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Old 10-12-2009, 09:55 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81
Default I screwed up big time

All of my insecurites came to a head last week and I read personal conversations between my husband and our girlfriend. I violated their trust and betrayed them both.

She figured it out and confronted me, b ut had already decided she wasn't mad - as long as I admitted what I'd done. I did admit it when confronted.

She told me she wouldn't tell my husband, but she knew I would. I had to. I almost told them both last w

I thought about telling them both last week, but I'd already realized what a rat I'd been and wasn't gonna do it again... and I realized nothing good would come from telling them except easing my own guilt.

Well, now he's not even speaking to me. I have struggled a lot with insecurity issues recently, and particularly because I feel like the main relationship - the triad - is slowing dying. I am not capable of handling this poly thing if that main relationship becomes platonic. We haven't all had sex together in over a month, but we have all had sex with each other independently. We've barely been able to spend any time together because our gf got a shitty new work schedule, and worse, she's been sleeping through what time we DO have because she's dealing with a lot of stress and depression and feels awful and inferior.

She is not mad at me. She's hurt and surprised and feels like I violated her privacy - which I did - but she also understands what motivated it, and she says everyone makes mistakes.

My husband is a major trust fanatic. He will not even speak to me right now, not that I blame him... and he's really upset over all of this. I am not sure I will EVER get his trust back, and I know what I did was unforgivable.

I'm so afraid of losing them both, but then I go and do something unbelievably stupd to make it seem like maybe I don't deserve them. Something, that frankly, puts me more at risk of losing them both.


I KNOW how wrong and stupid this was. It's also incredibly uncharacteristic of me.

I hate myself right now. I really just do.
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:00 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742

Sorry to hear this. Hopefully you will be able to learn from this and remember what it feels like to betray them in this way. Hopefully they will get over it and your triad will be strenghtened by all of the new understanding that will be generated by this.

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 10-13-2009 at 04:12 AM.
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Old 10-13-2009, 04:09 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Honey-hating yourself won't fix anything. When trust is broken in anyway it has to be rebuilt. Some people "heal" easier than others, sounds like she is one who does-and he is one who doesn't.
Tell him you are sincerely apologetic.
Assure him you have learned from your mistake.
Prove it-but doing it.
THEN it's really time to talk about those fears you mentioned in your post with both of them so that you can work through them.

Good luck!
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 10-13-2009, 06:50 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81

Thanks. I am very good at self-loathing, and feel so awful right now. I can't believe I did this to him, to either of them...

I feel emotionally torn to shreds. I hate hurting them. I hate letting him down.
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Old 10-13-2009, 03:50 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Ouch! Sweet lady, after falling down, we can only stand back up and begin walking anew. We can try to clean up our messes as best we can and make amends where possible. I suspect this will take a bit of time to clean up--and kicking yourself in the gut every step of the way won't help in the slightest.
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Old 10-14-2009, 05:46 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81

My husband and I talked. He was concerned and surprised because this was behavior very atypical for me. He was also hurt and betrayed.

But he doesn't want out of our marriage. We were talking about where to go from here, and I said that I could leave, we could accept that we both made mistakes (because in reading I discovered that he was less than honest with me about a specific situation) and try to move on from them... he said we could also "treat the disease and not the symptom," meaning breaking up with her. Neither of us want that, but it may ultimately happen for unrelated reasons.

He said me leaving or him leaving was unacceptable. He said his problems with her are far, far greater than the one he and I have now. He doesn't think they'd make it without me anyway, and interestingly enough, she said the same thing to me yesterday.

He's not being distant and he's hugging and touching me as much as ever. I am greatly relieved because he IS capable of holding a major grudge. I think he realizes that I know how badly I screwed up.
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