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  #61  
Old 09-04-2011, 03:09 PM
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River River is offline
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Originally Posted by Somegeezer View Post
I'm hetero too, but I'm not sure if I'm biamorous. Which is probably a good sign I'm not.
It may not be such a sign at all. It might, rather, be that your social conditioning in masculinity is solidly in place. We guys were taught not to cuddle and not to want to cuddle with one another, to compete with one another rather than to share intimacy and tender affection.

I can't say how it is for you. But I can say it is worth experimenting with, testing out. That means deliberately exploring kinds and degrees and levels of (non-sexual) intimacy with one or more guys. And this probably means sharing with this guy (or these guys) what you are exploring and why -- and inviting them to explore with you. (Show them this post, if you like.)

As for the gals already having someone? So what? Have courage. Take risks. Life is either a bold adventure or nothing. People jump out of airplanes with parachutes, they ride whitewater rapids in kayaks, they bungee jump. I think you can ask for some extended hugs with some friends without much risk to life or limb.

As I see it, it is important, even crucial, to push lightly yet firmly against the walls of my comfort zones. It makes my life bigger, and that's all the reason needed. You know you're growing and learning -- and alive! -- when you're testing new waters. Tell this to your potential cuddle buddies. Hell, print this whole post out and show it to 'em. I dare you.
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Last edited by River; 09-04-2011 at 03:18 PM.
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  #62  
Old 09-04-2011, 07:15 PM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
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Default Terminology: biamorous or biaffectionate ??

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Rather amazingly, I got to share some cuddle time with my "straight" friend, Russell, yesterday evening! (I put "straight" in quotes, because he said this morning that he doesn't
consider himself straight... or gay, or bi. He's heterosexual but also biamorous. He loves to be loved by -- and love -- men, including cuddles. He has no interest in sex with men.)
I have been wondering about the word 'biamorous' - I love the idea it stands for, and claim the concept as another aspect of myself.

[pedantry]

But, for me the -amorous ending in polyamorous does imply either sex, or a romantic relationship that is tending that way -- the kind of relationship I like to have with women and not with men.

Whereas, I use -affectionate to mean loving cuddly relationships that are never going to include sex. I like having them with men as well as women, which I'd call biaffectionate.

So I'd say I am polyaffectionate (liking cuddles with lots of people) and biaffectionate (with both/all genders)

I appreciate I am just quibbling over terminology here,and I am sorry to anyone who finds this boring. But if I said I was polyamorous (open to having concurrent sexual relationships with women) and biamorous (open to nonsexual cuddly relationships with both genders) the two meanings do not seem to fit the one ending.

[/pedantry]
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  #63  
Old 09-04-2011, 07:45 PM
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But, for me the -amorous ending in polyamorous does imply either sex, or a romantic relationship that is tending that way....
This is partly true, for sure -- at least in the most common usages. However, there are a few exceptions, such as poly folk who self describe as asexaul. And there are also what are called "romantic friendships" which are passionate, sensual ... but not sexual in the general sense.

One thing we can be sure of in this world is variety and differences.

The term "biamorous" was invented mostly to distinguish the bisexual folks who do not engage in (or have interest in) romantic relationships with persons from one or more of the sexes from those who desire (or engage in) romantic relations with either sex. Many bi men, for example, only engage in sex with other men, while not getting much involved emotionally, etc. Sex is for these people a sort of recreational activity somewhat removed from loving relationship.
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  #64  
Old 09-04-2011, 07:51 PM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
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The term "biamorous" was invented mostly to distinguish the bisexual folks who do not engage in (or have interest in) romantic relationships with persons from one or more of the sexes from those who desire (or engage in) romantic relations with either sex.
Thanks for clarifying: I misunderstood the concept and biamorous does not apply to me, but biaffectionate certainly does.

