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Old 04-22-2011, 03:59 PM
Oaks Oaks is offline
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Default Paying your emotional tab

This weekend I am heading out of town to meet a potential metamour. My love of 2 years has been out of state and has taken a new lover near where she is at. Its someone who she met a few weeks ago while home from work and has been visiting and spending time with over the weekends. There are some red flags that I have about this new man in her life. Understand that I am not prone to jealousy. I have two wonderful metamours in our life. Two men who she has known a long time and with whom I have become wonderful friends. They are aware of me, respect my role as her primary, and love me for the joy that I have brought her in her life.

However, I am meeting this man for the first time, at my own bequest. I don't feel that he is poly in nature, but saw an opportunity to "hook up" with a girl who claims that her boyfriend doesn't mind. She claims to have been upfront with him about me and her dedication to me as her partner. (Yet she has yet to talk to him about the nature of my other metamours, her other loves, in her life.) He has told her that he doesn't like it when she talks about me when she is with him. I must admit that I am a bit nervous of this meeting. I feel like I need to meet him in order to find compersion with this relationship and because I don't believe him to being poly, I feel the need to let him know that I am a real person and force in my Love's life and not some theoretical entity out there that doesn't really exist. When we are honest about ourselves with the people whom we meet and like, there is an emotional tab to pay at some time or another. Sometimes its right away when we let people know that we are poly and in a committed relationship and sometimes it takes a person time to realize that the committed relationship is not a theory or that there isn't any unhappiness in the relationship. So I guess I get the feeling that this person has not really "paid his emotional tab" in terms of the very real relationship between my Love and I. I hope it goes well and that he has close to his heart, bringing happiness to my Love's life.

My question to the community. What are some of the right reasons for meeting your love's other partners? When is the right time for such meetings? What are your thoughts in terms of emotional tabs to be paid in poly relationships?

Wish me luck and I look forward to reading some thoughts and ideas about this.

Love and Light,

Oaks
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Old 04-22-2011, 05:49 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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What are some of the right reasons for meeting your love's other partners? When is the right time for such meetings?
Number one reason for me is to make sure my newly-acquired metamour knows that I exist. At the same time, I wish to discuss boundaries, assess comfort levels and learn something new about my partner by seeing with who else they have chosen to share their lives with. Of course, if the starts are aligned just so, I don't mind to gauge possible new dating opportunities, either .

The right time is whenever the established partner feels they are ready. Were I the more established partner, I would love to be included in some way already in the dating process. If the person I am seeing is active in the poly community, I tend to assume their established partners already know and will contact me when they feel like it, if ever. If I am dating someone who is new to the lifestyle, I wan to to meet their established partner before taking things to a physical level.
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Old 04-22-2011, 06:04 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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If he is willing to meet you, he could be taking some of it, seriously ?

The only reason I ever needed to meet someone`s spouse, was to make sure the person interested in me, was legit.
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Old 04-22-2011, 06:38 PM
Oaks Oaks is offline
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If he is willing to meet you, he could be taking some of it, seriously ?

The only reason I ever needed to meet someone`s spouse, was to make sure the person interested in me, was legit.
I suppose that is part of why I am interested in meeting him and you are right that it shows interest if he is willing to meet me. Thanks for that perspective.
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Old 04-30-2011, 12:52 AM
neohio44122 neohio44122 is offline
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Number one reason for me is to make sure my newly-acquired metamour knows that I exist. At the same time, I wish to discuss boundaries, assess comfort levels and learn something new about my partner by seeing with who else they have chosen to share their lives with. Of course, if the starts are aligned just so, I don't mind to gauge possible new dating opportunities, either .
I can understand accessing the comfort levels and leaning something new, but I don't discuss boundaries with my wife boyfriend. That is her relationship; I let her set the boundaries. I do not interfere in her relationship, if she asks my opinion I will give it that’s about it. I do not treat her BF as a secondary, he is monogamous with my wife and so am I.

Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 05-01-2011 at 07:42 PM. Reason: tags
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Old 04-22-2011, 08:00 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oaks View Post
I don't feel that he is poly in nature, but saw an opportunity to "hook up" with a girl who claims that her boyfriend doesn't mind. She claims to have been upfront with himabout me and her dedication to me as her partner. (Yet she has yet to talk to him about the nature of my other metamours, her other loves, in her life.) He has told her that he doesn't like it when she talks about me when she is with him.
The sentences I bolded are red flags for me in what you wrote. It sounds like you are doubting your partner a bit as well. That doesn't mean she is lying to you, but perhaps NRE or this guy's energy is creating some sort of negative influence on her, and she is acquiescing to a perceived need he has to feel like he's the only one in her life. Or maybe it seems that way to you from whatever she has told you about the situation. I think you should always honor your gut feelings, and use this meeting as an opportunity to express your doubts. Ask him directly if he "saw an opportunity to "hook up" with a girl who claims that her boyfriend doesn't mind." Point blank tell him you are in her life and what you both mean to each other. I also think she definitely needs to come clean to him about every involvement she has. Otherwise, it could become a messy situation if he gets his hopes up or really is a cowboy.

There is a very new guy in my life who doesn't want to hear anything about my other involvements and I have had to insist on telling him. I made him listen to me. It isn't fair or worth the drama if anything is left covered up and unspoken.

Good luck and keep us posted.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-22-2011 at 08:05 PM.
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Old 04-23-2011, 12:10 AM
Oaks Oaks is offline
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Cindi,

I am quite amazed at your perceptions from what I wrote and I think you are entirely correct both at what my concerns seem in terms of what she has told her and in terms of I perceive. She has a history of "being a snake in the grass" (her words describing her past relationships). Complete honesty is something I am trying to encourage in both of us I dealing not only with ourselves but with others outside of "us" as well. I like your advice of bluntness and being direct. Something I will keep in mind. Thank you for your advice!
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Old 04-28-2011, 03:43 AM
Oaks Oaks is offline
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I wanted to thank you all for your input about meeting this new meta in my life. Things went well, I think. He was a sweet guy and we had a lovely time together on Easter. I took some advice here and I was very direct and very clear about how dedicated and devoted I am to my primary and how that will not change even though she is seeing this new guy in her life.

My only concern with him is that I feel that he is monogamous by nature and that he may not be entirely sure about what he is getting into. My gut says that he doesn't have very much long term potential in the life of my mate. My guess is that once he meets another girl, my mate will be history to him. Either that or he will get to a point emotionally with my mate where he will give her ultimatums of either him or me. I am not sure how much that concerns me except for not wanting my Love to feel heart ache over this in the long term.

In all this was a very strong time of growth for me and helped me to sort out some things about my life that caused me to have some negative feelings. What I learned is that at times, I can be envious of my mate of the life she lives for herself. In that she is having wonderful adventures where I feel stuck at home all the time with the cat and responsibilities of our household. I realized that this is an issue with ME and me alone and that its time for me to have my own adventures as well.
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Old 04-28-2011, 04:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oaks View Post
My only concern with him is that I feel that he is monogamous by nature and that he may not be entirely sure about what he is getting into. My gut says that he doesn't have very much long term potential in the life of my mate. My guess is that once he meets another girl, my mate will be history to him. Either that or he will get to a point emotionally with my mate where he will give her ultimatums of either him or me. I am not sure how much that concerns me except for not wanting my Love to feel heart ache over this in the long term.
I think these are all valid concerns to express to your Love, while letting her know she has your support.

Glad to hear it went well. Thanks for the update!
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Old 04-28-2011, 06:37 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Oaks,

I'm glad the meeting went well. It reminded me (a little) of one of my husband's relationships. He's away for 7 months and is now somewhat close (within 4 hours) of an old girlfriend from many many moons ago. They got to talking a while back and now that he's been closer, they've met up twice. He told her all about me, but she's truly monogamous and doesn't seem to want to consider me at all.

Hubs and I have talked about it. After the last time she visited, he thought that it had been nice to catch up, but it definitely wasn't going to last. They may get together again before he comes home, we'll see. I'm okay with that as a temporary thing, old loves and all of that, because of the type of relationship it is. If it was more often, if it was more deeply felt, I'd definitely have an issue with it. I don't need to like the person he's with, but I do need to be acknowledged as being a part of his life.

I also worry that she's going to get hurt, even though he's been clear with her from the beginning, because she seems really monogamous and I think the idea of multiple relationships is so foreign to her that she has it deep in her mind that he must be unhappy in some way or he wouldn't see her. But that might be just my brain making that up.

I like the "paying the emotional tab" part, too. I agree. It either hits in the beginning, or later when they realize that it things aren't going to change in the way they thought.
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