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Old 10-04-2009, 10:41 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Default HMA/Violet's ongoing poly experience

OK, so between our intro posts and a few scattered posts around the site, a lot of what we have going on is here - but it's fragmented and we still get questions or people who thought we had something else or whatnot. So I'll put something in here and people can check it if they want to, lol.

Me - 34 year old straight guy. Norman Rockwell upbringing with a VERY large family. High functioning autistic who was perfectly happy in his little world until he made the basketball team (still don't know why I even tried out) in high school and had to learn to be social and "popular" - under threat of beatings from the jocks that had to be seen with me, lol. Anyway, learned to fake my way through life as a "normal" person, and I'm damned good at it now. Married a great girl at 24, went through some crap that split us up but did get a wonderful son out of it, now 5. Previous to this, I'd been a "serial monogamist" who couldn't figure out why his relationships always went bad, and why when I fell in love so completely and so hard I never felt fulfilled. Had my heart stomped on a few times to boot, became a "mostly" ethical slut for a while in there, then back to serial monogamy - had a steady girl before my wife and I were done splitting up, and caught a lot of flack for it. 4 1/2 years into that one, things were very rocky - see earlier statement - I loved this girl with all my heart but she never trusted me because of my "wandering eye", and we fought a LOT as a result. Enter Violet. I lilke strip clubs, always have - some people don't dig them, whatever - they're about teh same money as other clubs in a night in this town, the girls are already naked, and they at least acknowledge that they're after your money, lol. Anyway, this lovely dancer caught my eye, and long story short, she broke the cardinal rule about dating customers and we've been together for over 10 months now (breif period of us not dating as my previous relationship crashed and burned - so the serial behavior continues). Very early on, we talked a lot about how our views on relationships were very different from the norm. Specifically, not only was she okay with me seeing and even fucking other women, she encouraged it! As a result, I was completely faithful to her, lol. Let it suffice to say that our relationship, though odd and bearing a huge age gap, is the best either of us has ever had by a very, very wide margin - and the key since day 1 has been communication and brutal honesty. Moving on...

Violet - 20 year old bi girl. I'll not go into too much detail about either young lady as they will decide what to or not to post about themselves, but the basics should be okay... Adopted daughter brought up in a crazily dysfunctional family. Had a very bad thing happen to her at age 11 that left her deciding at a very young age that she was either going to hate men and all things sexual all her life, or look for a positive experience to offset what happened to her because she realized that other people liked this sex thing, so there must be something cool about it. The pendulum swung a bit far, and she basically became a raging slut for her teenage years. Don't freak out, she will take no offense whatsoever to that statement I promise, lol. Figured out before the bad thing that she liked girls, so this slut phase included both women and men, though she started identifying more and more as a lesbian. Married at 16 to a guy she never even slept with - I'll let her explain that one, divorced when he caught her fucking his best friend, who turned into a very bad long term relationship the death throes of which she was in when she met me. Yup - all the wrong signs and every red flag in the book for our start, lol. Controlling, manipulative men had been most of her experience, and loving but very difficult relationships with women - and she'd never been with a guy that let her date girls when they were together, either (something I have never understood, but I guess that's my natural poly-ness showing). We met, we were cautious about teh rebound factor, we;re still togther and surreally happy. Which brings us to...

Anne - 21 year old somewhat bi-curious girl. Anne comes from a very conservative background. Cheerleader type. Had a negative experience with an older guy at 16 that she got over but not without a few hangups. I met Anne through the ex I broke up with shortly after meeting Violet. They were very good friends from work, and when that girl left, she and I stayed - loosely - in touch. She'd dated one of my best friends briefly (who started dating my ex a few months after the breakup, hows that for Jerry Springer material?) and we've always got along, though we didn't know each other really well. She's always admitted after a couple of drinks that she liked girls, admitted that she liked them when sober but was very uncomfortable with that fact, and had never been with a girl or even kissed one. Came out of a long term relationship with a a guy that started out great, but got very controlling and things were pretty bad at the end. This left her a bit guarded and very sexually repressed. Started a long distance relationship with a guy she'd known before, our triad story starts with her talking to me over coffee and the occasional lunch about that relationship as it went through various phases.

