Why do things have to be so complex?

[NeonKaos]

Just about anything I have seen asked or can imagine being asked on this forum can be answered with, "Treat others the way you would want to be treated, and don't settle for anything less than that for yourself."

Why do folks seem to think we and our situations are so "unique" that this does not apply, or that there could possibly be any more to it?

[Ivy]

Maybe because even when that's practiced to the letter, there are incompatibilities, misunderstandings, and heartbreak. Sometimes there's just no solution, but that's a very difficult thing to admit.

And sometimes people just need sympathy and a kind word.

[redpepper]

I think that far too often people think they are unique and special. Why? Because we are taught that. Some cultures don't teach that. Some cultures teach their kids that the betterment of the whole community is what is unique and special, not individuals.

We are set up I think. As kids we are told that we are something special and then somewhere down the line we learn we are not. Its a lie and we lose our trust from that moment on.

Usually this happens in school, like when we are told to line up with all the others to go outside for recess or something. We are made into people that follow along; there is no uniqueness in that, so we clammer for it because we were told once that we are unique and still want to believe that.

We are all the same, we are emotional, all go through events similarly, we all need love, companionship, stable family lives; as much as we need food, water and shelter...

I sometimes think that if people started seeing things in terms of "we are all the same" then a lot of issues would not exist. There would be a lot more compassion for others, a lot more speaking from a heart connection rather than our minds and our ego. I think that there would be a lot more abundance in our lives than scarcity as we as a culture covet what we think is ours...

We are not special. What is special is our ability to give and love without coveting love for ourselves. To be compassionate even if it seems it is at our own cost, makes us ordinary... I don't think it ever is at our own cost. It works and can be practiced... It's what I do here.

[NeonKaos]

Pretty much.

Of course, I realize we are each unique to a certain extent, but there are certain things that we all go through, such as denial, which are not unique. I am quick to "out" perceived denial in others because it helps me examine myself for the same.

[AutumnalTone]

I suspect it's due to the single largest obstacle we encounter when attempting to build fulfilling relationships is ourselves. It is our struggle with ourselves that determines how well we are able to treat others well and assist them in building relationships that are fulfilling to everybody involved.

[nycindie]

I have been thinking about this thread in the last week or so. I read the posts here, and keep coming away with the sense that everyone is really over-complicating things. Well, not everyone, but lots of people get all twisted and confused about choices to make, how to say this or that, how to ask for what they need, how to handle old self-limiting beliefs, devising complex boundaries and negotiations down to the minutiae of their loved ones' interactions, and things like what does it all mean????

Poly is so simple -- love more than one. Why do we get so bent out of shape?

[nycindie]

I have been thinking of this thread lately because I'm beginning to reach my saturation point again with the same problems cropping up here all the time, the same questions, the amount of people who start off their posts saying their situation is unique yet we've seen their story here a gazillion times. I can't help it - I used to answer so many threads here, but lately I have no patience for most of them. I think I am becoming impatient in my own life, too. I don't like the way things are and need to make changes but feel frustrated at the enormity of the radical turn-around that is needed.

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

Just about anything I have seen asked or can imagine being asked on this forum can be answered with, "Treat others the way you would want to be treated, and don't settle for anything less than that for yourself."

Why do folks seem to think we and our situations are so "unique" that this does not apply, or that there could possibly be any more to it?

Treating ourselves and everyone around us with the same respect and loving kindness does seem to be the answer to most problems and issues. Now, how to implement that strategy...

[idealist]

How about this......Treat others the way they want to be treated and notice who is interested in understanding how you want to be treated and engaged in following through with it.

[rory]

Originally Posted by idealist

How about this......Treat others the way they want to be treated and notice who is interested in understanding how you want to be treated and engaged in following through with it.

Oh yes, and then communicate them what it is you'd like.

Be massively compassionate, understanding, and kind with yourself as well as others. Doesn't mean you accept things you shouldn't (far from it!), just that guilt and anger aren't constructive to change.

I actually think that the better my own boundaries, i.e. the better I know and implement what I need for myself, the more I can show understanding and kindness.

For example, it was a long time ago that I decided not to have my (social) mother in my life anymore. From that point started healing. Not complete, but I feel less hate and more compassion. I can understand how she has become the way she is, the pain she feels that drives her to be abusive. I can do that but I will never again subject myself to her abuse. There is a very hard and strict boundary.

I hope that illustrates what a world of difference there is between understanding something and accepting it in your life. I think where people get the most horribly difficult and painful relationships of their lives is when they try to do both feeding into a really unhealthy dynamic. I have had that as a kid, when I had no choice. Now I have a choice, and that is not how I will lead my life. I will do my best to always understand, but I will accept in my life only things I can live with, things that do not compromise my personal boundaries. Other things, things I want in relationships, those are up for negotiation. But my personal boundaries are not.

[NovemberRain]

Originally Posted by idealist

How about this......Treat others the way they want to be treated and notice who is interested in understanding how you want to be treated and engaged in following through with it.

THAT is news I can use. Thank you. That noticing thing is a big challenge. I am friends with someone at work, mostly because she has made an effort to be friendly with me. She's not who I would choose, necessarily. She's brilliant, no question. But also broken, and demanding (work-wise) and whiny. She takes sarcasm too far, and is the first to act hurt when the rest of us toss it back. But she's made a consistent effort to go to coffee with me, ask how I'm feeling, thank me for my efforts on her behalf, etc. The people I'd like to play with don't notice. So I'm friends with her. But she is not popular, and I am now suspect for my friendship. oh, i work with nutballs.

Thank you idealist.