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  #281  
Old 08-16-2011, 08:01 AM
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I don't really think anyone much wants intimate details unless there is a special understanding betweens partners. I prefer to be honest with grown up and teenage kids because I think it is damaging to the relationship with them if you preach one thing and then go and do another. I wouldn't do anything that I would be ashamed to share with them. On the other hand I don't ram anything down their throats. My girls don't approve of polyamory and it has probably come between us somewhat but I would rather have that than be living a lie. This is after all who I am and I would want them to be honest with me about their lives even if they make choices I don't necessarily agree with.
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  #282  
Old 09-01-2011, 12:01 AM
calypsoblu calypsoblu is offline
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I am in a MFM triad. We have been a triad for over a year now. We have two adult kids (they came w me, they are my children from a previous marriage), one whom is 20 and married and living on her own, another a son,18, whom has recently moved back into our family home due to finding out the world is alot harder than he thought on his own...

Our daughter seems to be pretty ok with our triad, she asks me all the time how "daddy" and "dad" are doing when we have conversations..etc. To avoid confusion, "daddy" is the step father whom she has known since she was 8... "dad" is my significant other, who also happens to be both of my kids "God-Father" and has known both of the kids since birth.

It is the boy that seems to have more issue with our triad. Before he moved out he knew about our triad and never said one thing about it.. he moved out at 18, and then has had to move back home due to finding out the world is not as he thought it would be. Since being back in the family home he and I have had some heated discussions about the triad. On numerous occassions he has said that "ppl he hangs with" dont agree with our triad... so that tells me he has apparently talked to his peers about it.. I recognise that he seems to have an issue with this triad, but bottom line, I feel it is best to be honest about it than to lie to him and damage our relationship due to lies. Currently our relationship is a little strained, but I would rather have that than live a lie.

Most recently he has become very disrespectful of myself and SO... and has become very opinionated and disrespectful of our relationship.. to the point I want so badly to tell him that my relationships are frankly none of his business and that as long as he lives in my house, he will maintain a respectful attitude and mannerism toward those living in this house... what would you do in this situation? How would you handle it?
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  #283  
Old 09-01-2011, 12:08 AM
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he moved out at 18, and then has had to move back home due to finding out the world is not as he thought it would be. Since being back in the family home he and I have had some heated discussions about the triad. . . . Most recently he has become very disrespectful of myself and SO... and has become very opinionated and disrespectful of our relationship.. to the point I want so badly to tell him that my relationships are frankly none of his business and that as long as he lives in my house, he will maintain a respectful attitude and mannerism toward those living in this house... what would you do in this situation? How would you handle it?
Wait a minute - your son moved out, found the world a tough place, was graciously invited to move back home by you... AND has the audacity to talk shit to you about how you live your life? He'd be out on his ass in a heartbeat if he were my son and did that to me. But then again, I was a teenager in the 70s and we were expected to be self-sufficient by 18. The first decent paying job I had, at age 16, and I was required by my mother to contribute financially for groceries, household, etc. I moved out at 18 and came back for a bit, too, but giving her lip would not be tolerated. Once we had a fight and I stayed two weeks in a motor inn until I apologized (I was 19). If not for that cultivation of independence, I couldn't have moved to NYC at age 23 to be on my own. I have little tolerance for the brattiness and sense of entitlement I see in teenagers today. Not saying he is like that, but that's the culture of his peers, and it seems to have rubbed off on him.

Remember, he's not a kid you have to take care of anymore. He's an adult grubbing off of you. If he's that disrespectful, it means he is ungrateful. Not only should he be paying you rent, he should keep his judgments and opinions to himself.

I sincerely hope he doesn't have you doing his laundry, too.
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  #284  
Old 09-01-2011, 12:11 AM
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What would you do in this situation? How would you handle it?
He's still quite young, and only really on the cusp of adulthood. I'd talk to him about it as such, and treat him like a nearly grown up child who has needs and wants relative to that age.

I'd stand my ground firmly while letting him know that I'm sensitive to his feelings and thoughts, fears and hopes, or whatever. And I'd encourage him to talk openly about his feelings, worries....

I'd speak from my heart about my own needs, concerns, fears, worries..., and let him know that while I deeply respect my son's needs and wants, I'm going to have to live my own life as I see fit, it being my own life after all. But I'd also be clear that I have empathy and compassion for my son in this situation.

Much depends on whether he generally has treated you with respect and consideration. If not, some of the above may need slight modification. You may have to tell him to stay out of your business and insist that he treat all of the family with respect, even if it isn't felt on his part. In this way, you'd definitely be treating him like a child, rather as a young adult.
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  #285  
Old 09-01-2011, 01:18 AM
calypsoblu calypsoblu is offline
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Wait a minute - your son moved out, found the world a tough place, was graciously invited to move back home by you... AND has the audacity to talk shit to you about how you live your life? He'd be out on his ass in a heartbeat if he were my son and did that to me. But then again, I was a teenager in the 70s and we were expected to be self-sufficient by 18. The first decent paying job I had, at age 16, and I was required by my mother to contribute financially for groceries, household, etc. I moved out at 18 and came back for a bit, too, but giving her lip would not be tolerated. Once we had a fight and I stayed two weeks in a motor inn until I apologized (I was 19). If not for that cultivation of independence, I couldn't have moved to NYC at age 23 to be on my own. I have little tolerance for the brattiness and sense of entitlement I see in teenagers today. Not saying he is like that, but that's the culture of his peers, and it seems to have rubbed off on him.

Remember, he's not a kid you have to take care of anymore. He's an adult grubbing off of you. If he's that disrespectful, it means he is ungrateful. Not only should he be paying you rent, he should keep his judgments and opinions to himself.