So - those are the members of our group. Next, The Relationship story, and how sometimes unicorn hunting sometimes has very unexpected results!
  #2  
Old 10-04-2009, 11:07 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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So - as previously mentioned, Violet and I started out in a very different kind of relationship from what either of us had known before; it seemed too good to be true. Everything about me that drove my exes nuts, she either didn't mind or thought was cute; everything her exes hated about her I had no issues with or thought was sweet. On top of that, we had this weird tendency to be honest with each other no matter what; almost like an ongoing dare to tell the other some little thing that they couldn't handle - which always ended up with sticky sweet moments when we realized that time and again, these things weren't mountains at all, barely rated as molehills to the other.

One of these things involved other people outside of - or involved in - a relationship. It took her almost as long to wrap her head around the fact that I didn't care if she saw women on the side - seriously or not - as it took me to realize she felt the same way. But about women, not guys (I am, as I said before, straight). This was hard for me because

1 - I didn't think I would be as cool about her being with another man as she was about me being with another woman, and I HATE hypocrisy, and
2 - related to 1, I couldn't see how this wouldn't breed jealousy.

Regardless, I finally decided dhe meant it - but I was so darned in love with her that I just didn't take her up on it much. Once, to be specific, and I wasn't even looking, the girl was after a casual encounter with me, lol. There was also the frightening tendency for her to be completely understanding for the first couple of months that my recent ex and I still talked about patching things up, and couldn't keep our hands off each other when we met up. Yes, Violet is the most understanding woman on earth, and I was happy as a clam to be with only her forever (secure in the knowledge that I could have the occasional outside foray without upsetting things at home). But we both talked all the time about how great it would be to find a real girlfriend, one who by some freak of chance would fall in love with both of us. We didn't call "her" a Unicorn at the time, but damn is that a fitting term, lol.

A few attempts were made. Other girls at the club knew she was bi and that her guy was okay with it, and some fooling around was had by her. When one seemed like more than a fuck buddy, she would tell them about her odd policy of letting her guy have girls too. Being a not unattractive man, a few showed interest in me, but didn't go anywhere. Until Lana.

I'll try to keep the Lana part brief, because although she's an important part of our lives, she's tertiary to this story. Lana is straight, which drives Violet nuts 'cuz she's madly in love with and VERY attracted to her. Violet brought Lana around because she wanted Lana and I to hook up since she couldn't get any there, lol. We all got along famously, but it just never happened between her and me, for reasons that we won't know until judgment day I'm sure. All the chemistry is there, it just wasn't meant to be. But a strong friendship was forged between the three of us, and when we found out about the horrible situation she was in with her abusive mother and really bad family situation, we moved her into our spare room post haste. There she remains, and we're somewhat sure she'll still be living with us as our "girlfriend without benefits" until we're all old and gray.

Having Lana around changed the dynamic of our "hunt"; because we loved her so much we kind of stopped looking, but we were frustrated because we really wanted somebody as intimate physically as emotionally and mentally. Yet we got an odd satisfaction having Lana around, so the motivation to keep looking just wasn't there.

Enter Anne. We never did find our Unicorn - she wandered into our camp of her own accord, looked at us and said "hey - what's up? Mind if I stay?" LOL!

Anne called me and wanted to meet, we hadn't seen each other face to face in almost a year. We had a great afternoon hanging out, which led to us becoming much closer friends. After a few more lunch dates and a lot of conversation about our respective relationships, she met Violet and Lana, and fit right in to our little cadre. Then she and I started going out on "not dates" as we called them - I was safe to go out with because I was just a friend and not her type, but she needed a companion because her "real" BF was 600 miles away.

