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Old 05-19-2011, 07:56 AM
Freedom Freedom is offline
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Default protection and women

As I am new to the idea of polyamory I wonder what women feel about their partners not caring if they sleep with other men?
I know my girlfriend is interested in other men however she said to me that she would be concerned about 'the protection feelings of a man towards his girlfriend if he didnt mind her sleeping with other men'.

Do other women feel like this?
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Old 05-19-2011, 11:39 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I would be concerned if hubby or boyfriend "didn't care." I mean, they SHOULD care, because any new relationships will impact them. Whether it's the sexual health of a FWB or integrating a whole new relationship into our lives, there are reasons to care.

Any dealings I've had with Protector Syndrome have been irritating and insulting. Tell me the truth and let me deal with the world as I see fit; don't spoon feed me the parts you think I can handle.

So, I will take a loving and supportive partner over a protector or someone who doesn't care, any day!

ETA: If there are spiders or centipedes involved, anyone is free to protect the hell out of me.

Last edited by TruckerPete; 05-19-2011 at 11:40 AM. Reason: bugs
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Old 05-19-2011, 01:59 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Freedom,

I'm not totally clear on your question.........

Are you referring to a lack of some cultural indoctrination that insists that lack of jealousy equates to lack of 'love' ? That is a common mis-perception that is pretty prevalent.

gs
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Old 05-19-2011, 02:40 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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The day I stop caring about who Redpepper sleeps with is the day she knows my connection has either changed to a more platonic bond or has been lost...
That was a good sign that my 18 year marraige was over for me. But I am mono and work a lot differently then a poly person.

I can see why she would be concerned and agree with GS that a lot of that is probably driven by societal conditioning.

How do you feel about it? Do you care? What are your own values around sex?
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Old 05-20-2011, 03:41 PM
Freedom Freedom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hi Freedom,

I'm not totally clear on your question.........

Are you referring to a lack of some cultural indoctrination that insists that lack of jealousy equates to lack of 'love' ? That is a common mis-perception that is pretty prevalent.

gs
hey

Im more talking about her feeling that it is un natural for a man to be ok with his girlfriend having a sexual relationship with another man. however the way I look at this is that, that may be so to some degree, however we have condoms and pregnancy control now so we dont need to worry about pregnancy, STDs etc!
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Old 05-20-2011, 05:54 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freedom View Post
hey

Im more talking about her feeling that it is un natural for a man to be ok with his girlfriend having a sexual relationship with another man. however the way I look at this is that, that may be so to some degree, however we have condoms and pregnancy control now so we dont need to worry about pregnancy, STDs etc!
You do still need to worry about those things with condoms and birth control. It's called "safer sex" now.

Just sayin'.
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Old 05-21-2011, 12:51 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is online now
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I want my partners to care, but I'd be worried if they had only negative feelings about it. I'd want them to have mostly or only positive feelings about it.

I'm glad to have a boyfriend who can protect me if I need to be protected. But he would never do it without my asking for help. Otherwise if someone is flirting he assumed I'm fine with it (unlike some other guys who would assume he's bothering me).

I like having someone who protects me, but I would think it condescending if they assumed they know better than I do what's good for me. So letting me make my decisions and respecting them is very important to me. This being said, I take my boyfriend's opinion into account and would want him to tell me if he's got a bad feeling about someone.
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Old 05-21-2011, 01:31 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freedom View Post
hey

Im more talking about her feeling that it is un natural for a man to be ok with his girlfriend having a sexual relationship with another man. however the way I look at this is that, that may be so to some degree, however we have condoms and pregnancy control now so we dont need to worry about pregnancy, STDs etc!
Yep, that's what I was referring to.
The word "natural" is where the trap is. Maybe we should say "standard or common" It's very much a cultural thing. In our current culture is probably most common (taught) that love & caring are to be expressed this way. So from that perspective/definition you probably could say it's "unnatural".
But also by that definition everything outside the majority falls to being 'unnatural'.
So I think it's admirable to be 'abnormal' in cases where the 'normal' is regressive.

I get what you're saying about the big concerns about having multiple partners. This again is a learned fear (although legit) and has been used as a crutch more often than not. So it's good you've moved beyond that. As TP mentioned, we still have to be concious of this reality, it's just that we've quit using it as a crutch.
We want to feel assured about the safety of our partners. Sometimes we take an active role in that, sometimes we have to trust them. What's important is both feeling that they are on the same page about this, i.e. that our definitions of 'safety' are the same and the guidelines we'll use are agreed upon.
So it's not that you don't 'care', it's that you've developed some respect for her judgement and the fact that you both are in agreement about what safety is and how it gets approached.
Seems like signs of a good relationship to me - at least some pieces.

GS
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Old 05-20-2011, 03:00 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freedom View Post
As I am new to the idea of polyamory I wonder what women feel about their partners not caring if they sleep with other men?
I know my girlfriend is interested in other men however she said to me that she would be concerned about 'the protection feelings of a man towards his girlfriend if he didnt mind her sleeping with other men'.

Do other women feel like this?
In monogamy jealousy/protection is sometimes seen as a protective great emotion. It makes the person who is receiving the jealous/protective attention happy and needed.

In poly.. It works the opposite way. It can come across as selfish and possessive.

Obviously there is lots of in between when it comes to the emotion, but point out the extremes makes a point.

I wonder in your example if the same concern applies to women sleeping together?

Even in monogamy I never dated women of the first type. Requiring jealousy to feel good about the quality of the relationship is simply dramatic. I create enough of my own drama I don't need someone like that.

That said, I will always feel protective of the people I love. Regardless of the location of their pelvises. Bt I also trust them to make the decisions that suit them...
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Old 05-20-2011, 03:26 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freedom View Post
As I am new to the idea of polyamory I wonder what women feel about their partners not caring if they sleep with other men?
I know my girlfriend is interested in other men however she said to me that she would be concerned about 'the protection feelings of a man towards his girlfriend if he didnt mind her sleeping with other men'.

Do other women feel like this?
Your question isn't worded very clearly, but I'll take a stab. Just because someone is in a polyamorous relationship does not mean he or she does not care whether their partner has sex with other people; even if they do not mind. Being okay and accepting of it doesn't necessarily negate the caring or protectiveness toward their partner.

But everyone will show that caring in different ways. It seems that many couples will usually establish some sort of guidelines to make sure their partners are safe, whether that is requiring frequent text messages during the date, complete knowledge of where they will be and with whom, or even accompanying them on first dates to meet the person.

So, what does your girlfriend mean when she says she "would be concerned about the protection feelings of a man towards his girlfriend if he didn't mind her sleeping with other men?" Is she afraid you will stop caring about her if she does have another partner? Or is she afraid you will be overprotective and start trouble? Remember, polyamory is not just about sex; it is about having multiple loving relationships. If she has such concerns, it would seem best of she tried to establish a good rapport and caring relationship before getting sexual with someone else.
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