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Old 09-29-2009, 08:27 AM
live4themusic live4themusic is offline
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Default My belief in polyamory may have destroyed the best relationship i have ever had.

I am coming here for help because I am pretty distraught over this situation. I have been seeing this girl (for the sake of this post, I will call her Mary) for about 5 months. I love her very much, and I believe she loves me as well.

We just started seeing a relationship counselor 2 weeks ago, because of our fighting and our relationship issues. The reason she gave me for not being able to remain in a relationship with me is the possibility that I might want to see other girls (which we talked about in the last appointment).

I have never cheated on her, or even expressed any interest in another girl as long as I have been with Mary. I did sleep with another girl while I was out of town within a month of dating, when it was still an open relationship. We broke up for a day, and I told her I would be willing to commit to not having sex with anyone else unless she was comfortable with the situation and I had her approval, and also, it was within the context of a romantic interest.

I haven't had any prospects in anyone I would be even interested in casually dating since then. In fact, it's extremely rare for me to connect with anyone the way I do with her. Rare as in, I've really only been in 2 other semi-serious relationships, and neither of those seemed as mature to me as my relationship with Mary has. I have a lot of points of compatibility that are important to me that are rare for anyone to meet.

Nevertheless, I have a hard time deciding that I could close myself off to the possibility of loving someone else just because I love Mary. I've told her this has nothing to do with her, that it's just the way I believe in relationships. She has told me she's not comfortable with this and we broke up today because of it.

I am having a really hard time accepting this situation. Should I compromise my beliefs in polyamorous potential in order to mend my relationship with Mary, or would that just be setting us up for disaster down the line? Should I just get over her and hope that I might one day meet someone else I could love as much as I love her (which at this point seems kind of hopeless to me)?

Please help me out because I don't know anyone who shares my beliefs in polyamory, and it seems like everyone my age in my part of the world is just really immature as far as relationships and emotions are concerned.
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Old 09-29-2009, 01:45 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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It sounds like you can eithr have pain now or pain in the future. I have noticed that since monogamy is assumed, it is more likely for someone to go from monogamy to polyamory. It is rare to go the opposite. (Though it does happen.) It sounds like you have tried to make it work so she could be comfortable with the idea without putting too much pressure. However, it sounds like she doesn't like the long term concept.

All i can suggest is that you can try to get her to check out polyamory with an open mind. Maybe chat on a forum or find a good book. But if she thinks she will be unhappy, it may be best if it goes no further than it has. You are not limiting your love. She is just drawing a boundary and limiting hers.
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Old 09-29-2009, 02:43 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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BrotherMan, you have to be true to yourself. Mary has to be true to herself.

If you are truly poly-oriented (and only you can know this), and she truly cannot accept that aspect of who you are (and only she can know that), the choice becomes then, how much of yourself are you willing to repress for the sake of this relationship.

I cannot pretend to know what you should do, but I can say what I think I would do in that situation. I would take my broken heart and sadly walk away. I choose to be fully who I am, and I want my loved ones to be fully who they are, whether we are together or apart.

Whatever you decide, I wish both you and Mary the very best.
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Old 09-29-2009, 04:17 PM
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greenearthal greenearthal is offline
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It sounds like she is truly, unfailingly monogamous. It also sounds like you have been extremely mature and open about your inclinations and desires (which are polyamorous).

So it sounds like the only place where you can exist romantically is back where you were, in a defacto monogamous relationship with you being open and honest about your polyamorous beliefs.

So, the real question is how long do you think you could be happy in a defacto monogamous relationship. Maybe you love her so much that you would actually be happy being a "polyamorous martyr" of sorts. Willing to be defacto monogamous for the love of a woman, but still being a polyamorous person and espousing a belief in polyamory. Or maybe you would grow bitter with that over time. Only you can really figure that out.

I think a lot of us can feel your pain. There are many people here who, to varying degrees, relate to being surrounded by poly intolerance. Maybe you feel so strongly about polyamory that you eventually want to live in Seattle or San Francisco or some other community where poly-friendly attitudes are easier to find.

Again, only you can tell you how strongly you feel in one direction or another.
me n the band, singin our song
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Old 09-29-2009, 08:25 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I am having a really hard time accepting this situation. Should I compromise my beliefs in polyamorous potential in order to mend my relationship with Mary, or would that just be setting us up for disaster down the line? Should I just get over her and hope that I might one day meet someone else I could love as much as I love her (which at this point seems kind of hopeless to me)?