And then one night it all hit the fan. We were on our way back from a "not date" and out of nowhere she confessed that she liked me as quite a bit more than a friend. This took me completely off guard - almost as badly as figuring out really fast that I liked her too. There was some kissing. A little fooling around that didn't go very far. And then I dropped her off and went home, and told Violet what had happened. She thought it was great; she and Lana had been teasing me for days about Anne liking me and that I was blind (I a when it comes to these things, another story there). And Violet liked Anne a lot, and had been teasing her for weeks that she was going to get her drunk and make her decide if she liked girls or not, lol.

Next day, anticipating some awkwardness about last night, Anne came over. Instead of being akward, she told Violet how greatful she was that she wasn't angry at her, and confessed to a little crush on her too.

And things went really, really fast after that.

Last edited by HappiestManAlive; 10-04-2009 at 11:29 AM.
  #3  
Old 10-04-2009, 11:22 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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So here we are. A month into this thing, there's a lot going on. There have been some very tough times already, but we've got through them - and been better off for it every time. As it stands, 24 hours ago was the greatest night in our breif history - a big fight between Violet and I resulting in newfound understanding, followed by Anne and Violet having a date that resulted in some VERY intense conversation and "coming clean" about feelings and issues that resulted in - you guessed it, newfound understanding and love, followed by me meeting up with them at the end of the night to pick Violet up, and us not leaving until dawn - fill in the details yourself, I won't - but it was an amazing night for all of us, physically, emotionally, and mentally, and our triad is much stronger than ever and looking forward to the future.

There are still challenges we see. Violets family is a nonissue. Mine and Anne's - well, not so much a nonissue, lol. Cross that bridge when we get to it.

Violet and I have been engaged for months. There are equality concerns about how this should go forward, as we do not consider Anne a "third". So far Anne has said she would feel aweful if we broke it off on her accountm, and Vilet has decided she's fine breaking it off until we figure out how to go about the legal union aspect of things down the road. I'll let them sort it out, lol.

Anne has not officially broken up with her long distance guy, and still has feelings for him. Violet and I both have jealousy issues there, though not the way we thought we would. I a oddly okay with Anne having another male love interest, moreso than I thought I would be. Not HAPPY about it mind you, but not as bothered as I would think. It's an honesty thing - he has no idea about us yet. He knows she's fooled around with Violet a little, and isn't concerned; he has NO idea at all about me, and she doesn't know how to break it to him. She says she wants to break up with him but not lose his friendship; we're worried about the way she's going about it. She's going to see him this coming weekend; we'll see how it pans out.

There are some uncomfortable weirdnesses with Lana. She loves Anne to death, and says she's happy for us - she also acts as though she's very jealous, though she denies it. This makes for some new akwardness around the house, but it's not bad and we do talk about it and are working through it.

Living arrangements in the long term are up in the air. Violet and I live together in a nice 2 bedroom condo with Lana in the spare room, Anne has her 1 bedroom apartment. Her lease is up in January, ours in March. We would all like to move in together, but exactly how and where remains to be seen. Anne has two dogs, Violet two cats, and though I adore all 4 animals, I frankly don't like having that many 4 legged friends around the house, lol. Again - a bridge to be crossed when we reach it.

So there it is. Spelled out in horrible length - sorry about that. Never have to explain anything again, just the occasional update, lol.
  #4  
Old 10-14-2009, 11:34 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Update - last night was rough, and into today - but in a good way.

After this weekend in SF with Mike, Anne came back happy as hell to see us and upset about how he acted all weekend. This triggered a long talk yesterday about that situation. After that talk, Violet and I felt good that Anne was getting it straight in her head and making her decision on how to handle it, be it stay with him but be honest, or leave us, or leave him. We thought that she'd think it over and decide what to do over teh next couple weeks and we could look forward to a resolution that would take that load off her back soon.

Well, we always say that once she makes up her mind, she makes up her mind...

