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Old 04-25-2011, 02:43 PM
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Default Any successful closed triads I could chat with?

I'm the male part of what looks like it's becoming a long-term committed full/closed/equilateral/whatever MFF triad. I'm not sure about the terminology, but the idea is that what we're trying to do here is the moral equivalent of three-way marriage, with all of us on an equal footing. Not a vee, is what I'm saying. No primaries or secondaries. One of the women is my wife, to whom I've been married for over 20 years. We met the other woman about a year ago.

As things stand right now, we all want to do this. However, we all find that we don't have that good a feel for what "this" actually is. None of us has done anything even vaguely poly-ish before, or thought about it very much. If I were thinking about divorcing my wife and being with another woman, I'd have some sort of understanding of what our life together would be like; not the specifics, because she'd be a different person, but I have a general sort of understanding of how male/female marriages work. But the triad thing . . . well, we know we all find each other easy to be with, and we're all very compatible in bed, and we all love each other, but we just wonder if there are details about living together in a committed triad relationship that are obvious to people who do it but which aren't apparent to us, and which we'll someday wish someone had mentioned to us early on.

Last night, I said something to my wife about "I wish there were a support group for people doing what we're doing," and it occurred to me that maybe I could find the equivalent on this site. So I'm asking: is there anyone who's involved in a closed triad involving a long-term married couple and someone else, or who has been in the past, who could enlighten me (and us, by extension, though the other two aren't polyamory.com members) about how to make them succeed? Because I really want this one to succeed.

Last edited by PolyNewbie; 04-25-2011 at 02:50 PM.
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Old 04-25-2011, 02:58 PM
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Default Don't qualify - we're not closed

...but triady nevertheless. Is there a specific question you have in mind?

I'm the 'other woman' of a MFF triad/tree.
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Old 04-25-2011, 03:54 PM
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Is there a specific question you have in mind?
Not really. I don't feel like I even know enough to have specific questions. I just want to hear from people who have succeeded at doing what we're trying to do about the obstacles they faced and overcame -- or, I suppose, from people who failed at it about what the fatal problems were.

I guess one specific question is about how to resolve conflicts in a relationship where there can be a majority. That's certainly never an issue when there are only two people, but I can certainly see where it might be if there are three. I can see where there would be two natural pairs that might tend to take each other's side: my wife and me because we've got the relationship history, and my wife and the other woman because they're both girls. It's certainly an advantageous position for my wife. How do triads resolve conflicts so that everybody feels like their needs are being met?

But really, I'd just like to know someone, or some-several, who's been through the process I'm about to go through and who can offer advice. Nothing really specific right now. This is all very big and new and I suspect that there are things I don't know that people who have done it for a while do.
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Old 04-25-2011, 04:09 PM
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Have you had conflicts where 2 pitted themselves against one already?

Do you all live together?

Are there children in the mix, or planned for?

BTW, some would call your triad poly-fidelitous, or poly-fi for short.

There's a guy here in a poly-fi triad with 2 other men that seems to be working out great.... I need to look him up and remember his sn.
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Old 04-25-2011, 04:11 PM
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RfromRMC is his name. You could PM him and ask him to check out your thread.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
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Old 04-25-2011, 04:24 PM
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Hi Polynewbie,

I am the married wife in a situation similar to yours. My husband and I are in the process of integrating our new girlfriend into our lives. We've only been in this poly-fi relationship since the beginning of March...so it's really new to us also.

This is our first go at this kind of a relationship, and she (Pinky223) hasn't been down this road before either.

We just keep communication lines open. Trust me, we have had issues to overcome in our short time together, and there will be more in the future, to be sure.

I've got a thread going on the board. You should read it. Maybe we can help each other.

I would suggest you try to get your ladies to check out this forum also. It has been incredibly helpful to me. Not only with advice, but just knowing I (we) are not the only ones doing this, makes me feel better.

Best of luck! I try to remember we are all doing this in the name of love.
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Old 04-25-2011, 04:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JameeDee View Post
I've got a thread going on the board. You should read it. Maybe we can help each other.
I will absolutely check your thread. See you over there! Feel free to contact me through the private-message thing if there's stuff you'd like to discuss.
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Old 04-25-2011, 04:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Have you had conflicts where 2 pitted themselves against one already?

Do you all live together?

Are there children in the mix, or planned for?

BTW, some would call your triad poly-fidelitous, or poly-fi for short.
Two-against-one conflicts: no, not really. I know New Girl (for lack of a better term) feels like she's likely to be in the minority all the time, but it's just theoretical so far. No real conflicts at all at this point.

Live together: not yet. Planning on it. There will have to be some serious remodeling involved, or a new house, because the one we live in right now doesn't have enough room to give NG her own personal space, and we all realize how important that is. But that's where we're going.

Children: no. None. No plans. Not gonna happen. She has a dog and we have cats, which actually does present some interesting territorial issues, but I'll ask about those on a pet forum.

Terminology: right, I know there are a lot of terms, and thanks for pointing out that one. Does "poly-fi" cover the concept of fidelity only within the group? It's a little too close to the Marines motto for me to be totally comfortable with it, but I do see how it applies.
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Old 04-25-2011, 04:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyNewbie View Post
I know New Girl (for lack of a better term) feels like she's likely to be in the minority all the time...

There will have to be some serious remodeling involved, or a new house, because the one we live in right now doesn't have enough room to give NG her own personal space, and we all realize how important that is...
My ideal living situation would include two separate apartments, one four bedroom and one three bedroom, where I would have the smaller one that would include, besides my bedroom, kitchen and the living space, a guest room for whoever. I need that (and also to own/pay for my apartment myself) to feel secure - no matter what happens in this relationship, I won't be homeless. I wonder if some similar arrangement could help assuage NG's fears of being in the minority - in her space, she would rule supreme.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyNewbie View Post
Terminology: right, I know there are a lot of terms, and thanks for pointing out that one. Does "poly-fi" cover the concept of fidelity only within the group? It's a little too close to the Marines motto for me to be totally comfortable with it, but I do see how it applies.
Fidelity only within the group? Poly-fi means you limit your sexual and emotional connections to include only the three of you.

I was actually thinking of having 'Semper fi' on my ring from Sweetheart, but that would just too seriously crack me up every time I pondered on that .
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Old 04-26-2011, 01:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyNewbie View Post
Children: no. None. No plans. Not gonna happen. She has a dog and we have cats, which actually does present some interesting territorial issues, but I'll ask about those on a pet forum.
As someone who has always been childfree by choice, I find this stance refreshing! Not only are you bucking the system as far as monogamy and couplehood goes, but you have chosen not to procreate as well. I think being childfree will make it easier for you all to relate as equals - just a hunch I have. I really don't have anything else to contribute, as I've never been and likely never will be in a triad, but I had to stop by and acknowledge that. And to say, "Welcome!"
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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