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  #21  
Old 09-03-2011, 09:09 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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I prefer to look at it from a scientific view. There is a lot of new research out there. The article MT referenced is one of many that show evidence of the negative effects porn has on men and their relationships. If something affects my marriage negatively, yes, I am concerned.

Up till now I think porn has been more of a religious/moral issue -- but now that there are actual scientific studies being done, I think it deserves our attention.

Many men seem to think it is harmless, and that "all guys do it." True River, I think you're truly a stand-up guy. Maybe most human beings are tempted, but that doesn't mean they all succumb. People engage in all kinds of activities that may become habitual/addictive. At least it's worth looking into, to educate ourselves about the dangers.
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  #22  
Old 09-03-2011, 09:19 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I think people are possibly missing something important here. Cheesehead, I sensed from your original post here that you are angry about your wife wanting you to accept poly and you are looking at it as "Well, now anything goes!" You started another thread to discuss how you feel your wife is moving too fast (though all she's done is talk and read about poly as a possibility). Now, in this thread, you paint a picture of unfairness. You want people here to think she's being unreasonable.
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Originally Posted by Cheesehead100 View Post
I'm supposed to approve of her being with another guy, but she's going to veto me jerking off to internet porno???
You feel like she's asked you to make this huge sacrifice and it's unfair for you not to be able to look at porn. However, to me, it looks like some or your motivation behind wanting to look at porn, and even starting this thread, seems to be anger or hurt feelings about her wanting poly.

I sense that you are still incredibly hurt about her wanting another relationship and, perhaps somewhat unconsciously, you want to do something you know she would find hurtful to "get her back." You will feel justified in being hurt if everyone here agrees with you about the porn. She mentioned in your other thread how she came back from your honeymoon with an illness, how that limited/prevented sex, and how you retreated sexually because of it for several months. It seems your natural inclination leans toward pulling back when hurt and then retaliating passively, instead of addressing things directly. I think the hurt you're feeling is where you need to look, and you and Mrs. C. need to keep talking about the deeper feelings underneath the actions. Whether porn is healthy or not, right or wrong, isn't really the issue here, as I see it.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-04-2011 at 07:00 AM.
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  #23  
Old 09-03-2011, 09:23 PM
jotajuntoajota jotajuntoajota is offline
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im new to poly but i belive we all have a right to enjoy and express our sexuality in and way we see fit.if its porn or any other way its our life our bodies and yes, it is important to keep this in mind when we have a partner in life there sexuality and how they view it is there right as well...but there has to be and open mind when talking about such things and not be judgemental not everyone will enjoy the same thing u do so i guees thats when talking and having a open talk can benifit both partys ...this is what i think and belive anyway ..
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  #24  
Old 09-03-2011, 10:21 PM
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I appreciate and respect what the other River here, "TrueRiver," had to say on this matter. The porn I've seen (and I've seen a fair bit, to confess) does in fact tend to contribute to objectification of persons as sexual objects, which I take to be a serious problem. Most porn does this by emphasizing sexual activity outside of fuller and rounder loving human relationships. I agree with TrueRiver that very explicit erotic film could be made and enjoyed without having this effect. It's not viewing the sexual act itself that can lead to problems. It is the way sex is treated as apart from relationship in the broad sense.
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  #25  
Old 09-03-2011, 10:23 PM
CheesyLady CheesyLady is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It seems your natural inclination leans toward pulling back when hurt and then retaliating passively, instead of addressing things directly. I think the hurt you're feeling is where you need to look, and you and Mrs. C. need to keep talking about the deeper feelings underneath the actions. Whether porn is healthy or not, right or wrong, isn't really the issue here, as I see it.
Holy smokes, didn't think this would be such a hot topic. I see how there's both sides about this subject and how we have to decide how open our style of this would be.

No, not trying to be self centered or controlling while I go do whatever I want.

I think I agree with River quite a bit on his view about this. For me, looking at stuff on the internet is very one sided, and there's no extra caring or loving being put in from another person for all of us to benefit from. If we look at it from the self-loving perspective, then maybe there is. I guess it depends on how you go about it. In Mr. C's case, I don't think addiction is something to be concerned about.

Cindie, I think you really nailed what was going through my mind also. I'm not sure we've really found the root cause to some of our problems so it feels like we keep coming across the same problems in different contexts. And like someone mentioned in our other thread, talking about poly brings all of that to the surface.
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  #26  
Old 09-03-2011, 10:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CheesyLady View Post
I think I agree with River quite a bit on his view about this.
Uh-oh! Now that we have two Rivers on board we're starting to get confused. The guy who goes by River as his login name is ... well me. The other one is trueRiver, who calls himself River. I was here first, which makes me first River. bla bla bla....
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  #27  
Old 09-03-2011, 10:31 PM
CheesyLady CheesyLady is offline
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Sorry, I was talking about what trueRiver had posted earlier in the thread. I had like three quotes but then only one showed up. I'll figure it out eventually!
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  #28  
Old 09-03-2011, 11:08 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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I can't find the post I wrote earlier, maybe I didn't send it right(?) If I'm repeating myself, sorry....

Porn can cause intimacy problems in a marriage. (At least that's what the latest research is finding).

Could those intimacy problems lead to the desire to explore new relationships?
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  #29  
Old 09-03-2011, 11:28 PM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
I can't find the post I wrote earlier, maybe I didn't send it right(?) If I'm repeating myself, sorry....

Porn can cause intimacy problems in a marriage. (At least that's what the latest research is finding).

Could those intimacy problems lead to the desire to explore new relationships?
This is something I've wondered myself, so I'm trying to conduct an experiment: lay off the naughty websites and see how or if my feelings change. Like high-fat, sugary foods, the naughty websites can be hard to let go (forgive the pun), but I think the exercise in self-knowledge is worth it.

One thing that I've found right away is that my fantasies (daydreams, whatever you want to call them) have become even more romantic than they were before, and they weren't all that sexual to start with. That may just be me--a sample size of one is too small for any reasonable inferences. At any rate, my need/desire to love others has not gone away, but it's early days yet.

If I understand the situation in this thread correctly, CheesyLady is not herself a viewer of internet porn, yet she most definitely identifies as poly, so there's another potential data point ("the plural of 'anecdote' is not 'data,' the plural of 'anecdote' is not 'data' ...").

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  #30  
Old 09-04-2011, 12:43 AM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Okay, okay, let's not get too excited about the "science" about the damage that porn causes. I would like to pointed to these studies. It seems like preliminary research at best, relying heavily on case studies. We have to be careful when we interpret prelim research like this that we don't take the idea farther than the study recommends. That's not being scientific.

There have also been other studies elsewhere that find that porn is harmless--or not only that, that there is no evidence it causes sexism, and that it may even reduce sexual violence. Here's an article in Scientific American you can check out which references several recent porn-related studies.

Let's be careful not to make generalizations like "porn damages marriages". Mainstream psychology generally views infidelity as damaging to marriages too, and here we all are, proving that wrong.

Cheesy Lady, I guess I have a question for you. You say "For me, looking at stuff on the internet is very one sided, and there's no extra caring or loving being put in from another person for all of us to benefit from." What do you mean by that? Do you expect to benefit directly from Mr. Cheesehead's private sexual life? Do you think he is entitled to his own private sexual life, or should it all be for you?
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