We got a call from a bawling crying Anne t 1:30 this morning. Mike called, and she broke up with him, just like that. Didn't dump it on him about me (he kows about Violet), but told him that regardless of what else was going on, she knew that they weren't going to make it and that if they didn't end it now, it would end worse later. Mike did not take this well. She stuck to her guns. And called us crying afterwards. We've been taking turns leaving work on extended lunches to console her and make sure she gets to class and work okay as she's quite a mess about it, and we'll be staying over there tonight at her timid request.

So - it's a good thing, but we're going to be helping a very sad Anne for a while now. Hopefully Mike gets his around things and they can salvage the freindship they had before.
  #5  
Old 11-02-2009, 07:00 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Missed a few updates, some were good, some were bad.

Violet and I no longer have a triad.

Anne is a manipulative, lying bitch.

And that's all I have to say about that.
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Old 11-02-2009, 07:44 AM
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(((((hugs))))))))
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  #7  
Old 11-25-2009, 05:17 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
Missed a few updates, some were good, some were bad.

Violet and I no longer have a triad.

Anne is a manipulative, lying bitch.

And that's all I have to say about that.
Ouch!

Pour a nice, stiff drink or two.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
  #8  
Old 08-02-2010, 11:08 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Default HMA's Side of the Story (was "Trapped in Poly")

Oh boy.

So Violet and Lana and Adrian and I have been moving along okay, some tense times but a lot of good ones, per other posts Adrian moved in a couple weeks ago and Lana is no longer "just a friend" and is officially a "girlfriend" now - we're now about as poly as it gets in this house, save for none ofthe girls have outside interests yet.

Violet has been struggling with several personal issues of late. Without going into detail, she's been "unsure of who she is anymore" and all kinds of issues have arisen, even so far as to cause doubt on our relationship (never mind the poly ones)! Things have been worked on, but it's been a struggle for sure. The other girls have largely been helpful, though also occasionally a cause of stress as well, cuz we're a house with 4 humans in it, lol.

So now it boils down to - Violet feels teerribly threatened by Adrian, and has other issues with outr relationship as well. She's fine with Lana. But it's gotten so bad with Adrian that she says she feels sick seeing her even hug me. And they are not communicating worth a damn anymore, the tiniest conversation turns into an argument.

They got along fine 3 weeks ago.

The thing is - Violet approved Adrian and I seeing each other. Then approved adding Adrian to the relationship. Then approved moving her in. Vioet was informed of the progress between Adrian and I romantically, and was told when it was approaching the "point of no return" - and had no issues. Adrian has very few - essentially none - connections in town, no family, no real friends; she has thrown a lot in with us by moving in. She is also VERY in love with me - and WAS (would like to be still) with Violet as well. Adrians first and long awaited experience with a women was with Violet. She's also become fairly close friends with Lana. She has a kitten here, lol. Adrian isn't going to just go away - and frankly nobody but Violet wants her to.

Violet is in agony over this, and she's my soulmate. I can't bear to see her like this!

Adrian is deeply hurt by this, and is scared to death that I'm going to dump her to save Violet's heart. I am very in love with Adrian and couldn't concieve of such a thing.

All 3 women have stated their desire to be with me, to be in this household, to make everything work - but Violet, who introduced poly to all of us in the first damned place, is literally ill over this issue. And she can't figure out why - she openly admits that's it's irrational.

What do you do when everyone wants to be here and is willing to share - but one member irrationally hates another, to the detriment of all? And that member happens to be part of the "core" of the group?

She feels trapped, and we all feel scared and hurt.

Ideas?
  #9  
Old 08-03-2010, 05:00 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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MeganNow - we have spent so many hours talking about this - as a group, in pairs, one on one - that the thought of a "talk" sends us running for the hills, lol. To the point where none of the rest of us can haveserious talks right now, 'cuz we're all so burned out from the Violet talks (some of which have been 5 hours long)!

