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Old 05-11-2011, 10:25 PM
Alan1969yes Alan1969yes is offline
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Default Confused Brisbane boy

This originally posted in "Introductions" but re-posted in new to Poly (Thanks for the suggestion Tonberry . . .
. . .
. . .
Hi! I live in Brisbane, Australia. I am very new to the idea of polyamorous relationships. In fact, I really only started reading about it in the last 2 days, and it has been a revelation.

I was married for many years and have a couple of kids. Wife & I separated a couple of years ago. My first love (as a teenager) was “Vixen” and I have never got over her, although we did not contact each other for 25 years in the interim. I was always faithful in my marriage, and kept the “Vixen” part of my heart under lock and key . . . convincing myself that she was just a sweet childhood memory.

In early 2010 I tracked Vixen down and made contact with her again. I couldn’t bear living my life without at least knowing that Vixen was OK. It turns out that Vixen is (mostly) happily married to Michelangelo, and they have a son together.

As it happens . . . Vixen and I have started to share these intense feelings for each other . . . even after all these years. For the last couple of months, we have been emailing and / or calling each other almost every day, and have met a couple of times. We haven’t “done” anything to cheat on our partners but the thoughts are there, and so is the emotional connection. But is it a fantasy? Time will tell.

So Vixen & I are trying to explore these intense and confronting (and not wholly welcome) feelings we have for each other, and getting to know each other again as adults, and doing our best to do so ethically, in view of her love for Michelangelo, who I have not met yet. We haven’t acted on our feelings. Neither of us wants to hurt Michelangelo. The way I see it, if Vixen loves her husband (Michelangelo), then I do too (not sexually . . . I am straight). Neither of us wants to do anything to hurt Michelangelo. At this point, Michelangelo would definitely NOT be able to deal with Vixen’s & my feelings for each other.

I also have a girlfriend, Red, who I have been going out with for a couple of months – about the same time as I made contact with Vixen. I have started having feelings for Red as well as my feelings for Vixen. I don’t want to hurt Red either. Vixen knows everything that’s going on: Red and Michelangelo are still largely in the dark. Red might be a bit more flexible in the poly department than Michelangelo, but I don’t know that for sure.

I have never had a poly relationship but now that I’ve been reading about it, I think this may be worth exploring. Reading some of the posts here has been very comforting, and has given me hope that Vixen, Michelangelo, Red, and I might be able to work something out where we can all be happy together. Maybe not living together, but something!

My learning’s from this site so far: Vixen loves both me and Michelangelo. Once Vixen & I come to terms with exactly how we feel about each other, then we are going to have to explain this to Red and Michelangelo respectively. This will take time and patience and is fraught with risk.

So the options for Vixen & I seem to be:

(a) Walk away from each other and pursue “normal” lives with our Other Significant Others (“OSO” I believe is the terminology!) . . . neither of us feel we can do this and still be true to ourselves. We tried this and were miserable.

(b) Leave our OSO’s and try and have a normal “mono” life together (all these new terms!) . . . neither of us really want to do this – we each have feelings for our OSO’s and there would be other consequences (family law issues, loss of friends and family etc)

(c) Have a secret relationship behind the backs of our OSO’s . . . we don’t want to do this to each other, or to the OSO’s.

(d) Try and be “just friends” . . . this is heartbreaking, but in view of the wisdom from the other posts here, it seems the only rational and ethical thing to do is to keep our feelings in check until / if (e) happens. And perhaps to wait a while and see if those feelings continue.

(e) Eventually . . . come clean with Red & Michelangelo, about our feelings for each other, and try and negotiate something with them in the manner suggested by numerous posts on this site. I can’t believe people have been able to do it, but boy am I relieved they have, as it offers some hope to our breaking hearts. Of course, this would not be the end but the beginning of a whole new paradigm with its own difficulties. But we didn’t choose this . . . it just “is”.

Suggestions / comments / other options would be appreciated.
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Old 05-12-2011, 01:34 AM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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Hi Alan1969yes,

Welcome aboard! Great to have you post! I assume the "1969" part means you were born then? I too am a 1969er and an Aussie living in Melbourne...

Just to share a little, I am 20 years very happily married with 3 daughters and recently my wife and I have embarked on the journey to open our relationship and do so openly and honestly. To say the least, it is not an easy journey but one I believe is the most honest to myself and who I am. My wife is not nearly as inclined this way but is doing her best to come to terms with everything. And certainly the whole social culture makes things much more difficult too...

For 5 years we have been walking this journey but not knowing anything about polyamory and it has only been in the last 8 months that we have put a name to it. Since then it has given us a better platform from which to work things through and it is also comforting to know there are others out there walking this journey too...

