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  #11  
Old 09-03-2011, 02:31 PM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
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Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
Yeah, though the more pressing reason to object to it is that, unless it's a cartoon, they use real kids to, you know, make it.
Absolutely, so.

My analogy does not depend on that, I was using it as an example of how it is possible to control our thoughts indirectly by controlling our reading / surfing material, and about how when it is seen as a moral issue it becomes important to the people around us, and reasonable for them to seek changes.
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  #12  
Old 09-03-2011, 02:50 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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I'd still say that by changing your activities, you can redirect or train your thoughts, but you are still never able to control them. But that's just all semantics. I get what you're saying. What we are both saying is that you can control your actions (whether to watch porn or not, for example).

I am just very wary of focusing too much on policing what your partner is thinking (and that includes expecting them to go to great lengths to attempt to control or retrain their own thoughts). It seems a fruitless, and possibly cruel, exercise, and one that doesn't seem sustainable for a good 50 years of partnership--if that's what you're aiming for.

The very concept that your partner has different thoughts from yours, and unexpected ones, is hopefully the most delightful thing about them.

Both me and my husband have changed our minds about things in our years together in a slow, lovely process of respectfully discussing things and listening to each other, and then thinking about what the other said. That's the way thought processes should evolve: with lots of room to roam about the head without shame.

I realize this is a slight thread derail by now, because our original issue is: is porn cool or not? But I hope this is at least related.
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  #13  
Old 09-03-2011, 05:02 PM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Originally Posted by Cheesehead100 View Post
What's the polyamory perspective on internet porn? I think it's fun. My wife thinks it's not cool because there's no love involved. Before poly came up, I could understand her issue about porn - because I should be thinking about her and her alone. Now it doesn't seem so clear.
"Thinking about her and her alone" is, IMHO, ridiculous, but there are other reasons to be leery about internet porn, namely, the ease with which it can become addictive and can mess with your dopamine sensitivity, the same way any other addiction can. See, for example, Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction Is a Growing Problem, as well as the lengthy comment thread thereon. Men as young as in their twenties are starting to have ED problems when they are not in front of the computer!

I wouldn't call myself a prude, but I think the author of that article has some very good points to make, in a cautionary way. Far from a moralist, he encourages men to wean themselves from internet porn and have real sex with real women instead.

If nothing else, you'll avoid the "looks like Popeye on one side" problem.
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  #14  
Old 09-03-2011, 05:16 PM
Cheesehead100 Cheesehead100 is offline
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nycindie, good point that there's no hard rules about it in polyamory. I guess we're trying to form our own rules/boundaries and ran into this minor sticking point.

River, my wife never said outright that my all thoughts should all be of her. That was my interpretation of her responses. Perhaps I should not have made that statement. She did make statements like "why do you need to look at that stuff? You have some [lingerie] photos of me." Maybe she just wanted to understand my point of view.

I have to admit that my previous understanding was that she didn't like it, but wasn't going to tell me not to do it. It turns out that she really did not want me looking at porn at all. Truth be told, I have been looked at porn when she's gone or not in the mood, which is kind of cheating since she didn't want me to do it. The good news is that the mis-understanding is cleared up. But this seems pretty unfair to me... I'm supposed to approve of her being with another guy, but she's going to veto me jerking off to internet porno??? I think her words were "poly is about consensual relationships and I don't consent to you looking at internet porn".

I hope I'm not making her out to be a controlling witch - she's actually quite the opposite. It's just a difference of opinion that needs to get sorted out.
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  #15  
Old 09-03-2011, 05:18 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I wish people would chill out about teh pr0n. If you don't like it don't look at it. It's over-rated anyway.
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  #16  
Old 09-03-2011, 05:23 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Okay, maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but this deal just doesn't seem reasonable. From your other thread, it looks like you are struggling to accept her wish to date another man. Can't you at least look at pictures of naked ladies on the internet?

If you are not categorically veto-ing her other relationship, she should at least make a good-faith effort to not veto your solo sexual activities, which I think you should be able to practice as you see fit.

I don't want to be seem as too hard line about this, but... can't we be considerate of each other's sexual needs here? Must we shut our partners down like this?
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  #17  
Old 09-03-2011, 05:51 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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She wants to be the focus of ALL your sexual activities, including the solo ones, yet she is allowed to have something on the side. WOW talk about self centered.
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  #18  
Old 09-03-2011, 08:24 PM
Cheesehead100 Cheesehead100 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
She wants to be the focus of ALL your sexual activities, including the solo ones, yet she is allowed to have something on the side. WOW talk about self centered.
I don't think this has anything to do with being self-centered. Actually I'm offended by your statement. Her initial reaction to this conversation was WAY better than my initial reaction to her request to see another guy. We just have to sort out our positions on this stuff given the new lifestyle / viewpoint. As with anything new, there's going to be a learning process and some growing pains.
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  #19  
Old 09-03-2011, 08:26 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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But... how is porn use "new"? Like, are you saying that you could look at porn before, but now you can't because you're poly?
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  #20  
Old 09-03-2011, 08:56 PM
Cheesehead100 Cheesehead100 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
But... how is porn use "new"? Like, are you saying that you could look at porn before, but now you can't because you're poly?
She has never wanted me to look at porn. Before I took that to mean that she prefer I don't do it. Since we've been talking about this stuff in more detail, she's clarified that she doesn't consent at all and therefore it isn't "consensual sex".

So what's new... our improved openness and understanding of the others opinions.
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