...full immersion into one anothers' lives.

...we began discussing possible scenarios beautiful and frightening of carving out a life together.

...I am still so afraid of meeting her. of not liking her. and most importantly of how to negotiate the dynamics of our triad were I to move in with them or they with me.

... the nuts and bolts of a functioning triad.

...I also am aware that my OSO is not interested in being a secondary to my partner....and so I have to ask myself If I too would or wouldnt be content with that. Our ideal is a full partnership each with very different needs...
Hi greenbasil, yummy name!

First of all, some terms. Your new bf's partner is not your OSO. We call partners of partners metamours. (If when you do meet her, and you both fall in love [should that happen] he and she will both be your SOs, partners, lovers, whatever.)

Second, you seem intent on a triad, but that term means you are romantically involved with both people. Since you haven't even met her yet, there is no way of knowing if you will even like each other, much less love each other, much less both be attracted to each other sexually.

Why not spend time just getting to know your new bf better? NRE can make us feel the new partner is perfect for us, but this usually takes months, if not a year, to really determine. There is no need to feel pressure to also love her as much as you love him. It is also way too soon to imagine moving in with them! You all will have lots of talking and negotiating to move to that step.

Are you ready to move to the west coast for him (even if just to get your own place near them)? Pulling up stakes, leaving job, school, friends and family, to be nearer a guy you've only met once?

Of course your bf's gf will still be his primary. Usually even if love is equal, a new partner starts out as a secondary, based on finances, living arrangements, child care, who gets to spend time with their extended family, friends, work colleagues, etc. You can gain equal primary status over time as you work out the kinks of everything, degree of love and compatibility, life styles and interests, job schedules, jealousy, fear of loss, degree of sexual involvement, time management, date nights, and so on.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Kahlo (my ex, 46)

Last edited by Magdlyn; 09-06-2011 at 10:59 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-06-2011, 03:17 AM
greenbasil greenbasil is offline
New Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 3

Omg....this has already been seriously useful..... thank you all so much for the thoughts and the sharing....and the terminology actually has helped me to set some conceptual boundaries that seem a bit more fitting for moving forward.

I especialy appreciate some of the longer term concepts of time frame in establishing this new dynamic. My bf and I are both very passionate emotional beings and there is a definite danger in feeling an overwhelming need to to sort this all out and satisfy everyone right from the getgo.... the idea of being in a secondary role while witnessing their relationship and establishing functional boundaries and roles is very appealing.

I am very open to wherever this takes me..... west coast... foreign lands... the arms of more than one lover.... friend. life confidant. but the intensity of deciding all those potential future outcomes now.... while like Magdlyn said... I shoudl just be trying to get to know my new bf better.... and let some of the NRE energey subside (btw....how the hell long will that take...ha ha ha)

Reply With Quote
Old 09-07-2011, 07:37 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

I haven't read everything but; Question, why the triad? The fact is you likely won't fall for your metamour in the same way and you don't have to. Most poly relationships are vees. Sure, the metamour bond is a huge factor in successful poly relationships but that doesn't mean sexual or partnership commitments. Why not go into this with an open mind yet remind yourself and the others that there is no pressure here. Baby steps to getting to know each other is the first step. Not everyone is feeling your shared nre. I know it feels like it, but its likely not the case... Just from experience.

I think its awesome you are taking a break. Excellent idea. Nre fucks with your head I find.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Old 09-14-2011, 03:28 AM
twotigers twotigers is offline
New Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: San Francisco Bay Area, San Jose CA
Posts: 3
Default Polybots! Transform into Triadinator!

Hello everyone,

I'm the man in the middle in these relationships.* My friends think I'm either very brave or crazy to double the potential drama of a single woman.* I tell them there is twice the support and a million times the love.* So worth the challenges along this journey.

Thank you everyone for your advice and support; we surely need you folks as guiding stars to navigate the complex currents in this relationship between the islands of our hearts.

I think triad is currently the wrong term.* We're new to poly, and both GB and I are much more educated now.* Probably V would be more accurate description of us at this point.* I was the one who brought up the subject using triad as what I ideally envisioned and wanted, mea cuelpa, my apologies for any confusion.

Let me share a bit about my partner, K.* She is currently focused on other activities and hasn't been interested in women sexually since we swung with the porn actress a while back.* She's very independent and time constrained, and extremely focused.* It great when one is the focus of her attention, and at other times, I simply accept loving her from a short distance.* On the flip side, she's incredibly open and accepting.* I asked K how she could be so calm about the momentous changes in me and I was told that "you need this" with total care and acceptance in her eyes.* K is the one who suggested I go meet GB when I was busy out destroying a demo bike from work and I recently found out that her reasoning was "You need to go fuck"...* amazing.

