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  #301  
Old 07-19-2011, 01:29 AM
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Seasnail Seasnail is offline
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Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
But then again, he didn't ask why there were 2 dads and one mom when our friends visited. I don't think he's really aware or really cares to know. I'm sure he'll ask when he's ready.
It occurs to me that there's nothing new about a family that has three or four parents... Lots of families split up, find new partners, and continue being a family because of the children these days. They work together and continue to be friends, and from the outside or the child's perspective, it may look EXACTLY like a poly situation. And in most respects, it IS the same. Just not the sex, which is really none of the children's business anyway.
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  #302  
Old 07-19-2011, 05:07 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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I wouldn't go into too much information. Maybe just relate that you and your partner care for each other very much and let the child ask any questions.

As for their father, you may have to watch out if he may try to use that to get the kids. From what I have seen, it was a bigger concern in the 90's and less so over time.

I am very out. (I even wrote an article for my local paper on polyamory.) I find that for the most part, people are more confused about it than judgmental. I have even had people get defensive over their choice to be monogamous even though I saw poly is not for everyone.
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  #303  
Old 07-19-2011, 10:42 PM
ClariceK ClariceK is offline
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Originally Posted by Seasnail View Post
It occurs to me that there's nothing new about a family that has three or four parents... Lots of families split up, find new partners, and continue being a family because of the children these days. They work together and continue to be friends, and from the outside or the child's perspective, it may look EXACTLY like a poly situation. And in most respects, it IS the same. Just not the sex, which is really none of the children's business anyway.
I absolutely agree. Kids shouldn't know about the sex anyway. SluttyUnicorn has a daughter and an ex who takes the LittleGIrl (LG) for visits. LG has been raised somewhat poly in that her mom has had multiple partners before and it is not unusual for the LG to se her mom in bed with numerous people. Because of this, LG pretty much immediately began crawling in bed with us in the mornings.

At first she would only crawl in bed if it was SU and I, after DaJoshy went to work (he works 3AM-9Am and then again in the afternoon) and would wake her mom up if he was in the bed. We sleep with him in the middle, and the LG crawls on the opposite side of her mom, which she just naturally did. Thee have now been mornings where her mom is not in the bed in the morning because of the car or work schedule situation, so she has crawled into the bed with just me, but even then she stays on the other side of the bed and doesn't yet cuddle with me.

She doesn't really ever ask why we all sleep together. SU ex knows the situation completely, including that LG sees us in bed, which helps a LOT, but then again, the fact that SU was honest with him about her preferred living situation, it wasn't a shock to him that she was in this relationship.

LG seems to love climbing in bed when DaJoshy is in the bed now because her favorite thing to do is wrestle with him (which is also his FAVORIEST THING to do as well) and I have made the three of them breakfast in bed, which LG absolutely thought was THE GREATEST thing in the world!! To her the whole being in the same bed thing is like a big sleepover all the time. Everyone always has clothes on before anyone sleeps when she is in the house.

It has often worked out that SU and DJ would go into the bedroom while LG is still dong her "bedtime routine" which includes watching a movie in her room. She isnt asleep, but she is isnt up with us either. There is a chance she could get up and come into the bedroom, so DJ and SU would both have gone without sex if it was just them. Because my sex drive isnt as strong or frequent as theirs is, I have no problem being on the computer doing school work or other stuff while they give each other what they both need. I join in when I want to, and in my own way.

We have had a laughable moment or two in all this. The other say we were talking about her mommy being a unicorn, LG said "I want to be a Unicorn!!!!" and we all laughed and DJ told her that was a decision she had to make when she got older LOL

There was also the time in the car over the weekend when we sent her mom in to grab something from the food store and LG said "Go get my mom, get him (pointing at someone in the parking lot) get everyone in here now" I jokingly said "Yes, Joshy would love that wouldnt he" LOL. We laugh about these things that would never have happened if we hadnt made the choices we made.
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  #304  
Old 08-15-2011, 03:07 AM
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Our daughter is 15, we had no choice as she saw the change in the way dad was treating B and wanted to know straight up why I would "allow" dad to flirt with my friend. We've been trying to explain it and get her to read some information but mostly she sees the following connections..
1. dad/mom "belong" to each other
2. B is supposed to be mom's friend
3. mom is obviously hurt/confused/upset
4. dad is obviously confused/upset

and basically her response is just anger! So I don't know how you would ever keep it from any child, but a teen... nope not if the metamour is a family friend. I don't know ??

One thing though, explaining to her how loving someone doesn't mean "owning" them and all that that entails has been very helpful for my own journey the last few weeks!
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  #305  
Old 08-15-2011, 12:34 PM
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I agree, my teenage daughter was horrified too.

