Short-Term Dating & Online Dating?

[AmourCurious]

Guidance please,

I’ve decided that I don’t have what it takes to commit to a full-time relationship. I am in a very deep self-discovery journey and University graduation is just around the corner. I will be leaving my home-town after graduation. All of this makes me think I should stop dating completely. Yet I don’t truly want to. A part of me thinks it is unfair for those I date since I am not available to give them a future. Another part of me says, dating can be for short-term if those involved are aware and okay with it. Is there such thing as short-term dating and is it moral?

If so I am not sure if I should try online dating. I have never really done online dating. I want to date more woman and to be honest I don’t have much of a gay radar. I am attracted to very feminine women. Online profiles give you the advantage that people state what they are looking for. No guessing required. I am a traditionalist and reserved, I feel uncomfortable with the idea of my picture and info out there. Is online dating a good idea?

[nycindie]

I think dating is, by definition, usually short-term. As for online dating, why not just try it and see if it works for you?

[Magdlyn]

OK Cupid lets you say whether you're looking for casual sex, short term dating or long term dating. You might find someone who is fine with just having some fun for a while. Maybe someone else in transition, like yourself.

[River]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I think dating is, by definition, usually short-term. As for online dating, why not just try it and see if it works for you?

Dating itself is a short term activity, perhaps. But, traditionally, dating is the activity of spending time with a person (or persons) in order to see if they both (or more) want to commit to a deeper and more enduring relationship. That's what dating is (was?!).

People now seem to throw the word "dating" around in such a way that the term is becoming--or has become--meaningless. Might as well say Spaghetti-ing, for this would serve just as well--, or gloobulating. Who wants to gloobulate?

Recently I've heard folks say they were "on a date last night," but what it really was -- pure and simple -- was a casual sex encounter, and a one time deal.

I suppose our language is falling apart in every which way. No one seems to care one way or another what a term means anymore.

Forget about this dating nonsense if what you're actually wanting is some sexual playtime with a person you're not able or willing to commit to a relationship with. That's not dating. It's just not. It's not evil or bad, either. But it isn't dating. And nor is a one night stand.

I'm not a big fan of the word "dating," but it is in such common usage ... and we yet have no popular alternative to choose. And 'dating' cannot mean anything if it means anything at all. It is clear that an elephant is an elephant and not a zebra, right?

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by River

Dating itself is a short term activity, perhaps. But, traditionally, dating is the activity of spending time with a person (or persons) in order to see if they both (or more) want to commit to a deeper and more enduring relationship. That's what dating is (was?!).
. . .

I'm not a big fan of the word "dating," but it is in such common usage ... and we yet have no popular alternative to choose. And 'dating' cannot mean anything if it means anything at all. It is clear that an elephant is an elephant and not a zebra, right?

I recall reading a long forum post over at OKCupid about the term. Apparently the word "dating" means something very different in Europe. Lots of Americans think of it as you do: "spending time with a person (or persons) in order to see if they both (or more) want to commit to" something more serious. To me that includes a casual cup of coffee or cocktail just to get to know someone, going out to dinner, a visit to a museum, what-have-you, but I know a lot of people feel that dating is a "try out" period before moving forward. Personally, I don't like to feel like I'm auditioning someone for a bigger role in my life. I also view dating as something you can do without trying to make it more serious. Like, when I say, I date so-and-so, we go out and do things together but we do not have a commitment to a long term relationship. We enjoy each other's company and can be dating for quite some time but aren't officially boyfriend-and-girlfriend.

According to the Europeans that posted to that OKC thread, dating is something you do after you have a commitment. They would never call a meeting to have coffee with someone a date. They don't think of going to the movies with someone you're still getting to know "dating." I wish I could provide the link but their forum search is really bad and I don't have time to find it. It was huge. As much as there seemed to be this definite American/European divide on what people think of as a date, there were lots and lots of variations and individual viewpoints on the American side.

I know lots of people dislike the word "date" altogether. The OP in this thread asked if short term dating is moral. That question confuses me. Morals are subjective and culturally-based, anyway, but... how would it not be moral?

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by AmourCurious

I’ve decided that I don’t have what it takes to commit to a full-time relationship.

Yep, online dating is a good idea. You can say the above out loud in your profile, and thus limit the pool of candidates who might want to contact you so that you find people in similar life situations.

Originally Posted by AmourCurious

Another part of me says, dating can be for short-term if those involved are aware and okay with it. Is there such thing as short-term dating and is it moral?

You gave the key to whether it's moral or not in the first sentence. "If those involved are aware and okay with it". Of course, human emotions are sticky, weird things, and there are no guarantees that something that starts out as casual, fun and with a definite "best before"-date won't morph into something massive and long-term and messy.

Originally Posted by AmourCurious

I am attracted to very feminine women.

One possible hurdle ahead. Very feminine women looking for female companionship tend to be femmes and more inclined to hang out with butches. This is a horrible stereotype but that's how the scene operates most of the time. Feminine women who don't identify as femmes, on the other hand, are more often than not bisexual. Go figure.

Originally Posted by AmourCurious

I feel uncomfortable with the idea of my picture and info out there

You don't need a picture. I don't have a picture on my OKC account. It limits the amount of attention you get from other users, so you need to be more active yourself in getting in touch with potentials and messaging them first. You can also send files via private messages in OKC, so you can just add a photo of yourself to the first message and explain why you don't want it out in the open. You can also blog straight people from seeing your profile, so you don't have to deal with most men if you don't want to.

Originally Posted by nycindie

According to the Europeans that posted to that OKC thread, dating is something you do after you have a commitment. They would never call a meeting to have coffee with someone a date. They don't think of going to the movies with someone you're still getting to know "dating."

Thank you Indie! Exactly. That's it. Einverstanden. Second that.

In my mother tongue there are two different words, one meaning short-term dating, getting to know someone with maybe checking out if there's long-term potential, but it can totally be used just to mean something very casual and fun. And another word entirely for long-term dating when there's a commitment and often plans for shared future.

Sadly, such a distinction doesn't seem to exist in English .

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by AmourCurious

Is there such thing as short-term dating and is it moral? Is online dating a good idea?

Yes there is such thing as short term dating, in fact, a lot of poly people consider this poly because everyone they date knows that they are dating others as well. There is debate as to whether or not this is poly for some people, but the choice is yours to make. There is also fuck buddies, friends with benefits, casual sex, you name it, its out there Its all moral if you think it is... it depends on your values and what you hold as sacred in a relationship. Only you can answer that too. On line dating has been tried and tested and found to be useful. Many people find their partners that way. It is common now and probably the main way that people date. Whether its a good idea is up to you also... I agree with NYCindie that you should try it... and with Mags; OKCupid tends to have a certain type of person attracted to it than others. It's my favourite. POF is big here also, but mostly good for casual hook ups...

Just a word of advice. Make sure that the people that you meet aren't married or if they are that their spouses know... it seems that dating sites can be a big haunt of cheaters.

You might find some interesting stuff on dating if you do a tag search for "dating" "dating sites" and "dating dynamics" in the search engine here.