How/when to bring up an interest in poly?

[wannabe]

Yes, fair enough NY it does seem a little odd, let me try to explain.

Rob and Matt are more interested in me...I have pretty much no interest in being sexual with them, for the moment anyway.

However as they have been in my life for a while now, it wouldn't feel right to simply cut them off cold. Hypothetically, if i did sleep with them i suspect it would not change my feelings for GC...but im really not that interested.

So why would i even consider it? Well because I think its important to maintain relationships in general, and also because in my experience causal lovers have stuck around longer and been less painful than relationships. I do realise its somewhat of an avoidant pattern and am trying to take the leap with GC to get out of this pattern. Its hard and a bit scary...

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by wannabe

Rob and Matt are more interested in me...I have pretty much no interest in being sexual with them, for the moment anyway.

However as they have been in my life for a while now, it wouldn't feel right to simply cut them off cold.

Hmm. Well, logically, if you don't want to have sex with someone - you don't. Nothing confusing there. It doesn't mean they have to be cut out of your life coldly. You can still maintain friendships with them. I think that part is pretty simple. All relationships change with time and I think that anyone involved in casual, primarily sexual relationships are aware that their partners may find people to get serious with and that they should be prepared for the idea that a sex partner entering into something more committed emotionally with someone else would naturally change things.

As far as GC goes, yes, I think it's important to be upfront and honest with him sooner rather than later. "Hey GC, you know, I'm really enjoying what we have and I'm not pursuing any other relationships, but I wanted to talk to you about the possibility of leaving that option open. How do you feel about that?" Also fairly simple. I come from the "say it directly" (but with compassion) school of thought on things like this. I would think that, emphasizing that it is a long-distance relationship would help in explaining the practicality of keeping your options open.

[wannabe]

Originally Posted by opalescent

What TR said...

And is GC under the impression that you are seeing only him? Have you explicitly, in words which were said aloud, agreed to be monogamous with him? If so, you need to address that as soon as possible.

Is that why you think GC would be hurt that you have other lovers? Or other reasons?

Finally, do your other involvements know about GC? If they don't, it would be a courtesy to tell them, especially if the relationship with GC evolves into something serious. I'm juggling a marriage and two lovers and have found it very helpful that everyone knows about everyone else.

Yes, to be clear, GC would have an expectation on monogamy. As noted by TR, although it has not been explicitly stated by either party its somewhat of an accepted norm. Until poly is more widely known anyway

I do agree that I **should** be telling everyone everything. Note that GC is very long distance, Rob is in a different county and Matt lives a few hours away, I'm dithering because there no practical impetus to tell and sort it out. Again no excuse, I know what I should do here.

GC: is very far away, its very new and has likely never heard of poly. For the moment I'm not seeing or sleeping with Rob or Matt. Would telling him complicate or clarify?

Rob and Matt: Matt knows I've met someone special but I have not indicted that this means I want to be exclusive with new guy. Rob is in a theoretically mono-marriage (clearly he isn't), I dont ask him about his relationship with his wife. Telling Rob/Matt that I'm in a relationship is likely to signal to them that I no longer want to see them. Maybe I'm just not ready to finalise that decision yet.

FYI There can be several months between the times I see either Rob or Matt, even up to half a year.

Rob and Matt don't know about each other, I doubt either would be particularly bothered about it. Its simply never occurred to me to tell either about the other. Funny that...

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by wannabe

GC: is very far away, its very new and has likely never heard of poly. For the moment I'm not seeing or sleeping with Rob or Matt. Would telling him complicate or clarify?

I very rarely, if ever, use the words "polyamory" or "polyamorous." It's just too confusing for too many people. Most everyone understands talking about exclusivity, though. I just tell people, "I'm not looking for exclusivity," or "I'm not comfortable with exclusivity right now," and use that as a springboard for discussion.

If he asks if you have anyone in mind, tell the truth: "There are two guys I've been involved with in the past, who are still in my life, and although I don't desire getting involved with them again right now, I don't really want to cut off any possibility for the future, if it feels right."

[opalescent]

Originally Posted by nycindie

"There are two guys I've been involved with in the past, who are still in my life, and although I don't desire getting involved with them again right now, I don't really want to cut off any possibility for the future, if it feels right."

Seriously, just cut and past NYCindie's entire message. Good language there.

Rant ahead!

I have to take issue with this agreeing to date=we are now a monogamous couple IF NO ONE SAYS SO OUT LOUD. Pardon the shouting but this really tweaks me. Not you, specifically, Wannabe, but this ridiculous convention in general. If there are no actual words in a discussion, there is no actual agreement - just assumptions that can be interpreted any which way by the people involved. People interpret silence however they want. And this leads to miscommunication, sometimes lying, and pain and hurt all around. This convention needs to die and, Wannabe, I hope you take a stab at its heart.

Rant over.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by opalescent

Rant ahead!

I have to take issue with this agreeing to date=we are now a monogamous couple IF NO ONE SAYS SO OUT LOUD. Pardon the shouting but this really tweaks me. Not you, specifically, Wannabe, but this ridiculous convention in general.

Yeah, actually it's usually the other way around. How many times have we heard, "But we never said we were monogamous, right?" This is the stuff sitcoms are made of! Remember when Carrie discovered Mr. Big on a date? She had no reason to assume he was only seeing her. I think it's more common that, unless you agree to exclusivity, it is not automatically assumed!