I was at a poly group meeting on Sunday and a couple who live with his girlfriend and her teenage daughter as well as their own daughter, described themselves as a poly family, yet supposedly the kids had no idea about the physical/romantic connections. It was bizarre to me

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  #306  
Old 08-15-2011, 03:15 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
I agree, my teenage daughter was horrified too.

I was at a poly group meeting on Sunday and a couple who live with his girlfriend and her teenage daughter as well as their own daughter, described themselves as a poly family, yet supposedly the kids had no idea about the physical/romantic connections. It was bizarre to me

i
My guess is the kids know. Kids are smart and they pick up on that stuff much more than adults realize. They probably know, but either don't want to talk about it, or don't care.
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  #307  
Old 08-15-2011, 05:09 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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My 14-year old daughter and I watch "Sister Wives" together, and she started begging me for my husband (her step-dad) to get us a sister wife! We joke around about it a lot. What she doesn't know is that there is a "brother husband" already behind the scenes, ha!!! Who she knows and adores -- he is a former neighbor and friend of the family -- but she has no idea there is anything going on between us. My men don't want to be outed, at all. Already my mom, sister, and two 20-something daughters know. But we've all agreed to remain closeted in our community.

Now, my husband has a new girlfriend. She texts him all the time and I just know the kids are going to figure this out any day now! They're not stupid. If she ever comes around, my kids will KNOW. Dad just does not have female friends casually stopping by, EVER. And this girl is no churchmouse! I haven't met her yet myself, but I've seen pictures and she looks like Bombshell Barbie!!!

Yesterday my two teenage girls found some body scrub (the gf bought it for him/gave him a foot massage the other day) in his car, and I am surprised they didn't ask me, "MOM, WHAT IS THIS DOING IN STEPDADDY'S CAR???" The were oblivious, just wanted to know, "Hey, can we use some of this?" O-Kay, girls!

The 14-year old loves the Sister Wife concept, however I'm sure the 16-year old would be completely horrified! Not to mention our 11-year old son, who is already learning all about how everyone is only allowed ONE love. Every time we say a girl is cute, he says, "So what. I have a GIRLFRIEND." I would never want him to think his dad (or mom) is a god-forsaken CHEATER. Ugh, yeah, conventional society is really doing a number on my kids.
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  #308  
Old 08-16-2011, 06:11 AM
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Question; what of the other end of this... too much information? What is enough and what is too much? I heard of a situation where a woman had four casual sex partners in one weekend while her teen daughters were in hearing and seeing distance. Is this too much? Where is the line drawn between not saying a word and spilling it all?
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Last edited by redpepper; 09-01-2011 at 06:04 AM.
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  #309  
Old 08-16-2011, 08:01 AM
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I don't really think anyone much wants intimate details unless there is a special understanding betweens partners. I prefer to be honest with grown up and teenage kids because I think it is damaging to the relationship with them if you preach one thing and then go and do another. I wouldn't do anything that I would be ashamed to share with them. On the other hand I don't ram anything down their throats. My girls don't approve of polyamory and it has probably come between us somewhat but I would rather have that than be living a lie. This is after all who I am and I would want them to be honest with me about their lives even if they make choices I don't necessarily agree with.
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  #310  
Old 09-01-2011, 12:01 AM
calypsoblu calypsoblu is offline
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I am in a MFM triad. We have been a triad for over a year now. We have two adult kids (they came w me, they are my children from a previous marriage), one whom is 20 and married and living on her own, another a son,18, whom has recently moved back into our family home due to finding out the world is alot harder than he thought on his own...

Our daughter seems to be pretty ok with our triad, she asks me all the time how "daddy" and "dad" are doing when we have conversations..etc. To avoid confusion, "daddy" is the step father whom she has known since she was 8... "dad" is my significant other, who also happens to be both of my kids "God-Father" and has known both of the kids since birth.

It is the boy that seems to have more issue with our triad. Before he moved out he knew about our triad and never said one thing about it.. he moved out at 18, and then has had to move back home due to finding out the world is not as he thought it would be. Since being back in the family home he and I have had some heated discussions about the triad. On numerous occassions he has said that "ppl he hangs with" dont agree with our triad... so that tells me he has apparently talked to his peers about it.. I recognise that he seems to have an issue with this triad, but bottom line, I feel it is best to be honest about it than to lie to him and damage our relationship due to lies. Currently our relationship is a little strained, but I would rather have that than live a lie.

Most recently he has become very disrespectful of myself and SO... and has become very opinionated and disrespectful of our relationship.. to the point I want so badly to tell him that my relationships are frankly none of his business and that as long as he lives in my house, he will maintain a respectful attitude and mannerism toward those living in this house... what would you do in this situation? How would you handle it?
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