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Old 04-30-2011, 04:00 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Default Minxxa's Little Corner of the World

OK. So I thought maybe it's time to start a blog on here, though I may or may not update it super often. But there are some things going on that don't fit into the seperate thread thing, and things that only people here might appreciate!!

So I'm going to do this a little at a time. A brief intro...

I'm 43 years old, married and have two kids (not by my current hubby) who are 18 and 15. He has a 14 year old daughter who will be living with us before the next school year, but currently lives with her mom.

I've been nonmonogamous (I use the generic term because it fluxuates between true poly and more... not. ) for 15 years, since my relationship with my ex. It didn't work out with him, but not because of that. It didn't work out because of a whole host of other issues that had I paid attention I would have noticed before we got married.

But we made two beautiful children, so I can't complain.

My current hubs and I have always been nonmonogamous, though he was a little less honest when I met him. I first introduced the concept of ethical nonmonogamy to him, but it took a few years for him to overcome the fear of the truth and get with the game. We had a few scuffles early on because of this, but at some point we have worked through it, though we continue to have an issue here and there to deal with.

I have ventured out a lot less than hubs. Mostly because a) I have MUCH less time on my hands, and b) I am more introverted, and take time to warm up to someone enough to want to get nekkid. Hubs is more extroverted and connects with people faster.

Currently he is stationed (he's military) across the country, so we-- yet again-- are seperated by distance. Blyeah. But wierdly enough this time apart has been a learning experience. We ended up reconnecting after having pulled away from each other for various reasons, and are now actually in a whole new nice world when it comes to honesty, communications, and meeting each others' needs.

It's a work in progress. But I'm okay with that!
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Old 04-30-2011, 04:03 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So to continue... I am in school to get my master's agree in counseling psychology. My goal is to be a couples therapist, specializing in sex therapy. This weekend I'm at a conference for sex education, counseling professionals and really enjoying it.

I met with one of the special interest groups-- the one dedicated to altsex (alternative sexual practices), and it seems we will be working on forming workshops to submit for next year's conference, which is totally exciting! I think it's important for people to realize that they most likely know people that are into BDSM, or nonmonogamy, they just don't know it. I'm good with helping to dispell assumptions. Assumptions... are one of my pet peeves.

I'll expand upon things, of course, but for now, that is all!
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Old 04-30-2011, 12:32 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Oh good for you! The world definitely needs more counselors adept at dealing with BDSM and queer and poly issues.

I once had an open minded therapist I used for 3 years. She was cool with poly, and with me being a homeschooling mom as well. Then we changed insurance and I lost her. I tried another counselor who, on my 2nd appt, told me married women "should never" get a crush on anyone other than her husband. Needless to say, I never went back to her.
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miss pixi, 37
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Old 04-30-2011, 06:13 PM
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Ivy Ivy is offline
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I agree! My most recent therapist specializes in LGBT work, but seemed to feel that my involvement with another woman indicated that my marriage was falling apart. Um...no. Hardly.

You're a rare and valuable asset to society. More open-minded psych folks = win.
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Old 05-01-2011, 04:13 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So two days at the conference, lovely!! But my brain is sore from all of the sensory input. Chilling out tonight and then tomorrow I"m only there for four hours, then I have to do real life stuff!

Talked with hubs tonight about some guidelines. He is the kind of guy that meets someone and hits it off and it's on... and I don't do well with sudden entrants into the pool. We had kind of pulled that type of happening out of play, but with him so far away I didn't like the thought of him having NO connections until he came home. So I'd thought about it and then put it away and tonight it ocurred to me, that the two things I don't like are sudden changes in direction (i.e. "hey baby I met this girl and want to take her home TONIGHT"), and also long weekends together (which tends to happen because his amours tend to be long distance and have to do things like FLY or DRIVE 5 HOURS to see him). So we talked tonight and I said that I was good to go as long as I knew in advance what was up, and it was a short-time thing (as in, hanging out on Friday night, and that's it). At least while he's away. I'd like to think I can expand past that, but with him gone and our ability to reconnect physically with touch removed from the equation, I'm just not as strong.

He thanked me for working on my stuff, and said he knew it was going to be his turn soon to do the same. I think I need to be more cautious with him, though, as I've had a lot more time/experiences to work on things AND I tend to be more in touch with what's going on with me than he does. I'm okay with that though.

An interesting thing happened this weekend. I was semi-gussied up on Friday (sort of dress casual with makeup!) and I felt good about things and I swear I was getting all kinds of looks, eye contact and attention I normally don't get. Just goes to show you that attitude and self-concept are everything. LOL.

The same day I got a text from a past amour (like 12 years ago, before me and hubs) and we got to catch up. Not that I think anything will happen, but I felt sexy and adored and it was nice.
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Old 05-02-2011, 06:44 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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An interesting thread came up on another (the only other) forum I'm on (it's a health/diety type of site) regarding sexting as cheating. It has provoked some interesting discussion over there. I had to poke my head in to talk about assumptions-- my pet peeve in all parts of life! That assuming that sexting is bothersome to ALL people is not correct, and that these are the discussions we need to be having at the beginning of all relationships. What do we find a dealbreaker, what constitutes honesty, cheating, etc. Expecting others to be in agreement with your view without finding out their views is, to me, being a bad partner.

Obviously you can't talk about EVERYTHING up front, but hitting the biggies should be important. One of the speakers this weekend was Marty Klein and he discussed porn issues within relationships. He talked about how at the beginning of relationships things come up and we either accept them or leave For example, he comes home and says I feel comfortable with you can I wear your underwear? And she either says "yes" or gets skeeved and leaves. Then at some point we-- fall in love -- and we stop having those discussions at all, or we notice things and gloss over them. Then when things come up later, we want to retroactively change the ground rules because we don't like it. Which can be done, but it's hard and messy and takes a lot of skills that I think many people don't have.

Anyway... thought it was interesting because there was a contingent of "well obviously that's horrible and if my husband did that I'd run him through the wringer" discussion. I had to give another side...

Now I get to get through work and go take my final afterwards. EEK!
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