Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-04-2011, 05:19 AM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: near NYC
Posts: 54
Default Not so much jealousy as feeling like a loser

In my first officially non-monogamous relationship, we both wanted it from the first date (9 months ago) and we're a pretty awesome couple. She is constantly telling me how great I am and how she can't imagine ever leaving me, she doesn't understand why I'm not constantly surrounded by women, etc. I trust her and am not worried about her leaving me.

Since we started dating, I've tried going out with 3 other girls, weren't really into each other, pretty awkward, nothing happened. I'm really shy and maybe a little picky, so that's pretty typical for me?

Meanwhile, I can't even keep track of all the guys she's gone out with. I can think of 8, but there are probably others I'm forgetting (several with the same names). Went on several dates each, excited about them, made out with most of them, had sex with at least 4. It's kind of intimidating.

Likewise, the latest guy she's seeing already has a wife and a girlfriend, and after their date tonight I find out that he's also currently dating another girl, and is interested in yet another... who just happens to be one of the three I unsuccessfully went out with. :/

Before we met, I hadn't kissed anyone in over a year, and I was trapped in self-reinforcing feelings of insecurity, loneliness, and depression. Now that I'm seeing just how easy dating is for everyone else, how they're all having such a great time, and I'm just seeing her and struggling elsewhere, I'm beginning to feel the same as I did then. It's bizarre to feel lonely or insecure when I'm in such a happy, stable relationship, but I can't help but compare myself to the success of others and feel like a loser, or feel that I'm somehow being taken advantage of, though I know that's not the case.
Reply With Quote
Old 05-04-2011, 10:03 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906

Hullo and well met!

I know this will probably make you want to punch me in the face, but when it comes to dating, you only need to go on to one REALLY good date if it's with the right person (my first-ever real relationship began with a nine-hour first date, and we didn't even have sex - just nine hours of talking, straight). And in the end, even that didn't work out because we were fundamentally incompatible to have a long-term monogamous relationship together.

Check out the Life-Stories and Blogs sections - plenty of people struggle with dating. So you are not alone. Poly may well feel like a joke when you struggle with having A relationship, much less multiple ones. So you are already better off in some ways with having a primary for whom you care deeply.

Is finding someone becoming a mild obsession? If it feeds into your negative self-image, it might be good to take a break from active searching all-together for a while and work on self-image issues instead.
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
Old 05-04-2011, 10:59 AM
MrFarFromRight's Avatar
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
Posts: 716

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Is finding someone becoming a mild obsession? If it feeds into your negative self-image, it might be good to take a break from active searching all-together for a while and work on self-image issues instead.
Excellent comment! You're not in a competition here. Accept the fact that you're shy, work on that shyness (and ESPECIALLY any feelings of inadequacy - these are in your head, not in your worth as a person), and relax a little.

Think about this: Would you really rather be dealing with 16 sexual relationships with physically VERY attractive people, be the most popular guy around, [have your girlfriend jealous of your success], have it leaked that you're dynamite in bed, have strange women 'phoning you up in the middle of the night... but for all those relationships and all that sex to leave you feeling emotionally empty, physically used, and with the taste of dust and ashes in your soul?

Would you really?

Stop trying to compete and appreciate your girlfriend. Isn't she wonderful? If somebody else comes along (or you go out and find them... but without STRESS) and it all works out happily, even better. But don't suffer until then!

Look at me: I'm polyamorous (by conviction) and have had no more-than-me sex in years (by circumstances). [links to my introduction and my thread "Polyamorous and celibate"]

Oh GOD! Am I jealous of you!!!


Welcome on board!
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
Reply With Quote
Old 05-04-2011, 02:55 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742

I've got to ask...your wife is practicing extremely safe sex right? Your indirectly sleeping with a lot of people. Sorry if the question is out of turn but my curiousity has gotten the best of me

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
Old 05-04-2011, 03:51 PM
Ivy's Avatar
Ivy Ivy is offline
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 89

I'm in the same place. I just left a relationship where my (female) partner was a magnet for male attention. I found myself constantly trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Since then, my husband and I have wanted to open up our relationship more completely--and I'm terrified, 'cause he's a good-looking, confident guy who knows exactly what he wants. I'm jealous, of course, but that's not the problem--I'm afraid he'll be much more successful at dating than me!

Our solution: we've put things on temporary hold while I learn to flirt. Just flirt, so I have a better sense of how often people are attracted to me, and how I'm comfortable responding. It also takes away the pressure of "achieving" sex or a relationship. So far, it's been helping my self-esteem...but it's also scary as hell.

It helps, of course, that neither of us is actively involved with anyone at the moment, so that may not be an option for you. But it might be healthy for you to figure out your style of interacting with women, and see when it works and when it doesn't. It certainly sounds like your style is very different from hers, and that's okay.
Reply With Quote
Old 05-04-2011, 03:54 PM
amuk amuk is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 11

It's not that dating is easy for everyone else. It is just easier for your girlfriend than just about everyone else. Sounds like you are feeling rather hurt and perhaps you are feeling a need for your girlfriend to slow down a bit and allow you to catch up to where you want to me in your own dating world.

I feel the comment about not understanding why you aren't constantly surrounded by women to be rather condescending...as if if is some fault of your own that you aren't. In fact, your feeling intimidated over your girlfriends focus on her other relationships over your feelings sure isn't helping you be attractive to anyone else. Here again is more reason for her to slow down on her outside relationships if your happiness is truly important to her.

I want to be clear that I'm not saying that she has any direct power over your emotions. We cannot expect anyone else to be able to make us feel a certain way. However, I feel it is very important for primary partners to show they take their partner's emotions into consideration and choose to make sacrifices when their partner is feeling hurt by a situation that involves both of them.
Reply With Quote

casual sex, dating, dating dynamics

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:29 AM.