I wish you all the best!
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Old 05-12-2011, 01:41 AM
Alan1969yes Alan1969yes is offline
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Default Thanks PolyExplorer

Thanks! Your words of encouragement are helpful.

I am straight, but am beginning to wonder if suspecting you might be "Poly", is a bit like suspecting you are gay: i.e. sometimes an unwelcome realisation that you are different from most other people.

Friends who I have spoken to about my dilemma all say the same thing: pick Red, don't be involved with Vixen. But I just can't do it . . .

Time will tell. Thanks again.

Alan
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Old 05-12-2011, 04:21 AM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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Hi Alan,

I have wondered the exact same thing at times. I have had a few friends who have had to come out as gay. Some of them were married with kids and got married to try to "cure" themselves. Finally they admitted to themselves that they were gay.

In someways it might be similar with "poly" although there is also an argument out there that says deep down we are all "poly" but because of social and cultural and conditioning reasons, most of us don't "come out". Still not sure whether there is truth to that or not...
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:19 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hi there. A couple of things...

First of all, it is possible to have a wonderful, beautiful friendship without taking it into the sexual realm. There are people who have non-sexual poly relationships. It's about the love, after all, which doesn't necessarily need to be expressed sexually to be felt and nurturing to both of you.

I do think you both need to get hold of yourselves here and slow down a bit. You're caught up in the excitement, a whirlwind of emotions, a heady euphoria, because you've reunited with someone from your past and it is easy to romanticize the memories and create a fantasy out of them, which surely would influence your relationship today. I say this because she is married, and that is a covenant that needs to be honored. You also need to honor your feelings as well, but some objectivity (as much as you can possibly muster anyway) is in order. Vixen's primary focus right now is her relationship with her husband, and taking action too soon on this crazy intensity she has with you could completely jeopardize the marriage and ruin both his and her lives.

To me, it sounds like you're jumping the gun a little bit. I understand that you're excited and want to move things along; but I think it's too soon for either of you to discuss this with Michelangelo and Red -- except, of course, I do think you should let them know that you have a friendship and correspondence going on. I think it's fair and respectful to let them know that, so that anything more that might develop down the road won't come as a shock.

In your words, it's only been a couple of months. You've got these intense feelings, which have most likely been fueled in large part by both past longings and the "forbidden" quality of her current situation. You say, you're "beginning to have feelings" for both Red and Vixen - but you're not sure if it's romantic love or anything to build a commitment on. You don't know how Red feels about you. It would just make a mess to go too fast.

I say, breathe, relax, don't pressure yourself or each other for an outcome right now. Wait to see how things develop. Keep your feet on the ground.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-12-2011 at 08:21 AM.
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Old 05-12-2011, 11:11 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan1969yes View Post
For the last couple of months, we have been emailing and / or calling each other almost every day, and have met a couple of times. We haven’t “done” anything to cheat on our partners but the thoughts are there, and so is the emotional connection.

Michelangelo would definitely NOT be able to deal with Vixen’s & my feelings for each other.

Vixen knows everything that’s going on: Red and Michelangelo are still largely in the dark.

Once Vixen & I come to terms with exactly how we feel about each other, then we are going to have to explain this to Red and Michelangelo respectively.
And there we are, back at 'is this cheating?' question again. I think it is dangerous terrain you are treading here. Especially since you have already met for a few times with a clear understanding that there is chemistry between you. Michelangelo will most likely take it rather hard, and I see no particular reason to keep adding to that hurt by continuing this friendship on the sly. I agree with Indie - you need to let them know that what's going on. Not necessarily the whole 'I think I might be falling in love and in fact, I might be poly - here's a few articles for ya!' part, which can be a bit overwhelming, especially since your relationship will seem to them to have sprung out of nowhere with no warning.

Many times we lie, even if just by omission, to those we hold dearest, and think we are protecting them from what they can't handle. It is still highly disrespectful to decide beforehand what somebody can and cannot handle, and it totally undermines the foundation of the relationship. The longer you continue with this secret relationship, the more betrayed everyone will feel when it all comes out in the open. I do this alot and every time it becomes harder and harder to rebuild trust again.

What does Michelangelo think Vixen is doing when she is chatting to you? What has she told him about where she's going when the two of you have met up? It would be interesting to hear Vixen's side of this, too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
...but I think it's too soon for either of you to discuss this with Michelangelo and Red -- except, of course, I do think you should let them know that you have a friendship and correspondence going on. I think it's fair and respectful to let them know that, so that anything more that might develop down the road won't come as a shock.
It will come as more or less of a shock anyway, I fear.
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