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Old 06-09-2011, 05:13 AM
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Gecko Gecko is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Some questions cannot be unasked.
Dude that statement has big implications...just quietly sitting at the end of your post there.
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:49 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I think I would start with "I love you to pieces and have been thinking and wondering...."
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Old 06-09-2011, 09:22 AM
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stargazer23 stargazer23 is offline
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Location: South of the Mason-Dixon
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Yeah...I think you need to start respecting your own orientation and not place yourself in relationships that you know are impossible for you to maintain in the first place.

I'm not criticizing: I'm at the tail-end of going through this myself. I knew deep-down when I married my soon-to-be ex the following:
1. Even though it was only supposed to be a "marriage on paper," he would eventually take liberties, grow possessive and twist it into something more traditional.
2. It was unrealistic after my awakening to expect myself to go back to sleep and somehow will the truth away...un-shoot the gun, so-to-speak. I would eventually recognize surfacing needs and be stiffed and miserable or have no choice but to cheat and/or leave. It would become a bone of contention if I didn't fight for myself or end it then.

I chose unwisely.

You have entered a situation where you are now asking a mono to give up his sexual orientation so you can meet yours. You knew what your limitations were and still agreed to the current terms of the relationship with the mono. You need to be prepared to respect his limitations and either suck it up and go hungry or leave before the bitterness poisons you both.

I wish you the best. This is tricky.

Lots of love and strength...
"Although the most acute judges of the witches and even the witches themselves, were convinced of the guilt of witchery, the guilt nevertheless was non-existent. It is thus with all guilt."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

How can you claim to love someone with all your heart if you can't stand to let them love with all of theirs?
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Old 09-01-2011, 08:01 PM
wannabe wannabe is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 9
Default How/when to bring up an interest in poly?

Hello all,

I've been interested, but never active, in poly relationships. Lets just say, there isn't really any scene for that where I'm living. Also I've never been involved in a very long term relationship, maybe 2 years is the longest I've done and I've been happy with one person for that short time. So I guess I could be mono, but I doubt it. I firmly believe we are not meant for long term monogamy.

Two months ago I started a long distance relationship with a guy I met in Feb this year. The distance is annoying but otherwise its fantastic, NRE abounds.

Here's my dilemma: He is all I am interested at the moment and likely for some time to come. I'm not looking, I'm very happy now and am pretty sure he has never even heard of polyamory.

I feel this person is someone I could have a long future with and feel that I need to say something to him about my interest in poly at some point. Otherwise its 'false advertising' ...or something. I would like to be open but its very early days and in no way would I want him to feel that I was unsatisfied.

Am I obliged to disclose that I'm a 'theoretical' poly, or that I might eventually be interested in having a sexual relationship with someone else?
If so, when?

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Especially since I'm not even sure that if he insisted on mono that it would be a dealbreaker for me.

thanks for listening!

Ms W
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Old 09-01-2011, 08:43 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 194

Make sure he's listening to Dan Savage's podcast. With all the non-monogamy stuff Dan's talking about these days, once you bring up the idea of not being exclusive, it won't seem so emotionally charged or out of left field.

Worked for us. Seriously.
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Old 09-01-2011, 08:55 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,171

Well, if I was in your gentleman caller's shoes, I would like to know if poly was a possibility for you, even if you have not acted on it. As the relationship is quite new, I don't know if you need to bring it up immediately. However, as things evolve and get more serious (if they do), it should be put on the table.

P.S. Geeked out I got to use 'gentleman caller' in a post!
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Old 09-01-2011, 08:56 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Heh. Gentleman caller. LOLZ FOREVER.
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Old 09-02-2011, 10:54 AM
Freedom Freedom is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 10

Yeah i think listening/watching some stuff on dan savage could be good. Or just buy the book Sex At Dawn and reading it in front of him. (this worked for me with my girlfriend). It could go a few ways though. He could be totally uninterested and not notice the hints. He could get the hints and be repulsed and leave or he could get it and start asking you questions. Then maybe he will go through a transition period where he has to deal with the new realities of your relationship. If this happens I would guess he will stay around and you will go through a negotiation period. I this happens you are on to a winner.
In my limited experience with my girlfriend, she had to go through a kind or mourning process while leaving our mono relationship before she came around to the idea. this can be unpleasant but at least you are doing the right thing. if he cant deal with the realities of life, i guess its just his problem
good luck!
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Old 09-03-2011, 08:18 AM
wannabe wannabe is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 9
Default thanks!

Yes, I think a steady diet of Dan might be a good idea...now i just need to wrestle my copy of Sex at Dawn back off the friend who has had it for months!

As a sideline to my main question, I wondered about how to deal with my lovers:
Before I met Gentleman Caller (hilarious AND apt), I had two casual, occasional lovers for over a year, lets call them Matt and Rob. Rob is married and lives in a different country. With Matt it was kind of a friendly NSA set up, with Rob it is a mentor type relationship with some great sex thrown in. Matt is a little bit younger and tends to blow hot-and-cold a lot, gets close for a while, looses interest (perhaps persuing someone else) then gets back in touch. I accepted it cause it worked for me and Matt is very honest.

Since things got serious with GC both Rob and Matt are more interested. They have both been important to me and I don't want to simply drop them, I could probably continue a sexual relationship with them and it would not affect how I feel about GC. But that would not be fair to GC, would hurt him if he found out, would not be honest and I don't want to go there.

However I'm reluctant to 'come clean' about GC because some decades of experience tell me that arrangements like I have with Rob and Matt are more stable in the long term than the big love relationship.

Basically, I feel really great about GC but I fear putting all my eggs in one basket (pardon the pun!)
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Old 09-03-2011, 10:43 AM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Manchester, England & Tain, Scotland
Posts: 85

hi wannabe

In this situation, I would want to mention that poly might be important in the future. The earlier you mention it, the easier.

And if he puts an ultimatum to you: mono or nothing, the sooner you face that ultimatum the better for the future.

And if he leaves you totally, feeling you are dodgy for ever even thinking of such a thing, then that is part of who you are, and the sooner you know the better.

But none of that is why I would tell (even though all of that is true).

For me I would say so as soon as possible so that I do not have the feeling that I am keeping something back. I do not want a relationship where I have a secret, as secrets kept over time tend to feel like guilty secrets. In short, I would tell her (it would be a lady caller for me) I would tell her as soon as possible, for my benefit, not mainly for hers.

Just my take on it.

There are two Rivers here now: which one is this?

quaker poly experiences and poly: a quaker perspective

I hope other British Quakers who are poly (or wonder if they are) will contact me here, thanks, Friends.
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