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Old 09-06-2011, 06:19 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478
Default going from a V to an N -- do I have to??

We were finally getting our MFM V settled -- my husband had worked through a lot of jealousy, we had established and agreed upon good boundaries, the NRE had calmed down, the men were comfortable with their friendship with one another. I was in my glory, really.

But then Sundance struck up a relationship with a BarbieDoll look-alike, and now things are really sketchy.

He feels it's not fair for me to say, "I expect you to share me with another man, but I cannot share you with another woman."

Well, how did I know I couldn't do this??? I am NOT handling it well!!! I thought I could but I'm a bit of a basket case.

He says if I want him to end it, he will. But, of course, I will then be expected to end my relationship with Butch. Is THAT "fair"???

He says he's not in love with her. She however, tells him she loves him. I guess I had thought if he started a relationship with someone, we'd be introduced, we'd be like "sister wives," it would add to the love in our family. Instead, it's gone quite differently. I haven't met her, and they've been seeing each other for months now. She buys him little presents and texts him and calls him all the time. He leaves us home to go meet with her. She is not adding to the our family -- she is taking away from it! Well -- not entirely true: she also buys things for our KIDS. But she is not on our team. I believe she'd love nothing better than to wrangle my husband right into her arms. Even though he's told her he loves me and he won't get divorced, I think she believes he's staying for the sake of the kids, and that it won't hold up to her seductive wiles. (He has told her we don't sleep together, since I started seeing my boyfriend. Which is completely untrue! She probably thinks I'm some kind of cold fish.)

Trust is such a big thing in poly, I'm sure we'd all on this forum agree. I don't trust this girl. I'm trying hard to trust my husband -- but seeing him lie to her isn't helping things! If things don't change, I'm going to have to do something. Up til now I thought my only option was to break things off with Butch. But that won't stop my heart. I've tried that before; it never worked.

I've been questioning what is the right thing to do. I don't want to be a hypocrite. One thing I feel might be fair enough is to say, "If you love this girl, keep seeing her. I will work towards offering you the same respect and understanding you have so graciously given me. If you do not, I would like you to stop."

Would that be shitty of me???

I know there are many views on here about casual sex. But for me, that's not what poly is about. It's about love. Respect and honesty and being authentic.

I'm not sure if I'm being an idealist, a hypocrite, a prude, or a selfish overreactive crybaby, but in any case I guess I'm prepared for the blasting. I ask that you be gentle on me, please.
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Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
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