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Old 04-14-2011, 09:51 PM
SwtSurNdr SwtSurNdr is offline
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Default Not sure if its the right choice for us...

Hi! Where to start..? lol My bf and I have both been married 4 times.. we are great together. Like nothing before. He has brought me out of myself. Its a whole new experience. Neither of us has ever tried poly.. but we have been talking about it. I want to make sure we have a strong relationship before we even embark on something like that. I have bi tendencies, with strong male preferences tho. He is strictly straight. I think I would have a problem with him being alone with another woman... If I was involved, I would be okay with it I think... but I am not sure how the whole thing works. He wants to make things easier around the house on me.. so she would live with us. But, I am afraid I would have trouble "sharing" lol Is this something that will work its way out... something we should definitely wait on until we ARE stronger? I just dont want to blow this one. I understood where Stargazer23 was coming from... I felt that way in my marriages, but I havent yet felt that way with my bf. Im just thinking right now.. and throwing out my doubts and concerns. I can see the good in it, but I can see the bad.. from my pov. Ya'll are great.. Thanks for listening to me babble.. Will write more later. Laptop is dying! lol
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Old 04-14-2011, 10:31 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hullo and welcome!

Quote:
Originally Posted by SwtSurNdr View Post
He wants to make things easier around the house on me.. so she would live with us.
Sorry, but this was a big red flag for me. What if the woman of your collective dreams is a total slob and anti-housework? Why is importing another woman into your home necessary for you to have it easier, i.e. why can't he step up himself?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SwtSurNdr View Post
I have bi tendencies, with strong male preferences tho. He is strictly straight. I think I would have a problem with him being alone with another woman... If I was involved, I would be okay with it I think... but I am not sure how the whole thing works. But, I am afraid I would have trouble "sharing"
If you are, how should I put it, mildly bi-curious, then the odds of finding a woman you both will connect with sexually and emotionally decrease dramatically from 'not-that-great' to 'abysmal'. What is the motivation behind you considering poly? Do you only want to date single bi women as a couple (sometimes referred to as unicorn-hunting), or are you thinking of maybe getting another bf at some point?

Jealousy doesn't go away if you are both banging the same lady. Connections happen at different times, on different levels and between different people. It is more often seeing two people connect in a way that excludes you, or suspecting they might connect in a way that excludes you, that releases the green-eyed monster. Thus some folks are perfectly okay with casual sex outside of the pair bond but not comfortable with poly. Connections cannot be forced. If he wants another girlfriend why not let him pursue that and explore your own desires on your own?
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Old 04-15-2011, 03:43 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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It sounds like you are looking for a unicorn. Try doing a tag search for "unicorns" and "secondary" see what comes up. Your idea of what poly is thee most common. A lot of couples think poly would be a great idea if only they can find a woman that will agree to commit to them as a couple and be just with them, and not only that, help out and be secondary to the primary woman in the relationship... and not date anyone else. I'm not saying that you require her to fit the bill on all these point, but just saying that this is the most common idea of what poly could be.

Thing is that it rarely happens that way. There is almost never a woman that would be interested in this situation; because it is daunting and a lot of work to understand and relate to a couple that has already solidified their relationship; because they think it is fun sexually and even feel some love for both at the same time at the beginning, but when the novelty wears off they find they love only one. The "triad" breaks into a "vee," jealousy and reigns supreme and often the secondary woman is dumped because the couple find that their primary relationship is falling apart.

I would suggest looking at what it is that makes you think you would not want to share. Find our if you like women by dating some. Find a way to maintain your own independence and then go about the task of letting go of you partner so that they might find others to find love with also... this brings it back to you tenfold usually. You also could find love and bring it back to him tenfold. If you find community to be involved with you might make some friends and who knows, you might find a love that you both could share, but by seeking it out of thin air will likely be very difficult and frustrating.

I don't mean to put a downer on it all, just giving you some facts. Really if you do some reading then you will find that there is much more to it than meets the eye... others have ideas too and some here are in triads... perhaps they will chime in with how that all got started for them.
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Old 04-15-2011, 04:00 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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It's always good if you know for sure what you and your bf are ok with now. If that is a shared partner go with it. It's not the easiest thing to find but it will get you talking more and talking is important. Explore where your jealousies are coming from. Look for the root cause and see what you can do about addressing it.

Also there isn't any rush to move a new partner in. It might be an eventual goal but wait until the NRE has worn off before you even think of doing it. Also before you do anything as big as all moving in together there has to be a lot of talking about expectations and boundaries with all of you.

A lot of us started out unicorn hunting. It really isn't unusual at all. Some have even had it work for them. Please don't get sexually involved with someone your partner is interested in just to make that happen though if you don't feel the attraction. In the long run poly isn't just about getting your jollies or fulfilling your partners fantasies of two women.
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Old 04-15-2011, 07:04 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Let me get this straight. Neither of you has ever tried polyamory, but you're talking about it and the first way he wants to go about it is to move another woman in with you both, to fuck and be there to help you around the house? Do you see how crazy that sounds? (besides the fact that it sounds like you do all the work around the house. I agree with BU - why isn't he the one to help you? He lives there, too?)

Remember the person you would want to bring in is just that... a PERSON! With feelings, preferences, intellect, desires, and a history. In other words not to be used like an object or a slave.

Also, polyamory does not always mean all people involved must live together. Why would you start with that dynamic, when you've never been in a polyamorous situation before? That would be like going from zero to 100 mph in one second.


Here's what you do: Keep talking, read up about it (plenty of good books on poly are recommended on one of the stickies in this forum), and then hire a housekeeper.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-15-2011 at 07:07 AM.
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Old 04-15-2011, 10:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
If you find community to be involved with you might make some friends and who knows, you might find a love that you both could share, but by seeking it out of thin air will likely be very difficult and frustrating.

...others have ideas too and some here are in triads... perhaps they will chime in with how that all got started for them.
Yep, happened through our local poly community for me.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
...and then hire a housekeeper.
Hear hear!
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Old 04-17-2011, 04:07 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SwtSurNdr View Post
............. I want to make sure we have a strong relationship before we even embark on something like that. I have bi tendencies, with strong male preferences tho. He is strictly straight. I think I would have a problem with him being alone with another woman... If I was involved, I would be okay with it I think... but I am not sure how the whole thing works.
Hi Swt,

Well, I'm a late comer to this thread so if I say something already said - spank me for being too lazy to read.

All I'm going to touch on is the above quote.

You need to answer the question HONESTLY for yourself about WHY you being there would be different than you NOT being involved.

Once you have the truthful answer to that you'll understand more of your true personality and insecurities.

Because it shouldn't matter !

Dig deep.

GS
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