The NRE was between Adrian and I; Violet has been fairly lukewarm toward Adrian all along. Liked her plenty, unsure if she wanted to date her too, altough the option was explored, both in a surface way and physically. Violet moves VERY slowly with women, always has.

I hear you Mono, and it's killing me. But one also has to realize that Violet set this whole thing up! She did not actually pick Adrian as a potential partner - she fell into MY lap - but she approved everything every step of the way, even after Adrian moved in. This all came up at once, almost literally overnight. Moving her out is NOT an option right now; she has nowhere to go, money is very tight - and we just freakin' moved her IN a couple weeks ago, and moving sucks, lol. Oh yeah - MINOR detail - nobody WANTS her to move out.

Thanks for the replies all.

Last edited by HappiestManAlive; 08-03-2010 at 05:13 AM.
  #10  
Old 08-03-2010, 05:36 AM
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Well, since this thread is about me - I guess I should probably chime in.

The NRE between HMA and Adrian was absolutely NOT just between the two of them. Whether or not I was lukewarm the entire time, that NRE spilled out and over into HMA and I's relationship. I've been really struggling. I saw him happy. I haven't been able to single-handedly make him happy. Therefore, I got caught up in it all, seeing everyone be able to be okay for a minute. I gave her the "ok". I didn't take the time to really focus on what my issues were, which I acknowledge was my fault.

My personal issues, and my relationship issues, in my opinion were finally starting to get worked out when Lana and Adrian came along. All the NRE and conversations and drama of adding another person to the house forced that to take a backseat. It got worse. Very quickly.

Adrian has serious social anxiety, and she was unable to open herself up completely to Lana and I. That didn't start happening until after she moved in. That's a fact. She feels she tried, HMA kept trying to help us see that she was trying to open up - but frankly, Lana and I just didn't get to know her very well.

Now that she HAS opened up to me and to Lana, and HMA says they're "past the point of no return", well - jkelly is kinda right. I am really getting to know Adrian, and I really don't like her. The hardest thing for me to deal with is that she really, REALLY reminds me of HMA's ex, Symphonie. I openly stated when I met Symph that she was NOT someone I would ever seek to be friends with in the real world. Adrian is the same way. I don't understand her sense of humor, I don't understand her communication, she makes little comments and jabs that while harmless to her - really hurt me. And Lana.

Everyone in this house prodded and prodded at me to start talking. They could see my discomfort about the situation - I was trying to deal with it. When I finally started talking, MONTHS of shit spilled out. I dislike Adrian, but am trying to learn to deal with it. I mean, I like her as an acquaintance, but she's not really someone I can be close with.

My biggest struggle right now is that I don't understand how a nearly 2 year relationship can take a backseat to something that's only been around for 4 weeks. ONE MONTH. I am literally sick over this - I'm so stressed I'm sleeping all the time (and it's not quality sleep), I'm throwing up everything I eat (I've already lost several pounds), and I'm subsisting on basically cigarettes and water.

HMA thinks that I'm irrationally disliking her because of my issues of feeling threatened. I'm realizing that I dislike her, period. They were having sex tonight when I was going through a difficult time - and it made me throw up. I hate seeing her with him.

I thought HMA was the man I was going to marry. I still hope to marry him. I'm going to try to see this situation through for at least a couple weeks and try to find a comfort level, at which point we're all supposed to sit down and re-evaluate where we all are. They all (Lana, HMA, and Adrian) feel as though my mind is already made up. That I want her to leave. I'm starting to seriously see that THEY have THEIR minds made up - that she isn't going anywhere. No matter what I have to say.

Where I'm at is this:

I'm committed to really trying to get through this. I love HMA. I want him happy.

However - I'm getting to the point where I understand that three is too many. Lana and I really understand each other, and communicate very well with HMA. Adrian communicates very differently - she's "logical" to a point of being illogical.