I sincerely hope he doesn't have you doing his laundry, too.
WOW, thanks sooo much for replying to my post NYC, I was starting to wonder if I was justified in feeling EXACTLY as you have posted... you know, the part about me letting him come back to the home and by the way, you hit the nail on the head, he dont pay shit around here, he dont help, nothing.... in fact, you are right, he is an adult grubbing off of us.. last night was frustrating as hell, he had the audacity to bitch and complain that one of his friends parents (said friend is 19, and no job, but living at mommy n daddys home still) keep hardly any food in the house and how thats not right, etc... I kindly reminded him, like myself, his friends parents are not under any legal obligation to provide for the now adult child... he became angry with me.

Every evening for the past couple of weeks I have dreaded the time that my son comes home.. in fact I hope every night that he comes in after my loving guys are home, because it means his (the sons) mouth remains firmly closed when the guys are around...usually. I hate that my son obviously does not love me enough to only care about my happiness whatever that may be... but it is the way it is.. I will continue to enjoy my life for the good things I have and the wonderful men that I am so lucky to have share my life... as for the son, I think it is getting to be time that he move on to his own place...

Thanks for putting that into perspective NYC...

Last edited by calypsoblu; 09-01-2011 at 01:51 AM. Reason: spell correction
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  #286  
Old 09-01-2011, 01:26 AM
calypsoblu calypsoblu is offline
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He's still quite young, and only really on the cusp of adulthood. I'd talk to him about it as such, and treat him like a nearly grown up child who has needs and wants relative to that age.

I'd stand my ground firmly while letting him know that I'm sensitive to his feelings and thoughts, fears and hopes, or whatever. And I'd encourage him to talk openly about his feelings, worries....

I'd speak from my heart about my own needs, concerns, fears, worries..., and let him know that while I deeply respect my son's needs and wants, I'm going to have to live my own life as I see fit, it being my own life after all. But I'd also be clear that I have empathy and compassion for my son in this situation.

Much depends on whether he generally has treated you with respect and consideration. If not, some of the above may need slight modification. You may have to tell him to stay out of your business and insist that he treat all of the family with respect, even if it isn't felt on his part. In this way, you'd definitely be treating him like a child, rather as a young adult.
Wise thoughts too, Thanks River!

For a little back ground history, my son has never been the most respectful to me while I was raising him anyhow, so he is merely continueing the behavior that he has always had toward me. Mind you, I have stuggled for years to correct his behavior and so has my hubby over the years, it is lately since the boy has gotten a gf and thinks he knows all the answers to life and that I should live my life as he sees fit, not how I see fit.

I do think we are at the point that next time his mouth gets to running like the dogs bowels after eating pork.... I may not be able to refrain from getting quite mean while saying it is none of his damn business... I do see your point about treating him as a child, I really dont want to have to do that, however, I fear he leaves me no choice due to his lack of respect for those living in the household and our relationships with eachother. Personally, I dont really care if he ever accepts this triad, it is not his life, it is mine and my partners lives to live and deal with... just wish the boy understood it is not really his place to make decisions for me regarding my life or to make waves in the life I choose to live.
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  #287  
Old 09-01-2011, 04:00 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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More young people are living at home these days as work is getting a bit more scarce... it's not just your son.

What needs to be addressed the most is next time he says his friends don't approve of triads. Well, he needs to know that you don't really care what his friends think of anything, because they don't rule your life.

Teenagers are always very concerned about what their friends think, and it's part of growing up to stop caring about your peer's opinions and do what you want.
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  #288  
Old 09-01-2011, 07:51 PM
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More young people are living at home these days as work is getting a bit more scarce... it's not just your son.
Perhaps, but that doesn't mean they have any excuse for not conducting themselves as responsible adults and giving their fair share of time, energy, and money into the household. Parents do not have an obligation to take their offspring back in (I say "offspring" because they are no longer children) and support them just because things are tough. If they do take them back in, it should ideally be negotiated as two parties of adults with rules and/or a time limit agreed to, with a goal of them working toward their own independence and showing respect for the people whose home they have come back into.
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  #289  
Old 09-02-2011, 01:08 AM
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As a teen myself [19], I'd like to chip in. First off, the teen bashing is great. =P Even I've been guilty of acting that way at times, though I always try better myself. I won't let nature win. =] I live with my mum and she does wash my clothes, mainly just out of making it easier. There are 4 of us in the house. Together, our clothes actually make enough worth washing. Without, we would need at least a weeks worth of dirty clothes each to wash our own, and that would be assuming they were all in the same wash [colours, whites, certain odd materials]. So I don't feel that really hinders my life in the future. It helps that I do know how to wash my clothes.
Generally food is bought for me, by both my mum and my partner. I do like to cook myself though. Especially when in this house. My partner often enjoys cooking at her house... But back to the main topic at hand...

Tell your children. Straight up. Answer their questions. I think if they weren't brought up with it, or haven't known about it all their lives [the latter of which I find bizarre if you've been poly all their lives], they may find it hard. But if they can't be respectful of your choices, they would certainly be gone from my house.
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  #290  
Old 09-02-2011, 05:41 PM
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Teenagers are always very concerned about what their friends think, and it's part of growing up to stop caring about your peer's opinions and do what you want.
I can't agree with this. Growing up doesn't mean that one stops caring about the opinions of others (peers or otherwise), it means one has their own center, their own being, their own strength and commitments..., and is thereby able to
respect and appreciate the opinions of others, take them in, and accept or reject them, apply them or refuse them.
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