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  #1  
Old 10-01-2009, 08:54 PM
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What is it with the NRE moving in together thing? I mean, why is it that people think its a good idea to move in together when they are just starting their relationships? It spells danger if you ask me.

I know I'm going to get balled out for this one, but having been on here for some time, having experienced doing this myself, having listened to others do this over and over again and it more often than not turn into disaster I wonder why people don't THINK about the possible consequences and WAIT!
We are such a society of "now," and we forget to take our time. I did the same thing with Mono. I was keen to move him in and now I see the benefit to his not living with us. I'm so glad I listened to my husband on this one and we are waiting. I am positive it has brought us the success in our relationship that we all share in. I get to have two homes, I get to spend family time and husband time at one home and close boyfriend time at another. It has meant we have space when we have issues going on and has meant that we are able to do things in our own lives on our own.Now I even fantizes about having my own place, or at least having my own room!

Sure at the beginning I was convinced I would never want to be alone, I would always want my men around. I thought it would always be sunshine and roses and had a perminant smile on my face when I had spent time with just us three being all cozy and close, but I am positive it has meant those times are more frequent. They wouldn't be if we lived together because we would be too busy doing day to day stuff. We would be together so much in an every day way that it would get lost. Or at least be lessoned.

I have been emailing with a man that used to post on here, but has been going through a really hard time in his "V" and stopped to take care of it. He moved his girlfriend in quickly and it almost immediately changed the dynamic. Now it has exploded in his face. I can't tell you how often I have heard that happen.

All I can say is... SLOW down! There is no rush! Enjoy every moment of you NRE. Beause when its over you will see clearly if its a good idea to all move in, or enjoy the space.
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  #2  
Old 10-01-2009, 09:14 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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So. Very. True!

But that's kind of what NRE is...it makes people crazy.
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Old 10-01-2009, 09:19 PM
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Wise words redpepper.

I'm thankful every day that my wife's lover is 6 hours away. We are so new to this, and I'm still mentally adjusting, that I know it would be too soon if she just up and said "here he is, lets move him in".

But surprisingly (or not) we've discussed it already, lol, just as you said, NRE causes people to think that it will be good all the time and ignore the possible bad outcomes and consequences.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.
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Old 10-01-2009, 09:33 PM
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I can't tell you how true this is. In the beginning most of us wanted to move in together as soon as we could. Circumstances didn't permit and thankfully, not all four of us were ready at the same time. Now, I see a different dynamic. I would like for us to live closer. 2 hours apart can be difficult. I can even see us living next door to each other.

Actually, that is a goal of mine. I do not think that we could live as peacefully under one roof. It would have to be a special house for that. To allow space and time away from the others. Living separately, next door, would give us each our space, a get away place and still be able to see each other in varying forms of configurations.

Hell, I'd be ok with living an hour apart I think. 2 hours makes it difficult to find times to see each other.

But I am thankful we didn't try to make a move in the beginning.

Vol
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Old 10-01-2009, 09:47 PM
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Good post Lilo! I'm enjoying the two of us creating a new space for me to move forward in life with you and our chosen family at the forefront.
I love having you visit the OH Baby!!
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Old 10-01-2009, 11:33 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Hm. This is a good topic.

I must say I have been extremely lucky because my husband moved into MY apartment after we had been together for less than six months - THEN - my mother caught cancer and we BOTH moved into HER house into MY OLD ROOM in the BASEMENT... only two months after he moved into my apt.

A very large part of the credit goes to the fact that S is extremely easy-going when it comes to minutiae. I am very minutiae-oriented, mostly because my life revolves around cats and strategically placing objects to as not to become destroyed or defiled by said cats. I REPEAT: My life revolves around cats and if everything is not JUST SO, the cats will fuck it up or ruin it. But that is the lifestyle choice I made, and the enjoyment I get out of having the cats and doing right by them equals or exceeds the enjoyment I would get out of being able to drop my stuff anywhere anytime without it getting pee or hair all over it. But I digress.

My point is that S has been the one to adjust to all these things, especially to the point where he started sleeping in another room because he's kind of allergic to the cats (not all the time, but very much so when he's trying to sleep). Plus, his snoring keeps ME awake. I guess what I am trying to say to you's is that for the long haul, it really is important that everyone have their OWN SPACE, because the novelty of "all of us cuddling in one big bed" goes away - maybe not after one or two or five years - but it does go away, and eventually what you have is a bunch of snoring and farting and nobody is well rested in the morning.

Yes, there's my pessimistic side creeping in again, but frankly, a board like this can use an injection of pessimism every now and then to keep the balance. And when you really think about it, it is NOT pessimism at all, but rather a testimony to the reality of what it takes to live with someone(s) in such a manner as not to get totally fucking SICK of each other for no good reason at all.

Having said all that, I do realize that people live together for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is to save money, which sometimes involves sacrificing space.

I can certainly think of more to say, but I have to go do other things. I promised to bring cheese and a salad to a pot-luck dinner at our last camping excursion of the season this weekend, and I must hop to.

Of course I'll be staying logged in.
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:20 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Glad I foud this thread, it's giving me a new direction to think.

Violet and I moved in almost immediately upon dating seriously, really unintentionally but nevertheless. There was adjustment, but we're better for it and can't imagine moving apart.

