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Old 09-04-2011, 05:49 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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Default What is that middle ground?

I just read a post a few minutes ago about someone "living monogamously" to put it, because they could see it was what their partner needed, even though it wasn't their ideal situation.

This for obvious reasons, I would think, made me think of the pressures even someone poly could bring for a mono.

I'm in one of these situations personally. I'm poly and have been all my life. Fully understood who I was and "came out" just less than a year ago. I've been in a realtionship with a mono [Cherry] for a few months now too. Cherry is a strict mono [but bisexual]. I can see [and she has told me many times] that she only wants me. It has hurt both her and me when I came out to her about my poly self. To the point where I've questioned both just going through with a mono relationship, to ending it completely.

As far, I still don't know what my answer is.

My questions as, what is that middle ground? Is there one at all? Does it have to be one side or the other? If there is... How do you find the middle ground with your partner?
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Old 09-04-2011, 09:04 PM
Sikau Sikau is offline
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I'm afraid I don't have any good answer for you, as I'm in the same position you are in. But I figured I'd at least let you know you're not alone. For now, I'm just taking things day by day. I'm eager to see what perspective and advice others may give on this topic.
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Old 09-04-2011, 09:55 PM
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Somegeezer,

Two thoughts occur to me in reading your post. First (and this thought is a question), is Cherry unhappy with your being polyamorous? Is she accepting of your polyamorous nature?

Second (Hey, another question!), is she aware that people can start out in life mono and change over time to poly? (Not that she should have to do so, or that she needs to change. Rather, is she aware that people change in this way sometimes? [I did, for example]).
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Old 09-05-2011, 02:11 AM
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Basically, it requires both partners to be able to identify that they only control themselves, not the other partner. If one is 'highly' monogamous ( spouse shouldnt even think about another partner. Add in highly religious, fidelity of the mind, body, and spirit.) and the other is 'highly' polyamorous ( Wants to love everyone, and doesn't believe in any type of rating, or withholding.) It will be tough to find middle ground.
If either of these types needs the other partner to be absolutely alike, then there will be trouble ahead.

My husband has a 'take it or leave it' attitude about any non-monogamy. He has fun, but he wouldn`t ever go out of his way, to attract others. He would be happily monogamous.
I am just on the other side of that. I like being non-monogamous, prefer it, and seek it. However if I needed to be ( I have in the past.) monogamous, I can do it. I don`t 'need' more then him, I just 'like' more then one.

So,even though we are on slightly different sides of the same scale, we can give and take with each other pretty easily.

The further away each of you are from the mid-point, the harder it will be.
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Old 09-05-2011, 02:41 AM
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Wise words from Sourgirl.

The other thing to consider is that it's ok (as painful as at may be) to admit that you are not compatible with someone in the role that you currently hold. And the truth is, that if you aren't, you should let go and save yourself more misery. You may very well be able to find common ground but if it's just like slogging through mud all the time, for a long time. It may be something that just won't work. I think we know deep down inside when that happens. Whether or not we can admit it.
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Old 09-06-2011, 02:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
Somegeezer,

Two thoughts occur to me in reading your post. First (and this thought is a question), is Cherry unhappy with your being polyamorous? Is she accepting of your polyamorous nature?

Second (Hey, another question!), is she aware that people can start out in life mono and change over time to poly? (Not that she should have to do so, or that she needs to change. Rather, is she aware that people change in this way sometimes? [I did, for example]).
I think she certainly isn't happy with it. It's a whole new way of thinking for her and it scares her. Usual thoughts of "why am I not enough?" and "what if you leave me for someone else?". The kinds of questions I can and have answered, still leaving her not trusting the concept.

She's been made aware by me at least that you can be mono and suddenly find poly inside yourself. I think she either hasn't found it, or doesn't have it. I don't want to push it on her, but I don't want to be pushed by her either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Basically, it requires both partners to be able to identify that they only control themselves, not the other partner. If one is 'highly' monogamous ( spouse shouldnt even think about another partner. Add in highly religious, fidelity of the mind, body, and spirit.) and the other is 'highly' polyamorous ( Wants to love everyone, and doesn't believe in any type of rating, or withholding.) It will be tough to find middle ground.
If either of these types needs the other partner to be absolutely alike, then there will be trouble ahead.

My husband has a 'take it or leave it' attitude about any non-monogamy. He has fun, but he wouldn`t ever go out of his way, to attract others. He would be happily monogamous.
I am just on the other side of that. I like being non-monogamous, prefer it, and seek it. However if I needed to be ( I have in the past.) monogamous, I can do it. I don`t 'need' more then him, I just 'like' more then one.

So,even though we are on slightly different sides of the same scale, we can give and take with each other pretty easily.

The further away each of you are from the mid-point, the harder it will be.
I think me and Cherry are those opposite ends and it has been hard to find any middle ground. Even something along the lines of "you do it your way and I'll do it mine" I would consider a middle ground. A point which you both just accept and agree to what is happening. It just doesn't seem to work that way for her.

I don't need others either. I can have just close, loving friendships. I think even that is a step too high for Cherry. Nevertheless, that is not a place I'm willing to come back from. I've always been loving of my closest friends, even before I knew poly was a part of my life. =]

Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
Wise words from Sourgirl.