As you say, we live in a wonderfully complex world...
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  #65  
Old 09-23-2012, 05:36 AM
SkylerSquirrel SkylerSquirrel is offline
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Add me to the list of cuddlers. I love platonic cuddling - with good friends only though. And I too have no one to do it with
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  #66  
Old 09-29-2012, 08:54 PM
Stonecrow Stonecrow is offline
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Very interesting discussion. I, too, have had experiences in the past with spontaneous puppy piles. I am wiccan, and we had a group who was particularly cuddly and after ritual we would all sit on the floor, and eventually lean against each other and snuggle, do back rubs, etc. While it was sensual it was never overtly sexual, all were respectful and loving. I miss that.

I was recently to a friend's birthday party and near the end she asked if she could sit on my lap. She is just the sweetest person, and she cuddled against me, resting her head on my chest. She said she wished she could just fall asleep snuggled between me and my partner, K. I so wanted to do just that, nothing sexual, just loving. (She just turned 26, and I'm 53; I have a daughter older than her!!) The problem would have been K's partner, (who was gone) would not have been okay with that.

So two days ago, my friend and I were traveling to see some other friends, and she told me she was kind of sad...she'd been to a large gathering where everyone was very open and loving and physically affectionate, and she was missing and longing for that openness of affection, and I'd been feeling the same way after her birthday. We held hands for the rest of the drive, and snuggled a bit at the friends' house (they are also very open and affectionate) and it was wonderful. I realized how much I miss this! I know K is fine with it, and would be open to the same himself. He just got back home from a week away with his partner D, so once life has settled a little (they're unpacked and rested from their trip) I want to open this discussion. I really want more of this in my life!

I am sure that D would be fine with me holding someone's hand and a little semi-public cuddling. But D is also not very trusting of me (she thinks I want to have sex with everybody (I don't, I just love sexual banter), and she also gets very jealous if other people are affectionate with K) so if I, K and C had had a sleepover she'd have had a big problem with it. (It would have been against our agreed upon rules to have done that without checking with her anyway, which is why it wasn't an option.) We are at this point a polyfedelitous V with K at the point and me and D as metamours. We are still trying to work around D's needs, she is pretty much monogamous and really struggling, even though we've been in this configuration for over 3 years. There have been some recent changes that have helped...D has been spending about half her time at her daughter's home helping with the granddaughters, then is here around half the time; i.e., she's partially moved out, and seems a bit more relaxed.

So, as someone who is likely closer to the end of my lifespan than the beginning, I really don't want to miss out on things that are important to me. (I really think that should be true whatever age you are!) I realize this might create some discomfort, but I need to be true to myself and honest.

So somehow this whole cuddle thing has turned into a branch of how we are in poly, even though this sort of cuddle was completely not a problem in my previous monogamous relationships.

In some ways, I think polyamory when translated directly to 'many loves' really does describe me. My heart opened so much to C, she is just such a sweet and loving spirit, and I do love her on some level more than just a friendship, and it has to do with what River was talking about, moving your energy to your heart, though it has never been sexual for me with C, it's such a deep, lovely, open feeling, almost like a new kind of love. <3
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  #67  
Old 09-30-2012, 01:54 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I don't think I would feel comfortable cuddling with someone I was not sexual with. And there are different levels of cuddling, in my mind anyway, now that I think of it.

I've had a few casual hookups, and we did cuddle for a bit after sex but it wasn't really affectionate if that makes sense. Just the continuation of touch from the sex.

Then there are the cuddles I get from my lovers which make me feel whole. I was also a NICU baby and spent three months in an incubator and perhaps that also created the intense need for touch that I have. Being held by H or L just makes me feel safe and the whole world recedes for me. I feel at peace in their arms.

I love to be touched by men I am close with. I hug my friends hello and goodbye but we don't go any further than that and I don't think it would work for me. But with my lovers, it's just perfect.
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  #68  
Old 10-01-2012, 04:16 PM
StrayKitten StrayKitten is offline
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I am a *total* cuddle-slut. It's actually rather difficult for me to have friends who aren't the "kinesthetic, touchy-feely" type, because I *love* being in constant touch with my friends. Granted, those are people who know me better than anyone, but.... Yeah, SUPER cuddly type here
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affection, biaffectionate, cuddles, friendship, hugs, nonsexual affection, polyaffectionate, touch, touching, trust

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