Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-11-2011, 04:09 AM
MadameSyrinx MadameSyrinx is offline
New Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 3
Question Lonely Unicorn

I recently discovered that being a single, bi, poly woman... and a young pretty one at that, can be an utter curse. You would think that the lineups of couples desperate to spice up their love life with a token bi girl.. that it would be at least pleasant. I find it utterly lonely, and a true testament to people's complete selfishness.

I am not a toy, or a hooker. I am not a sex therapist, or the solution to a failing marriage. I am a young woman, who wants a loving woman, and a loving man, in my life. I want to be treasured like the remarkable person I am.

Everybody wants a threesome but nobody wants to hear about how my day went, or what I want to do with my vacation.

Am I doing something wrong?
Reply With Quote
Old 05-11-2011, 04:49 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,024

Maybe you should look for two separate individuals, rather than an already established couple. If you want a man and a woman in your life, find one first, build that relationship a little, and then be open to finding the other.

It seems that most couples out there looking for a bi women as a third, tend to be in open relationships or more invested in sport sex than poly. Of course, here on this forum you will find more actual poly peeps, but from what I've been coming across elsewhere, it's hard to find an already established relationship that isn't just looking for sex with a third, rather than a relationship. I was just reading (on a Meetup.com message board) some detestable guideline a couple has of only giving their unicorn (oh, how I have come to hate that term - it is so objectifying!) no more than 10% of the man's attention, while 90% should be for the wife. They said to "never go past 80/20" or to let the second woman "linger too long" because "you will wind up with a relationship" -- heaven forbid! For some reason, this is apparently the standard in those circles, mean to keep attachment at bay.

Try getting to know poly people -- do you have any groups that meet near you? Just relax the search a little and get to know folks who are more open to actually developing multiple relationships, and see what happens.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 05-11-2011 at 04:51 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 05-11-2011, 07:12 AM
Erosa's Avatar
Erosa Erosa is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 138

My heart so goes out to you. *hugs* :'(

I had a similar experience when I was a unicorn. And it's heartbreaking to see yourself give love and get used in return.

Don't give up though. I really do believe that there is a couple out there for you. *hugs*

Tag my page anytime.
With all my heart I will love and not fail,
With all my soul I will fly and not fall.
Reply With Quote
Old 05-11-2011, 08:53 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906

Sorry to hear you are experiencing that! I have like today realized that a lot of people seeking their mythical unicorn are motivated by the sex and not the relationship possibilities, and I'm like 'woot? threesomes are SOO over-rated!'. Besides, arranging a threesome isn't even that hard if you know the right people. Having a relationship is sometimes hard, but worth so much more than the occasional kicks you get out of group sex with random people.

The advice you have already received is really good. Don't build huge expectations about meeting the 'perfect couple' - date individuals instead for a while, and look for couples that already have some experience in poly (the local community is a good place to start). If you meet potentials, bring it up from the get go that you want to date and get to know them both individually before the sex, and make a commitment to yourself NOT to agree to anything you are not comfortable with. Triads can also happen when three single people get together, so don't limit your line of vision to established couples only.

Although group dates are fun, I prefer to get to know people and to have sex one-on-one. I don't know if you could benefit from seeking out more 'family-minded' polyfolks. They tend to have a bigger emphasis on seeking a 'good fit' to their family, and don't want to bring random people in to their children's life, but really prefer to get to know the person first.
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
Old 05-11-2011, 03:41 PM
Concept9 Concept9 is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Okinawa Japan, US Citizen though
Posts: 5

Don't lose hope just yet; I can see where you are coming from and how you must feel. My wife and I are very new to this ourselves (like...been talking on it for months but have yet to put it into practice, still looking for OUR unicorn.) However, we both agreed early on that our intent isn't just to treat someone else as an object, or a third wheel. There ARE people out there that want you to share in all the same things they already have between the two of them; to simply find others to share in the happiness of life without treating you any different than they treat each other already. So...in short, keep your hopes up and keep looking, whether for couples or singles as suggested above; you'll find those that want you for you soon. Good luck.
Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2011, 12:36 AM
MadameSyrinx MadameSyrinx is offline
New Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 3
Default thanks

Thank you for the encouragement! I am feeling rather discouraged, but I am hoping things turn around.

Where do you meet people? I am really quite shy about being poly, but I can't have a relationship with someone who does not feel the same way.. so the breaking the news thing is hard.

I have to say I stumbled upon the polyamory community by accident, out of being totally burned. It's only after a triad gone bad, after I was fought over and then discarded, that I realized there had to be another way!
Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2011, 04:19 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,658

You can look on dating sites like OKcupid to find like minded people to date, or who are meeting up in your area. If there is nothing near then start looking around for like minded people to create a meet and greet with. You could go to the closest meet up and see who is there that might of travelled to get there also. Or to put the word out that you want to create some community for yourself and others. Once you have some people together, go do something. Coffee shop that is fairly private, pub, whatever suits you or is acceptable in your area to do... peoples comfort is important, so make sure that is considered. Then just be and see who you meet and watch things blossom.... hopefully
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Old 05-14-2011, 11:16 AM
drtalon's Avatar
drtalon drtalon is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 112

You could post a personal ad here to let the (potentially) more enlightened Unicorn Hunters know about you...
Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2011, 07:06 PM
KellyBryan's Avatar
KellyBryan KellyBryan is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 9

We're a loving FM couple and are very committed to each others happiness. We're looking to find someone to form a FMF triad with who we can both be equally involved with - an equilateral triangle kinda thing.

We're interested in getting to know someone with the possibility of adding a third person to our family (sounds like more what you are looking for too). We'd like to do the whole dating and falling in love x3 thing.

I guess you could say that we fall into the "unicorn hunter" box - but we dislike boxes a great deal. We're aware that in this crazy mixed up world it's rare to have found someone else that you can experience life so completely with as we have. We're hoping for lightening to strike twice.
Reply With Quote
Old 05-28-2011, 02:37 AM
onequarter onequarter is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 6

In my very limited adventures, I've noticed a lot of people on OKCupid looking for what you're looking for. Try looking in your area and doing a search for "polyfidelity" or "polyamory" and see who's looking.
Reply With Quote

unicorn, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 02:40 AM.