Beginning with disaster. Is all lost?

[BrigidsDaughter]

Originally Posted by troubles

I know what I want. But I don't know if what I want is fair. I know what my husband says he wants right now, which is different than what he said before. My earlier post was posted out of frustration, not out of truth. This whole thing WAS wonderful, wonderful. And somehow I messed it up and need to make repairs.

Has he told you specifically how you messed it up? Or did he just get uncomfortable and put the breaks on. I know that it is possible to make a mistake, but you aren't the only one responsible for keeping things on track. Don't let anyone make you feel (yourself included) that you messed it up all by your self.

[troubles]

Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter

Has he told you specifically how you messed it up?

I went farther with my friend's man than he wanted. I thought he said that it was ok to do with them what it was ok for him to do with her, but I was mistaken.

Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter

Don't let anyone make you feel (yourself included) that you messed it up all by your self.

Thanks. It's me, mostly. He said he was part of opening this can of worms.

[SourGirl]

This is the tough stuff, that is for sure. This is where you have to know your spouse really well. Know if it is strictly fear talking, or if they truly are not going to have their mind changed.

My husband once told me to dump someone. He had had enough of seeing me pulled around by someone. I agreed. As the relationship wasn`t going anywhere. It was still my decision, he just said it first.

Another time he was scared, had a loopy moment, and told me to end it with someone. I said ..no.
I told him we could talk about things, and had many, many options as far as space and comfort levels, but the one thing that was not a option, was for him ending/dictating a relationship of mine.

Moral of the story, if you act like you have to ask permission for things, don`t be surprised when you get shot down. There is a difference between compromise, and communicating abilities and choices, versus acting like you need permission from a spouse.

There are two ways to act like a teen-age kid with 'dating'. #1 -Begging and pleading complete with pouting and waiting. #2 - Hissy fits and temper tantrums, complete with emotional withdrawl and punishment.

Its really its own art-form, the people who learn to walk the line of holding their own convictions, yet being compassionate with their spouses fears and needs.

Good Luck.

[troubles]

Originally Posted by SourGirl

Moral of the story, if you act like you have to ask permission for things, don`t be surprised when you get shot down. There is a difference between compromise, and communicating abilities and choices, versus acting like you need permission from a spouse.

There are two ways to act like a teen-age kid with 'dating'. #1 -Begging and pleading complete with pouting and waiting. #2 - Hissy fits and temper tantrums, complete with emotional withdrawl and punishment.

Its really its own art-form, the people who learn to walk the line of holding their own convictions, yet being compassionate with their spouses fears and needs.

Good Luck.

I think I'm just going to not bring it up for a while (like another week or so), and then tip my toe back into the discussion. He has said that he feels I'm "obsessed", but what I really am is excited.

I DO feel like I need permission to have this relationship, as my husband and I did not get together as polyamorous people. No? I also feel like preemptive conversation is probably a good thing. And I can't and won't lie. Ever. Especially to him. We have honesty, and we're working on getting trust back.

[Zenferno]

Originally Posted by troubles

I think I'm just going to not bring it up for a while (like another week or so), and then tip my toe back into the discussion. He has said that he feels I'm "obsessed", but what I really am is excited.

I DO feel like I need permission to have this relationship, as my husband and I did not get together as polyamorous people. No? I also feel like preemptive conversation is probably a good thing. And I can't and won't lie. Ever. Especially to him. We have honesty, and we're working on getting trust back.

I'm new to all this (first post and all) but if you didn't lie than how was his trust violated?

[troubles]

Originally Posted by Zenferno

I'm new to all this (first post and all) but if you didn't lie than how was his trust violated?

He trusted me to not do anything he didn't want me to and/or to understand his wishes better.

[Zenferno]

That's the same as you not trusting him for not more clearly defining his boundaries. I think its unreasonable to lose trust without deceit.

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by troubles

He trusted me to not do anything he didn't want me to and/or to understand his wishes better.

Gotta agree with Zen. You didn't break his trust if it was truly just a misunderstanding on your part, and, wait, did you just say above that the issue is that the things he did with the other woman he did NOT want you to do with the other man? Um, double standard much?

He has the right to tell you how he feels and say "honey, I'm less comfortable with this than I thought I would be, could we please stop or slow down". He does not have the right to make you feel guilty for not being psychic and for not realizing he had intended for an unfair double standard to be in effect.

[troubles]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

wait, did you just say above that the issue is that the things he did with the other woman he did NOT want you to do with the other man? Um, double standard much?

He didn't want me to go farther with the other man than he did with the other women. Sorry if that was unclear.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

He has the right to tell you how he feels and say "honey, I'm less comfortable with this than I thought I would be, could we please stop or slow down". He does not have the right to make you feel guilty for not being psychic and for not realizing he had intended for an unfair double standard to be in effect.

I felt guilty on my own. He did say the first thing. I can't shake the guilt, because it does seem selfish to me in some regards.

[trueRiver]

Originally Posted by troubles

I know what I want. But I don't know if what I want is fair. I know what my husband says he wants right now, which is different than what he said before. My earlier post was posted out of frustration, not out of truth. This whole thing WAS wonderful, wonderful. And somehow I messed it up and need to make repairs.

hi troubles

There is never anything unfair about wanting anything. What you want is neither fair nor unfair. What your husband wants is neither fair nor unfair.

Fairness comes in when you try to get what you want. There are fair and unfair ways of resolving a conflict in a relationship.

Second, you did not mess up; nor did he. He tried something new, and was surprised by his own reaction to it. He now knows he is mono, you now know you are poly and want that part of you to find expression.

Not your fault, nor his neither.

It is not about repairing something that went wrong, but about how the two of you, as a committed couple, deal with these two sets of conflicting self-knowledge.

You found it wonderful. He found it the reverse (what word does he use for his experience? Use his word when talking about him: and use your word when talking about you).

That is a big challenge for both of you. To meet this challenge fairly, in a way that is fair to both of you, you both need to step away from things like guilt, messed up-ness, self-blame.

I have not given you any answers: what I hope I have done is point out that some questions are going to be more helpful than others.