The other thing to consider is that it's ok (as painful as at may be) to admit that you are not compatible with someone in the role that you currently hold. And the truth is, that if you aren't, you should let go and save yourself more misery. You may very well be able to find common ground but if it's just like slogging through mud all the time, for a long time. It may be something that just won't work. I think we know deep down inside when that happens. Whether or not we can admit it.
I think we are compatible in many ways. Everyone is different after all. But I think if we really can't be together, in time, it will end itself.

I have no idea what kind of timescales other people work on. How long it would take for Cherry to actually accept that part of me. Right this second, it's not a problem for me. I'm happy and comfortable with her. I'm not feeling a need for any specific other person in my life. But I have mentioned to her many times, that when that does come; when I meet someone else, it will feel like it is being thrown at you. The sooner she comes to terms with it, the more comfortable she will be when it happens.



Has anyone here actually been in these situations and have any advice as to what they did to make it work? =]
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Old 09-06-2011, 02:33 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Yes lots of people on here are in mono/poly relationships and make it work. You have been on this forum for what, like a year now, and you haven't read ANYTHING about it on here? I have seen you participating in lots of discussions here and on facebook and find it hard to believe that you haven't seen anyone who has been in a similar situation.

I hate to be ageist, but when i see you use expressions such as "my whole life i've been this way and just came out", i can't help chuckling. So you knew you were poly since you were a fetus? That's grooovy. But at your age, you still have a lot of experiencing to do and trying to wrap a ribbon around this particular relationship seems a bit hasty don't you think? I remember when i was your age i wanted to classify things in a way that made sense that i could build on, only to discover that you can't just do that because the rest of the world is off doing its own thing and i was learning and changing at the same time as everybody else. You don't think the same way or want the same things at age 38 as you did at age 28 and age 18. If you're really compatible with another person, neither of you should have to "find" common ground, you should already have lots of it. It is a young-person thing to try to make the world fit with your expectations instead of looking at the things you can't change and fitting your expectations around that. If you think ypu have a wonderful relationship then enjoy the wonderfulness of it but dont think you can turn a chicken into a duvk just by getting it a little wet.

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Old 09-06-2011, 03:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Yes lots of people on here are in mono/poly relationships and make it work. You have been on this forum for what, like a year now, and you haven't read ANYTHING about it on here? I have seen you participating in lots of discussions here and on facebook and find it hard to believe that you haven't seen anyone who has been in a similar situation.

I hate to be ageist, but when i see you use expressions such as "my whole life i've been this way and just came out", i can't help chuckling. So you knew you were poly since you were a fetus? That's grooovy. But at your age, you still have a lot of experiencing to do and trying to wrap a ribbon around this particular relationship seems a bit hasty don't you think? I remember when i was your age i wanted to classify things in a way that made sense that i could build on, only to discover that you can't just do that because the rest of the world is off doing its own thing and i was learning and changing at the same time as everybody else. You don't think the same way or want the same things at age 38 as you did at age 28 and age 18. If you're really compatible with another person, neither of you should have to "find" common ground, you should already have lots of it. It is a young-person thing to try to make the world fit with your expectations instead of looking at the things you can't change and fitting your expectations around that. If you think ypu have a wonderful relationship then enjoy the wonderfulness of it but dont think you can turn a chicken into a duvk just by getting it a little wet.
What would we do without your heavy hitting sarcasm NK? =P
Of course I have read a lot about it. I just haven't found a lot of help with it. If you hate to be ageist, don't be. I also never mentioned knowing I was poly all my life. If anything, I was, but NEVER knew until recently.

I agree, we shouldn't have to find "common ground". I know what our common ground is. What I'm asking is how do you and a partner who is strict mono work in a way that make you both comfortable? Presumably, so that mono is being mono and poly is being poly, without either being unhappy about any of that. I don't want to change anyone.

You don't need to look down at me for being 19. I'm as human as you. Never mind wanting different things from life at 38 compared to 28. Decisions you make can change your view in a second. If yesterday had turned out differently, I would be living today differently than I am now. But just because life changes, doesn't mean I'll be unhappy with my decisions. =]
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Old 09-06-2011, 07:33 PM
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Somegeezer,

If Cherry is quite unhappy with your being polyamorous, that certainly adds to the challenges you will have to face together. She may not be able to handle that in the long run, and may herself run when you find yourself involved with another. Meanwhile, just shower her with love and kindness and tenderness and affection, if that's what you're feeling toward her. If she really, really knows she's cared for she may feel secure enough about the two of you to stick with you even if you are poly (or find another some day).
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Old 09-06-2011, 10:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
Somegeezer,

If Cherry is quite unhappy with your being polyamorous, that certainly adds to the challenges you will have to face together. She may not be able to handle that in the long run, and may herself run when you find yourself involved with another. Meanwhile, just shower her with love and kindness and tenderness and affection, if that's what you're feeling toward her. If she really, really knows she's cared for she may feel secure enough about the two of you to stick with you even if you are poly (or find another some day).
I do everything to make those I love, feel loved. =]

I really would love to hear what other people have been through with a mono, or being a mono with a poly partner. This thread isn't just for me here. =]
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