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Old 09-07-2011, 07:10 PM
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JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
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Default Reuniting considerations

Hello. I've been contacted by a former partner who wants to reunite. I'm looking for some advice on things I ought to be considering as I decide whether to do this or not.

Here's the background: We met earlier this year and fell deeply in love pretty quickly. Things between he and were/are good, for the most part. He broke up with me when his wife invoked her veto power because she couldn't manage her own emotions about him loving another person. The sex part was just fine with her. He has been in polyamorous relationships before, but not with this wife. He kept saying she was handling it okay and then I got blindsided by the veto. They do not have rules/guidelines/whatever that say the primary partner must meet the potential partner before a relationship begins, but we were planning to meet when he broke it off. I think not meeting her earlier may have contributed to her issues, but I'll never know for sure.

And here are my issues: While I love him deeply, I'm feeling a bit of whiplash. We communicated a few times via email after he broke things off. He told me consistently that he thought his wife would change her mind. It took her about a month to do that. Not knowing her at all, I had no way to gauge the truth in that. So I started the grieving process and preparing to move on. I've been through most of the stages at one point or another since I tend to slide back and forth through them....

I've insisted on meeting her before we go any further. I have asked for some assurance from both of them that I won't be treated as disposable again. And that when something comes up, she'll agree to work through it rather than invoking veto immediately. And that he will remind her of that agreement if she tries. While I know that reuniting with him will be risky based on our past, I am trying to mitigate some of the risk. I'm aware that they could both lie, but I believe that most people keep their word once they've given it.

What else should I be considering? I'm drawing a blank and I'm sure there are other things.

Thanks in advance for your help!

JG
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:17 PM
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I'd ask her to permanently give up veto powers. If unwilling, I'd not get involved again.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:22 PM
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I agree with River. The idea of veto powers is really unsettling for me. A willingness to give them up would be an indication from them that they do not view you as disposable.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:28 PM
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I understand the veto and I know it can be necessary. If the OSO does something very damaging to the primary partner or to the primary relationship, the veto power is necessary. I've observed it used that way in other relationships. In 15 years, I've never seen it used because the primary partner can't handle their emotions before now, though.

So I will clarify that I am asking for the veto power to be used only in the event that I commit some egregious act, not in the event that she finds she can't handle it emotionally.

Thank you for helping me clarify that.

JG
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JuliaGay View Post
So I will clarify that I am asking for the veto power to be used only in the event that I commit some egregious act, not in the event that she finds she can't handle it emotionally.
What if the other woman commits some egregious act? Do you get to veto her for such an offense? Or is this power hers alone?
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Old 09-07-2011, 10:13 PM
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No, I will not have veto over her. She is married to my partner and I understand that she has a higher priority in that sense. If she does something egregious, I will have the option of working it out with her or leaving my relationship with him. That risk I am willing to take. Being treated as disposable, I'm not.

I'm already saying that I won't be treated as disposable and that is a deal breaker for me. I'm really wanting to know what other things I should be considering....

Thanks.
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Old 09-08-2011, 12:35 AM
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I can understand feeling whiplashed. And, were I in your place, I would be a bit pissed at the notion that I could simply resume a relationship as if there was an on-off switch, after being tossed aside so easily. That being said, I have had experiences in the past of getting back with old boyfriends and it working out okay, so I'm not of the mind that you can never go back again. The important thing, I think, is not to assume that you are all still the same people you were, even if it's only been a few months that have passed. And, as far as what to ask for this go-round, I think it would behoove you to ask that the status and shape of your relationship with this man be determined by the two of you only. That issues between him and his wife be worked out among the two of them, but that you and he decide what to do about issues in your relationship. I would try to develop at least a friendly relationship with her, and be sure to express that your needs and emotions shouldn't be taken for granted ever again.

And perhaps I would ask for a "probation" period to see if it will work out. I know that sounds odd, but I would be afraid to give my heart again if there was still a chance it could be jerked around like that again. So I think if you set a time period, like a month or two, where you can check in and revisit whether or not things are going well, for everyone, AND that if his wife leans toward vetoing again, that there be discussion first (no blind-siding) and it can't get vetoed until that time period is reached. Of course, she would have to agree to that as well, but it might give you all a sense of security. Make sense?
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Old 09-08-2011, 01:11 AM
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Thanks, nycindie.

The probation idea sounds like a good one. I'll have to think about how I'd want to present that. And what it means to me, so I can communicate it effectively.

I am pissed, although I, too, want to reunite. The bond we developed is quite strong and I believe our connection is worth it. I just want to feel respected and as though I have some emotional safety. I know all relationships are risky, but this one has already proven to be so....

I know probably I'm nuts, but I'm in love even with all that has happened. I want to make it work, if we can. I'm waiting for him to respond to my request (? not really a request since it's a deal breaker, but I'm not sure what other word to use).

JG
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....
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
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Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
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  #9  
Old 09-08-2011, 01:22 AM
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i like cindies idea of a probation period of sorts.... its a great idea.
reality though sometimes rears its ugly head. i dont know you well enough yet julia, to know if you can compartmentalize your feelings like that. I myself have the benefit of being able to redirect feelings back toward my primary (gemzi13), and allow things to develop slowly toward a love interest, or even quell a large portion of heartache... i dont know... its kind of weird. however some people cant, gemzi has this challenge, her heart is all in before you know it, that just how she is. (very very loving)

it seems you are already exercising my first piece of advice.... which would be:
1st.: use your mind and your heart at the same time. the mind tends to be smarter, but the heart is so much louder.

b.: i think a sit down with his primary is in order as you mentioned, for a talk. the problem i foresee is that she was involved in the initial heartache. she was not alone. and the question arises.... did his primary see a trend in him that scared her, did he handle nre in such a way that did not make her feel like a third wheel, unwanted, or like she was losing him?

number 3: whiplash hurts for a long time, be sure to pick up a neck brace at the pharmacy.

i wish you the best of luck with this, as always try to keep and open mind and heart, but let the mind do the talking, and be as objective as possible. never know what a sit down discussion will reveal if all parties are open and honest, tempered with compassion.

schtuff
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Old 09-08-2011, 01:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JuliaGay View Post
I've insisted on meeting her before we go any further. I have asked for some assurance from both of them that I won't be treated as disposable again. And that when something comes up, she'll agree to work through it rather than invoking veto immediately. And that he will remind her of that agreement if she tries.
I forgot to say in my earlier post that I think it's great you've already asked him for these considerations. You really come across as a strong, balanced woman with her head on straight and it's very appealing.

Oh, and I just went back to read your Intro thread. I assume this is the same man you spoke of there. You said you came here for support because you were still getting over that relationship ending... and now there's a turnabout! In that thread, you wrote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by JuliaGay View Post
I believe that most of the problem was that he didn't know how to temper his NRE and that drove her nuts.
I do think meeting with her will help this time around. Maybe you can even say you want it to be friends-only for a little while. I hope it works out for you!
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-08-2011 at 01:44 AM.
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