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Old 04-27-2011, 05:46 AM
SeekerOfTruth SeekerOfTruth is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 10
Default Looking For Advice/Thoughts #2

Hello again, wise people of the internet. First and foremost, I want to say that you guys are amazing and wonderful and if I could give you all hugs I would. It's been roughly nine months since my last major wall of text I posted here, and thanks to the advice I got things went fantastic and I have become a better, more confident person because of it. I've been in a happy relationship with girl B from said wall of text for just a little under that time and things have been brilliant so far. She's wonderful, leagues better than my evil ex, and my love life has been as perfect as I could desire it to be. Alas, hers has run into a rather rough spot, and I'm frustrated with how the situation is going down but I'm still trying to determine ethically to what degree I can get involved. So in the hopes that I can express my assuredly biased view with as much objectivity as I can, I would love any and all comments that the wise individuals of this forum could contribute. So, to start things off with another wall of text, let me explain the background and the current situation.

When I met girl B, she was currently involved in a polyamorous relationship with her primary, whom I will refer to from here on as guy B. She was also dating my ex's primary, and guy B was dating another girl C who also has a primary guy C. Since the separation from my ex (and subsequently her primary), the chart looks like this, with lines representing who is dating who:

Me - Girl B - Guy B - Girl C - Guy C

Pretty much everyone has casual sex together in addition to this graph, though not myself with any others as much, safety being observed so that no one screws the others (figuratively). This has been the form of the overall relationship over the past eight months, and I have been more than happy with it. The source of the problems arose in the relationship between Girl B and Guy B, which has been going for almost five years now. They seemed to me to be pretty solid, with Girl B mentioning to me some small typical relationship problems of not being paid enough attention to, being ignored when she brought up her issues with him. I just comforted her as much as I could, told her to be honest and communicative, and stayed mostly out of it, which I believe is the ethically right choice for an other polyamorous individual in the relationship. I never talked to Guy B about this or really any of the other parties in the overall relationship, because I personally believe that what happens in an individual relationship between two people should stay their business unless they explictly ask someone outside for help.

Unfortunately, this also put me at somewhat of a distance from the situation, so all I really have to go on is what girl B has told me. But the picture I had painted for me basically indicated that there was some small jealousy on guy B's part of me, which led to the beginnings of a divide between girl B and guy B that has just now reached critical mass, since girl B finds it hard to confront people and attempts to hide to compensate, and guy B seems to simply not pay enough attention or not understand the nature of the problems. I'm sorry to say that this is mostly speculation, though I understand and know girl B well I don't know any of the other individuals nearly as well and can only give my perspective on the situation. I've spoken to a small degree to girl C about some of this, and her opinions seemed to mostly mirror my own about the issues between the two and why they weren't being resolved. That being said, I still resolved to stay out of it as much as I could, because I hadn't been invited to get involved and they have every right to work it out on their own.

Unfortunately, girl C has been under a great deal of stress and has been aggravating the situation by expressing her anger at girl B over the issues she's heard from guy B, which of course only makes the situation even more volatile. I was rather furious to find out that she went off on girl B this morning, even putting forth the ultimatum of "If you don't tell him how you feel (loving me more than guy B), then I'm going to". I also have some issues with this because it assumes that love is some quantified thing that you have more or less of, which is a concept I don't believe fits with polyamory, but she's generally happier when I'm around because guy B pays her less attention as a consequence of his theorized jealousy. Today the two apparently had a talk to discuss the issues of their relationship and it ended with them both in tears, as guy B asked if girl B loved me more and she said yes. They haven't spoken since, guy B going off with girl C and girl B coming to me. That's the situation up to this point.

Personally I'm not sure what to do about all this myself. I personally want girl B and guy B to have a chance to fix things between them. I think they're both great people, and they might have had a better chance at dealing with it if girl C hadn't interfered with their relationship. But what's done is done, and I have several questions that I have yet to come up with answers for.

1. What needs to happen for there to be a chance at things being fixed, and what should I tell girl B regarding this? I trust girl C a lot less after finding out about her ultimatum this morning, and I worry that she may only encourage guy B to end the relationship as a consequence of her stress and her speculation on girl B's feelings. I hope it's not too late for them to fix things, but it's not looking good.

2. Should I talk to girl C at all about what happened? I was really pissed off at her today when I found out the things she said and the ways she's been acting, but I still know she's a smart and reasonable person. Should I tell her off, ask her politely to back out so they can have a chance to fix things themselves, say nothing to her, or something else?

3. If things can be fixed, what do I need to do as part of this poly conglomeration in order to facilitate the healing of their relationship? I don't want to have to go an extended period without seeing girl B at all, but I would understand if she needed to spend less time with me in order to fix things.

4. If things can't be fixed, how can I help the resulting situation? Girl B and guy B have been living together for a long time and their lives are very much mixed with each other, is there any advice for what I could do or what I could tell girl B in order to make it easier on her?

Sorry if that whole thing was kind of messy and unorganized, my distance from the situation makes it hard to comprehensively examine and explain every single part of what's going on. I'm really worried about girl B and all the others involved with the cool quintet thing that has been going great so far. I know there's a lot of ways that I can't help from an ethical standpoint, but I'm having trouble figuring out if there are any ways in which I can that I'm not already doing. Thanks in advance for your wisdom.

Last edited by SeekerOfTruth; 04-27-2011 at 05:53 AM.
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Old 04-27-2011, 04:30 PM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 883

Well,..this is pretty simple. (in my mind)

Guy B asked girl-B if she loved you more then him. She answered, 'yes'.

That answer, means its up to those two to figure things out, and where to go from there. You dont really get to help smooth things over, or try and 'help' them. In fact, it might just piss guy B off.

If she had answered 'no'...then maybe you could ask for guidance on how to help him feel more secure,.....but she didn`t.

It is now up to them to talk. She had the guts to say that, so she can be responsible to tell him how she feels lonely, untouched, and so forth.

Its then up to him, to decide to blow that popsicle stand, or to hear her, and try and do better by her so she feels love equally.

you can`t control his reaction. You cant manipulate the situation, even if your intentions are good, and you want to help girl B.

Just control,..you. Think ahead to the various ways they may handle this, and think about how you feel.

When either of them want to talk to you, they will.

Good Luck.

Last edited by SourGirl; 04-27-2011 at 04:37 PM.
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Old 04-27-2011, 04:44 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Well,..this is pretty simple. (in my mind)

Guy B asked girl-B if she loved you more then him. She answered, 'yes'.

That answer, means its up to those two to figure things out, and where to go from there. You dont really get to help smooth things over, or try and 'help' them. In fact, it might just piss guy B off.
A resounding ditto. You have to leave it to them to sort out.
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Old 04-27-2011, 04:54 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603

And to add to what's already been said, if I were you I'd stop talking to girl C about what's going on between couple B. It just becomes speculation and gossip and does nothing to help resolve what is going on between the two who are having issues.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
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Old 04-27-2011, 05:45 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999

Smart people, here! I have nothing more or better to add.
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Old 04-27-2011, 06:13 PM
Grady40 Grady40 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 8

I don't see anything that made you keeper of their mental welfare in your title so leave it alone.

Take a vacation. Bora Bora is nice. They need to work it out.

You need to decide how to handle the its him or me and if it is him


You need to decide if you can be her primary and lose some of the others in your life.

The cats not going back in the bag. Prepare for both so your not hurt.

The whole group needs to stop fucking and work on their relationships more.

But i'm a n00b what do i know?
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