The situation with Anne has all three of us talking about moving into a bigger place together as soon as feasible. I'm wondering if we should, mayb people here can help us think this thorugh in this thread?

Violet has seperation anxiety. Doesn't matter if I'm with Anne or with my business partner or other friends - if I'm gone at bedtime, she starts to get a little crazy.

Added to that, Anne feels "left out" or less than equal because of the time Violet and I spend together by default; add to that Violet freaking out when I try to spend the night at Anne's, and one can see where she sometimes feels a little miffed.

This veyr subject - the time sharing, more than the moving in together, was brought up last night. The other night, I spent time with Anne and while I didn't spend the night, I was there past Violet falling asleep. And there was no drama at all. Anne and I had a beautiful time together withou interruption, and I came home to a peacefully sleeping Violet who was shamelessly happy about Anne and I having a great night, and we snugled up and had a good night's sleep. I awoke the happiest I've ever been, and Violet even woke up happy (and she is bar none the worst morning person ever born).

So what was different about that night? Violet proposed it was the quality time all three of us spent together that evening. Previous good nights/bad nights were examined, and this wasa common theme - when we spent time together, Anne and I could have time together without Violet having a hard time (Violet/Anne time isn't discussed here because it's a non-issue, I openly wish they'd spend more time together and have no issues at all with it when they do).

This led to an agreement that we would try to meet up all three of us for at least a few minutes each day - preferably for dinner or something but at least a few minutes of "catch up" time - regardless of who was spending time with who or even if all three of us were going to be together all night. Anne agreed this would help her not feel bad about taking me from Violet, and Vi agreed this would greatly reduce her anxiety when I was gone.

Which of course had all three of us lamenting the seperate apartments and wanting to hurry the move in together timeframe. Which seemed like a great idea at the time...

Thoughts?
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ourquad View Post
I can't tell you how true this is. In the beginning most of us wanted to move in together as soon as we could. Circumstances didn't permit and thankfully, not all four of us were ready at the same time. Now, I see a different dynamic. I would like for us to live closer. 2 hours apart can be difficult. I can even see us living next door to each other.

Actually, that is a goal of mine. I do not think that we could live as peacefully under one roof. It would have to be a special house for that. To allow space and time away from the others. Living separately, next door, would give us each our space, a get away place and still be able to see each other in varying forms of configurations.

Hell, I'd be ok with living an hour apart I think. 2 hours makes it difficult to find times to see each other.

But I am thankful we didn't try to make a move in the beginning.

Vol
We have discussed moving closer and now it's happened!

We live 10 minutes away from each other and Mono's new place feels more and more like my second home (even though it looks like an Ikea showroom bachelor pad).

He has included me in many decisions and is patient while I move things around and push him to add some details, such as plants and pictures on the wall.... just to balance out the exercise equipment... heh (oh I am in so much trouble....lol)

I wish it were five weeks ago when we were all confident and radiant with love for one another, husband included. I try and remember what it felt like to have our private life private from my family. We were doing so well, now we feel depleted and exhausted, not to mention battered and uncertain.... not because we think poly is wrong as a result of others views, but because of the effect it has had that others do....

This is something else to consider when moving in together is how "out" you are.... because I'm telling you, people can get gangs together over their twisted words and distorted truths about what goes on in your life. If Mono had of moved in with us I wonder if my mother would have the cops at the door accusing him of being a predator... she certainly has done her darnedest to convince just about everyone else...

Tomorrow I go right from dropping my boy off at my husbands Mum's house and straight to Mono's for some long overdue long time lovin' (it has even put pressure on us to not see each other as much) a rarity in our world... we will rise above the shit bestowed on all of us and come out strong I think. We would struggle a lot longer if we all lived together as this kind of much needed private time would just never occur if we lived together.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-02-2009 at 09:21 PM.
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  #9  
Old 10-02-2009, 02:11 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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RP, I know you know this, but that is Real Life, and grownups deal with this shit.

Having other people impose their negativity ON YOU is one of the things that has put me in my "I don't like people" mindset. If I want to be negative or cynical, I can find all that within for a lot less effort.

I have been going through this process recently where, instead of purging or avoiding all negativity, I have been embracing and exploring it. Not that I have always been all sunshine-and-roses to begin with - HARDLY. But I am no longer buying into the idea that negative thoughts or feelings are a waste of energy. DENIAL is a waste of energy; probably the only negative midset there is is DENIAL. I have heard that there are only two emotions, love and fear. I don't even think fear is a bad thing, only denial of fear.

Unfortunately, I am still in the middle of this journey and do not have sufficient vocabulary at my fingertips to do justice to a written account (yet).

I also have to start getting ready for our last camping trip this weekend
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
We have discussed moving closer and now it's happened!

We live 10 minutes away from each other and Mono's new place feels more and more like my second home (even though it looks like an Ikea showroom bachelor pad:

He has included me in many decisions and is patient while I move things around and push him to add some details, such as plants and pictures on the wall.... just to balance out the exercise equipment... (oh I am in so much trouble....lol)

.

I foresee a spanking in your future saucy woman!!...besides according to my mono friends I am basically a bachelor LOL!! They seriously don't get how much I love you and that we are in fact building a family to care for each other into the future.

As far as everything taking it's toll..we'll get through this, we've worked our way through so much already what really can stop us now
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