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Old 09-03-2011, 07:37 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
The title or role is really just for my benefit. The need to know where I belong and how to handle everything. I know it seems silly and I am working on that. My husband and I will never be done trying to make our marriage work for the best. It will always be a work in progress that's for sure.
It's not silly at all. Some people, and I'm certainly one of them, have to have a framework - labels, titles, - in order to make sense of what's going in my world. I find labels helpful. I keep in mind that while labels represent reality, they aren't real themselves but rather a useful shorthand to think about things. They also won't tell you 'how to handle everything'.

It's possible that you and your husband may be better suited to be less or differently involved with each other, however, defined. Your respective OSOs may be better primary relationships for each of you.

However, I caution you about going down this path in one respect. Make sure it's done out of love - for yourself, for your husband, and your OSOs - rather than out of fear or exhaustion. Being with your husband is probably harder than with your OSO - he may also find this to be true with his OSO and you. Working through problems is tiring and frustrating. It might seem easier and solve many problems if you and he changed the nature of your relationship - and this might well be the case. But be cautious and conscious about the intent behind making that change - out of love and joy or out of fear and exhaustion. (And I'm sure you have both - but which predominates is the question.)
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communication, hierarchy, primary, primary/secondary, secondary

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