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Old 04-25-2011, 07:00 PM
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gamerprincess gamerprincess is offline
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Default Is this jealousy or general concern?

I am still working through my jealous feelings and I am OK with him moving forward to meet the girl he has been talking to over the last week. However something is really bugging me about her. Him and I have talked about my concern and he is concerned too.

My concern is that she is a single mom with 3 kids who is 28. The 3 kids came from a relationship she had with a married man. When she got pregnant with the first one, she did not know he was married. Had no clue. She found out after she had the 1st and then he told her that he was having problems with his wife and wanted to leave her, so she got pregnant with the 2nd child. After she had the 2nd child his wife found out about the affair, somehow decided to introduce them, not sure whose idea it was, but the meeting didn't go well and then the wife started threatening her, so to retaliate...get this...she gets pregnant with the 3rd out of spite. Then she gave him an ultimatum, it's her or me. If you don't want to be with me and your children, just leave us alone and get out of our lives. She never heard from him again and I don't believe she has gone after him for child support.

That's what bothers me so much, is that she did it out of spite...What would stop her from trying to do that again if she fell for my bf as much as he's made it clear that can't happen and she says she doesn't want it. If she doesn't like me, what might she try to do to spite me? The same thing? My bf is concerned about that, but she reassures him she wants nothing serious but says she does want more kids eventually, just not now.

He made it clear to her that he absolutely does not want kids right now, and he never wants to have children out of a polyamorous relationship. She swears she's not doing this to have more kids and she doesn't want anything serious, yet her past actions seem to indicate otherwise.

She was the first woman we came across that was interested in a poly relationship and I think he is just settling for the 1st thing that came his way. I told him I didn't want him to just settle for whoever because nothing else has worked out and to take his time, I'm sure he'll meet someone else.

She's also the one who wanted to meet so soon. I'm glad last night he told her he wasn't ready yet and it was too soon. He said he knows he's going to be a little nervous regardless, but that he feels it's just not right yet. I told him to take his time and whenever he was ready to go meet her. If it's just to talk and nothing else, he shouldn't be so nervous. I think it's just the prospect of meeting someone after not knowing any woman but me like this in 6 years and him worrying about how he's really going to feel. I told him to not let her push him to meet her and just really think it through and do it on his terms, when he is ready.

I think he's afraid she'll not talk to him anymore if he puts it off for too long, but wouldn't that in itself be a warning sign as well? I told him I'd be more comfortable if he met a woman who was already in a relationship with another man or woman and wanted to meet someone else as well, versus the single mom with 3 kids and not fully knowing her intentions, but I know the choice is up to him. Something just doesn't smell right with this woman to me and I'd love to hear what you think.

Last edited by gamerprincess; 04-25-2011 at 07:02 PM.
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:59 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I think you should trust yourself. You seem to be a rational person and are looking for affirmation. I do not need to know everything about your situation, nor do I need to know the "other side(s) of the story" to be able to tell you that you should listen to your gut when it speaks to you.
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Old 04-25-2011, 08:12 PM
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gamerprincess gamerprincess is offline
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
I think you should trust yourself. You seem to be a rational person and are looking for affirmation. I do not need to know everything about your situation, nor do I need to know the "other side(s) of the story" to be able to tell you that you should listen to your gut when it speaks to you.
That's the thing.. I DO trust my gut on this feeling, but though he's concerned, he seems to believe that it's not a big deal. Is this NRE blinding him or what?? I tried to say that it might be, but he didn't say yes or no to it.
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Old 04-25-2011, 08:23 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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That's the thing.. I DO trust my gut on this feeling, but though he's concerned, he seems to believe that it's not a big deal. Is this NRE blinding him or what?? I tried to say that it might be, but he didn't say yes or no to it.
If it is, he likely wouldn't know it.
But-I doubt it's NRE with HER that is blinding him.
Sounds more like fear of not finding ANYONE would be more likely to be the problem.
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Old 04-25-2011, 08:41 PM
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Anyone who would bring a life into this world as a bargaining chip is someone I would want NOTHING to do with. I don't care what the circumstances were.

