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  #1  
Old 10-05-2009, 08:03 PM
limbo limbo is offline
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Default Went on a limb, now in limbo (new poly/non poly)

I told my friend that I "like like" him (he is non poly). I'm married, the interest is a mutual friend. Of course, I discussed my feelings to my husband. My husband agreed I could go for it.

I whispered "I like like you" to my friend when our other friends weren't around to hear. It was the worst setting, and I was a bit buzzed, but that's why I said it because I felt brave enough, like it's now or never. We didn't discuss anything else that night pertaining to that matter.

The next day, I text him to explain. My friend seemed baffled, and he was saying all the "appropriate" things. He said he didn't want to hurt my husband, or me for that matter. He said he valued our friendship, the one the three of us share. We are all really close friends, best friends even.

I apologized to the would-be secondary, and I'm thinking well I've been rejected,but at least I still have a friend. I don't know if he thought I was backing out, or exactly what did it, but then he says, "We shouldn't bury this, it should be discussed further." Do any of you know what or where he's coming from? I asked him to clarify, but he said he's choosing to repress. I don't want to be pushy, so I'll leave it to him to pick up on this "discussion." I'm confused about where I stand, where we stand, and what are the consequences of my actions.

What do you think? Do any of you have any perspective on what he may be going through?
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  #2  
Old 10-05-2009, 08:10 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Just ask him those very questions. Simple and plain. I know a bit of his perspective as far as not wanting to hurt your husband. That in it's self is a very good sign. I am a firm believer that a secondary has to care for both partners and hold the primaries above everything else.

He's got a lot going through his head..maybe even trying to decide if he is poly capable as well.

Just ask him, vagueness is tiring and a waste of energy IMHO
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  #3  
Old 10-05-2009, 08:19 PM
limbo limbo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Just ask him those very questions. Simple and plain. I know a bit of his perspective as far as not wanting to hurt your husband. That in it's self is a very good sign. I am a firm believer that a secondary has to care for both partners and hold the primaries above everything else.

He's got a lot going through his head..maybe even trying to decide if he is poly capable as well.

Just ask him, vagueness is tiring and a waste of energy IMHO

I like being direct too, but I don't want to bombard him with questions he may not know the answers to yet. He's out of town, and will be back in two days. I think if he doesn't talk to me by Thursday, I'll have to ask him if we're done discussing any more poly stuff, and go on as if I never said anything, point blank.

He claims my husband is the luckiest man in the world, and he wishes I had a twin sister! But I think I read it elsewhere that he is what is called a "conditioned mono," and whatever he feels for me, he just can't ever go there.

Thank you for replying. It feels good to have some guidance.
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Old 10-05-2009, 08:28 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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First what sticks out to me is you were drinking when you brought it up. I have a number of straight (REALLY STRAIGHT) friends who will flirt with me when they are drinking because they know I am safe. They also know I am bi-and several have asked me if I would ever go for them when they were drinking (general answer is NO NO NO).

He very well could be thinking "wow that was daring of her I wonder if she regrets it".

Then when you clarified he might be thinking -"God she's gonna get me killed (by hubby)"

He very well may have NEVER CONSIDERED the possibility before.

Or

He might have used it as a fantasy-but never thought it was a REAL possibility.

Either way he might feel like he just needs some time to process the whole thing. Heck even single people getting offered a relationship from a single friend need to think it over first because there is inevitably risk involved.

Check out the thread on "the thirdness of being a third" (think that is the name either way it's close to that) by Ceoli-it might enlighten you to some of what HE may have to "look forward to" so to speak in this situation. Well worth the read anyway.

I would give him his time away to think. Then let him know briefly when he returns that "when you are ready to talk I'm looking forward to the discussion".
Then when/if he's ready to discuss-ask all those questions you said in here!!!
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Old 10-05-2009, 08:39 PM
limbo limbo is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

Check out the thread on "the thirdness of being a third" (think that is the name either way it's close to that) by Ceoli-it might enlighten you to some of what HE may have to "look forward to" so to speak in this situation. Well worth the read anyway.

I would give him his time away to think. Then let him know briefly when he returns that "when you are ready to talk I'm looking forward to the discussion".
Then when/if he's ready to discuss-ask all those questions you said in here!!!
Wow, thank you so much. I've done several searches on this site and on the web in general hoping to find a thread discussing a similar experience. I'm so grateful and so impressed by the help offered on this forum.
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Old 10-05-2009, 09:21 PM
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He'd be in a different dynamic than Ceoli but definitely look at the stories of people on here. He'd be entering almost the same dynamic as me.
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Old 10-05-2009, 08:37 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by limbo View Post
I'll have to ask him if we're done discussing any more poly stuff, and go on as if I never said anything, point blank.

He claims my husband is the luckiest man in the world, and he wishes I had a twin sister! But I think I read it elsewhere that he is what is called a "conditioned mono," and whatever he feels for me, he just can't ever go there.

.
This is very refreshing! Being able to recognize the potential of a friendship and accepting the limits of it's depth is very important. Maybe he will embrace this opportunity or maybe you will maintain your friendship as is. Either way I hope you all are happy and healthy
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