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  #21  
Old 08-25-2011, 07:54 PM
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polandrylady polandrylady is offline
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Default OH sorry

I was just commenting on the original post. It never occurred to me to quote it for that reason. My bad.
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  #22  
Old 08-26-2011, 01:44 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polandrylady View Post
I was just commenting on the original post. It never occurred to me to quote it for that reason. My bad.
i belong to several forums and it is not common practice to quote the OP
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  #23  
Old 08-26-2011, 02:33 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
i belong to several forums and it is not common practice to quote the OP
Maybe so, but quoting or at least mentioning the username of the person you're responding to is often helpful. This is just a long thread with lots of wordy posts, LOL, so I wasn't sure if the response about there being "lots of words" was to the OP or the last couple of posters, or what. BTW, I belong to lots of online communities, too, and have been a moderator as well, and every board has its own variables.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-26-2011 at 02:35 AM.
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  #24  
Old 08-28-2011, 06:31 AM
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DrunkenPorcupine DrunkenPorcupine is offline
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I take the opposite opinion than the original poster.

I am highly individual centric and selfish. I remove the negative connotation from that word; some people struggle with it.

So let's say "motivated by rational self-interest" instead.

I do not own anybody. That seems like slavery and I've found that many people who reject the idea that they can own somebody grip quite tightly to the "my girlfriend" or "my wife" thing. Some believe that a relationship REQUIRES people fall into the mutual-ownership thing. I find that destructive.

Now, I'm not saying that regard to other partners is a bad thing. I believe the assumption that one MUST is destructive, but regard that level of respect as a positive.

My current partner has three partners other than myself, with varying levels of sexual, emotional and financial commitment with each of them an myself. She and I share probably the closest EMOTIONAL bond of all of her partners, but probably the weakest sexually. To me, she is the sexiest most arousing woman I've ever met and she knows (and appreciates) this. But the sexual attraction she has toward me is far more intimate than arousing. We make love, but when she wants to fuck, she prefers one of two other partners. This disconnect isn't really a problem to me (I am quite satisfied with our relationship) but it does exist.

So, she often communicates with me far more than I need to feel comfortable. Her communication doesn't make me UNCOMFORTABLE, just the opposite. The fact that she WILLINGLY puts my thoughts and feelings into the forefront of ALL of her relationships makes me feel amazed. Do I own her? Nope, and I don't expect her to EVER ask my PERMISSION to do anything. But sometimes she does, because she knows it affects me. It's far more genuine to me than if she felt she "had to" engage in that level of communication.

We can pick any partners that we want, and we don't need permission from each other. One of my boundaries when my ex-wife and I first opened our relationship was that we do NOT pick each other's partners. While I've evaluated and eliminated some of my boundaries over time, that one will always be there. It's at the very core of the individual values that I have. I would be offended and QUICKLY break off any relationship where someone felt I needed their permission in order to pursue my own happiness.

With that is also the understanding that our actions have very SERIOUS impacts on not just one but a CHAIN of people. Were I, or any of my partners, willing to disregard that impact by making a destructive emotional, sexual or financial decision, it would not break "my rules", it would change the very perception I have of them. Even of the point of me needing to end that relationship. With all of that in mind, my partners have all been respectful, thoughtful, considerate and in general...

Worthy of being my partner.
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  #25  
Old 08-30-2011, 06:25 PM
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polandrylady polandrylady is offline
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Talking Giggles

Now I am going to go about and looking for that person that starts using "my girlfirend" "my wife" "my boyfriend" excessively.... It reminds me of the time someone pointed out that most women will pick a booth at a coffee shop to feel safe, and men just sit around a circular table. I look for it more often too.


Quote:
Originally Posted by DrunkenPorcupine View Post
I take the opposite opinion than the original poster.

I am highly individual centric and selfish. I remove the negative connotation from that word; some people struggle with it.

So let's say "motivated by rational self-interest" instead.

I do not own anybody. That seems like slavery and I've found that many people who reject the idea that they can own somebody grip quite tightly to the "my girlfriend" or "my wife" thing. Some believe that a relationship REQUIRES people fall into the mutual-ownership thing. I find that destructive.

Now, I'm not saying that regard to other partners is a bad thing. I believe the assumption that one MUST is destructive, but regard that level of respect as a positive.

My current partner has three partners other than myself, with varying levels of sexual, emotional and financial commitment with each of them an myself. She and I share probably the closest EMOTIONAL bond of all of her partners, but probably the weakest sexually. To me, she is the sexiest most arousing woman I've ever met and she knows (and appreciates) this. But the sexual attraction she has toward me is far more intimate than arousing. We make love, but when she wants to fuck, she prefers one of two other partners. This disconnect isn't really a problem to me (I am quite satisfied with our relationship) but it does exist.

So, she often communicates with me far more than I need to feel comfortable. Her communication doesn't make me UNCOMFORTABLE, just the opposite. The fact that she WILLINGLY puts my thoughts and feelings into the forefront of ALL of her relationships makes me feel amazed. Do I own her? Nope, and I don't expect her to EVER ask my PERMISSION to do anything. But sometimes she does, because she knows it affects me. It's far more genuine to me than if she felt she "had to" engage in that level of communication.

We can pick any partners that we want, and we don't need permission from each other. One of my boundaries when my ex-wife and I first opened our relationship was that we do NOT pick each other's partners. While I've evaluated and eliminated some of my boundaries over time, that one will always be there. It's at the very core of the individual values that I have. I would be offended and QUICKLY break off any relationship where someone felt I needed their permission in order to pursue my own happiness.

With that is also the understanding that our actions have very SERIOUS impacts on not just one but a CHAIN of people. Were I, or any of my partners, willing to disregard that impact by making a destructive emotional, sexual or financial decision, it would not break "my rules", it would change the very perception I have of them. Even of the point of me needing to end that relationship. With all of that in mind, my partners have all been respectful, thoughtful, considerate and in general...

Worthy of being my partner.
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because when everyone's needs are met, it's not much different and twice as happy
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  #26  
Old 09-06-2011, 11:49 PM
travislang travislang is offline
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Default i aggree

i myself am poly, my wife is mono by nature, and yes she is seeing someone, but has a hard time with me doing the same for years now, but it is by my complete honesty, and that she is now ok with me with others. mind you now it took me several years of telling her everything, and also not continueing a relationship if they chose not to talk to her as far as there wishes go. she sees that as a respect thing and i fully agree, personally i dont see it is neccary for to tell me everything, or the other to as well, i only want know if they are pursuing a relationship, and if it goes as far as intamacy i want them both to come talk to me first.

i have had several, but didnt get past first meeting do to non respect on there part. not sure why but no one ever wants to talk to my wife to let her know of there wishes. we not asking to be friends just on a talking level. to respect each other.

so yes for it to work at all you must communicate, talk to all ionvolved, and be honest. otherwise you might as well be with one partner and cheat on them.
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