To do that... she sounds off her rocker, and I think it is very practical and smart to be cautious. Settling for the first opportunity is not a good idea whatsoever! Your BF should just take it as a sign that he will find someone, that there are people out there open to poly, but making a choice out of feeling desperate usually leads to disaster. You're in So. Cali? Oh, don't worry, there are other poly women there!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 04-25-2011, 08:59 PM
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gamerprincess gamerprincess is offline
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Anyone who would bring a life into this world as a bargaining chip is someone I would want NOTHING to do with. I don't care what the circumstances were.

To do that... she sounds off her rocker, and I think it is very practical and smart to be cautious. Settling for the first opportunity is not a good idea whatsoever! Your BF should just take it as a sign that he will find someone, that there are people out there open to poly, but making a choice out of feeling desperate usually leads to disaster. You're in So. Cali? Oh, don't worry, there are other poly women there!
I also want to add, that she tells my bf that the husband and wife actually asked her to move in with them at one point, for a triad thing. I guess the wife was OK with it in the end except that she would have been like their housekeeper too, but she told them no way she wasn't into that.

Still doesn't make it right in my head though. I shall show him your post and hope that I can get other feedback too.
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Old 04-25-2011, 09:00 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Default Something to consider...

Something to consider when in poly relationships is that any conflict/drama that a new person brings in doesn't only affect your bf-- it also affects you. Something he most definitely needs to take into serious consideration-- that if this girl does go whacky, he's not the only one paying the price.

Secondly... expecting people that have behaved dysfunctionally to suddenly not behave dysfunctionally is a bit naive. Her behavior was off the wall and it involved the production of children... two strikes right there. To expect that she has suddenly changed now into a good and ethical person is dangerous. Not that people can't change, but it usually takes a big effort, some introspection and time to prove that the changes one has made are real and deep and won't be thrown aside the first time that person doesn't get what they want.

And thirdly... she has three children she's keeping from their father and she wants MORE someday?!

Run away fast.
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Old 04-25-2011, 10:20 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post
Is this NRE blinding him or what?? I tried to say that it might be, but he didn't say yes or no to it.
NRE means "New Relationship Energy" and usually happens when people are at least in lust if not in love with each other. If he hasn't even MET her, it's not "NRE". I don't care what anyone else says, it's not "a relationship" if he's just exchanged a few emails and is planning on meeting this person for the first time.
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Old 04-25-2011, 11:47 PM
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gamerprincess gamerprincess is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
NRE means "New Relationship Energy" and usually happens when people are at least in lust if not in love with each other. If he hasn't even MET her, it's not "NRE". I don't care what anyone else says, it's not "a relationship" if he's just exchanged a few emails and is planning on meeting this person for the first time.
OK, so the excitement and energy he is feeling about their convos and about meeting her is not considered NRE??????? I'm fully aware of what the acronym stands for, and as far as I see it, since I haven't seen this excitement and desire in him towards doing this, I thought thats what it is.

I didn't realize there was a specific definition to what sort of relationship NRE would be considered as being. They've already got a friendship going, and isn't a friendship a relationship in a way? Or the start to one in something like this?
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Old 04-25-2011, 11:50 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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OK, so the excitement and energy he is feeling about their convos and about meeting her is not considered NRE??????? I'm fully aware of what the acronym stands for, and as far as I see it, since I haven't seen this excitement and desire in him towards doing this, I thought thats what it is.

I didn't realize there was a specific definition to what sort of relationship NRE would be considered as being. They've already got a friendship going, and isn't a friendship a relationship in a way? Or the start to one in something like this?

I'm just saying it's way too soon to be using NRE an an excuse or rationale for his behaviour and/or lack of good judgment.

And I wasn't suggesting that you USE "veto power". I really wanted you to read the posts about what is NOT veto power, especially where redpepper talks about something that happened with her husband and some lady where there was an unhealthy dynamic or something and rp gave her husband a wake-up call. She'll tell you about it once she sees this thread prob'ly.
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