I've been here for almost two years. I have a ring on my finger. Lana's been getting to know us for a year now. She's my best friend, and now, HMA's lover. Adrian has been here a month.

Lana and I have both expressed a dislike of the situation, and a dislike of Adrian. Lana likes her a little more than I do, but she'd rather not deal with her, especially because of what it's doing to me.

For some reason, HMA is so concerned with hurting someone that he's hurting me. HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH ADRIAN IS PAINFUL FOR ME. It's not that he picked her and I'm not okay with that, it's not that only *I* get to pick the women he's with. He picked one, the NRE spilled over, and now that we've gotten to know her - we don't like her. And apparently, he's so far past the point of no return that he's willing to not only put a 2 year relationship and engagement in jeopardy, he's also willing to lose Lana (who has openly stated that without me, she's not in this).

I was struggling with some issues, mostly personal insecurity. Adrian made these issues worse, to a point that I cannot deal with them anymore. I warned HMA that I was going to be VERY time intensive and that it was going to take a lot of work to get through this. He says he tried. I say things were just starting to get better, despite some completely unnecessary resistance from me. It's hard to admit you have a lot of problems, and ask for help working through them. Especially when you're just out of your teenage years and still have a little bit of "NO! I CAN DO IT!" leftover.

Adrian threatens me because what I feel I need is for HMA to demonstrate some understanding, and really LISTEN to the fact that I tried to like her. She tried to reach out, she tried to let me get to know her. She cries over the fact that I don't like her, and I can't help it. Sometimes, a situation is just too much. She threatens me because HMA is SO CONCERNED with not hurting her, that he's willing to hurt me. It's not her fault she is who she is, but in my personal opinion, keeping her in a situation where only one person really likes her is hurting her far more than telling her, "I'm sorry - we thought this was going to be something different. We don't all mesh. You should find a situation where you can get all the understanding, love, and attention you need."

I am very afraid that I will spend the rest of my life miserable and tenuous because of the relationship HMA and Adrian have. I don't like her, I can't deal with her. But I won't leave HMA or Lana. I love him too much. I love her too much.

Adrian is going to get hurt. Badly. I'm trying to keep an eye out for her, but it's really hard. The only reason she and I will get close is a "keep your enemies closer" situation. I am willing to try to set that aside to get to know her better, but I think I will always resent her. I'm scared I'll resent HMA for putting me through this. He said he'll resent me if I make him leave her. He also said if I leave, then his other relationships will fall apart because if he can't keep me happy, then he can't make anyone happy.

This is way too much, way too fast. I can't do this. He won't put the brakes on with her and focus on me because she has needs. I get it - but then I'm not getting what I need either and well, pardon the fuck out of me if I feel like the woman HMA plans to MARRY should come first.

I feel like he's putting 4 weeks of NRE before me. An established engagement and life together. A house together. I shouldn't have let the NRE get to me, or let my issues and insecuities go unaddressed. People make mistakes. I'm sorry for them - but at a time when I need more love, reassurance, and understanding - I'm sharing that with someone who is very needy, who HMA is still caught up in NRE with, and who he really seems to care for more than me.

I love poly. I loved the relationship Lana and HMA and I all had. She misses it. I miss it. Adrian came in during a very unstable time - and we can't deal with it. He loves her too much to let any of us go. But the feeling I have is that by forcing Adrian on us - he's pushing two of us away. I'm scared. I'm hurt. And I have no where to turn.

I either deal with it, or I leave.

Help?


I'm exhausted from crying. I can't keep taking sleeping pills to calm myself into sleep. I can't eat. I can't keep being miserable and sick. I don't want to leave, even for a few days, but I'm starting to feel out of options.

And might I just add - I know that's all just how I feel. I'm leaving stuff out. I know that. It's just how I feel. Please no one (not even you, HMA) attack me for letting my feelings out and asking, once again, for help.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 08-11-2010 at 01:29 PM. Reason: merge posts
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