Unless GB and K click upon meeting, it will take time to build anything and probably be centered around mutual interests they share.* However, even knowing each other only through me, they've been astoundingly generous with each other and I think that their common loving nature will let them connect in the way that works for them, separate from their relationships with me.

I've been challenged to upgrade my ability to communicate effectively exponentially and with increased mindfulness of my partners' intent since we all embarked on this adventure.* I'm of the mindset that it's never bad to identify what one wants, to ask for it, and trust others to act for the betterment of all.* It's practical concerns that make moving too fast unwise imho.* I'm looking forward two,three years away.* At this point in time, it is simply talking and finding out about each other, our respective hopes and dreams, our situations, and our plans; spending time with each other and deepening our bonds.

Funnily, however NRE may affect the brain, the loving sentiment behind the haze is quite evident.* GB told me "I want to know your flaws so that I can love them too" ... amazing!

Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Are you ready to move to the west coast for him (even if just to get your own place near them)? Pulling up stakes, leaving job, school, friends and family, to be nearer a guy you've only met once?
That was the long term plan, eventually, even if we had never crossed paths.* Funny how little coincidences in life work out like that.

I'm one of those who dislikes heirarchal terminology as applied to my own relationships.* Primary/Secondary, whatever the label, is incompletely descrptive of relationships, unable to encompass the uniqueness of how individuals interrelate.* I would prefer an unstructured clusterfuck (nod to TP) with energy and love flowing as it may.* For those who prefer structure, my primary woud be K, with GB as a secondary per her decision until we're all comfortable with moving to a different structure, for me ideally FMF domestic triad or V, with two primaries as the needs and desires of myself and my beloveds determine.

I've asked my partner K if she can give GB a similar kind of support that she would provide me in various sticky hypothetical situations; call in the night to get picked up when car breaks down, a shoulder to cry on and ear to listen when life isn't roses and peaches, someone to share special moments that would otherwise pass one by alone, that kind of support.* K says yes.* That simple from the soul of brevity.* However the relationship develops between K and GB is their issue to work through and I'll simply support their respective choices with love, but I'd hope for a baseline mutual friendship and respect for one another and themselves, their choice.

It's so difficult to keep perspective, stay grounded, when this LDR could be, would be, so much richer.** The pressure is from inside, from the longing for what is not yet ready to be actualized.* Takes time, but you know how it is, especially with NRE mixed in; we (GB and I) want it NOW despite the reality of a continent of distance and months, maybe several years between the ideal and what is.* I wish my emotions were more under my control, but I can only choose how to act upon them; fake it until you make it.* The painful part for me was worst case scenario; one or both ladies walking away from what could be a brilliant and beautiful future.

K told me, while discussing the possibility of accepting GB's offer to host me at her home before we all meet in Denver, "if you don't go, you're stupid" and shook her head.* Tough words, but they made me reflect on the choices and ramifications of accepting GB's offer upon what I wanted.* Would going further deepen our relationship?* Would we find we no longer connected?* How would K feel about me being gone?

I ended up travelling out for a 4 day weekend that stretched to 9 days thanks to Hurricane Irene.* The time I was granted in GB's life was almost a fairy tale adventure.* She was so easy to be with.* It solidified my dreams to something I could envision, embody, embrace, and almost grasp in the palm of my hand.* I wanted a life including bothK and GB.* I know the challenges ahead will force me to grow rapidly in many areas of interpersonal relations, communication, and compassion;* I'm open to this and it's happening now.* I'm wide open and I accept what blessings will come.* How could I be otherwise when holding both their hearts in each hand?

I only hope to learn from my mistakes and earn forgiveness for the inadvertent hurt I know we will experience.* We'll find out how compatible everyone is in a week when we all meet in Denver, and work out the dynamics from there.* I'm unbearably excited; this will be my chance to show off my loves to each other.* By seeing on another through my eyes, perhaps they'll realize just how special and dear to me they are.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I think its awesome you are taking a break. Excellent idea. Nre fucks with your head I find.
NRE sucks, not just in my head, but my heart.* K say I was a basket case and when GB pulled back, I was sobbing to soak K's shirt, terrified that I'd lost GB and mourning for what could have been.* I hate the loss of self-control and self-discipline.* I want to choose my actions and own my decisions with full awareness of the consequences, not this hormonally driven impulsive rationalization.* Any space or time either ladies needs to make their choices, I can totally provide.* Easy.* When the possibilities are this great, I would go through the torments of the damned for a single spark of hope that it will all be worth it.
> TT (L)
Reply With Quote


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 06:01 AM.