I feel compelled to respond. I compromised my beliefs for my now husband 11 years ago. It HAS been a disaster. I love him, he loves me. We have children and we're both great parents. But in giving up such an integral part of myself I lost something that made me the vibrant woman he fell in love with. Here we are 11 years later in counseling, wondering if we can salvage our relationship and step one was me accepting that I CAN NOT be a monogomous person in my mind just because he wants me to.

It wasn't enough for him that I agreed not to practice poly relationships, he wanted me to stop FEELING that they are ok, BELIEVING that they are ok. I couldn't-so I quit talking about it and ultimately quit talking about a lot of things-because my views on LOTS of topics were affected by the poly beliefs I hold and vice versa.

Ultimately it has caused resentment. Now he's stuck deciding if he can deal with the REAL me and we already have 11 years of responsibilities behind us-so it's not as easy a break if he decides he can't.

I would advise that it's NEVER a good idea to compromise anything that is integral to your personality in order to be with someone. Sometimes love IS NOT enough. You can love someone and not BE with them and sometimes that is preferable!
Compromises should be limited to things that don't destroy your basic self. If you start breaking down your basic self you are also destroying the person that the other person loves and it's just one huge boiling disaster!
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 09-30-2009, 03:18 AM
live4themusic live4themusic is offline
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Thanks to everyone for their input.

I have gotten more comfortable with the situation and am hoping we are going to be able to remain friends for right now at least.

I have considered myself polyamorous for the past 4 years, but never actually put it to practice, i've never dated more than 1 person at a time. But it's still the principle of it for me. I don't know if I could give up on that possibility.. that nagging suspicion, that maybe, MAYBE i'll meet someone else who I love the very same way I already love this person I'm already with. Considering I have only felt romantic love 3 times in my life, and when I am already with one girl I end up spending so much of my time with her I am partially closed off from the rest of the world, it seems unlikely I would meet someone else I might be interested in seriously while in an already serious relationship.

Now, sex, that's a COMPLETELY different matter. I am much more likely to feel a strong sexual connection with a much greater scope of women. At the same time, that's something I can ignore if I'm happy in a relationship and focus on pleasing and being pleased by the person (or people if it ever came to it) in the relationship I am in.

I'm seriously considering making the first move, offering up my polyamorous ideals for another chance at a relationship. But while I'm single again for now I'm determined to enjoy some casual sex at the moment, while I make sure I'm completely ready to make this kind of commitment.

LovingRadiance, just out of curiousity, what exactly was the start of the discontent between you and your husband? I mean what brought you to counseling in the first place? What convinced you to try a sexually and romantically exclusive relationship? Do you think if you had stood your ground then you would have been able to stay with your now-husband in a nonmonogamous relationship? Was the happiness you've enjoyed with him worth the potential happiness with other people you may have missed out on?

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I may still have to learn the lesson you've learned at the cost of 11 years of your life the hard way though. Like I said I'm still deciding, and am determine at least to take advantage of the situation to indulge my sexual wild side, but I'm seriously thinking I could very well be happy in a permanent monogamous relationship.
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Old 09-29-2009, 02:34 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by live4themusic View Post
I am having a really hard time accepting this situation. Should I compromise my beliefs in polyamorous potential in order to mend my relationship with Mary, or would that just be setting us up for disaster down the line? Should I just get over her and hope that I might one day meet someone else I could love as much as I love her (which at this point seems kind of hopeless to me)?

Going against your nature is definitely a road to disaster and more than one broken heart down the line. Do not deny your heart! Get over her in a romantic sense but if there was a good friendship there it would be worth salvaging wouldn't it?

Relationships don't have to be all or nothing. Lots of people survive break-ups and remain friends. Of course there are others that end peacefully and just drift apart and then others that are transformed from love to hate.

If she will be living in fear of even the possibility for you falling in love with someone else, it will be next to impossible for her to move forward. Make sure she is honest with herself when the moment of what next comes up. If she denies her heart disaster will also likely follow and you both could be a lot deeper in love.

Take care

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 10-09-2009 at 05:58 PM.
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Old 10-01-2009, 10:30 PM
secondchance secondchance is offline
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Posts: 15

This whole thread really was wonderful to read.

I am new to poly as well but I can relate to so much of it, expecially the first few posts. My advice is, if you truly are poly and she truly is mono, it may be best to end it now. Don't put aside your feelings,

My gf and I discussed poly because I was interested a few years ago, and she was not receptive to the idea at all. The resentment grew, I stayed with her, and am now finally about to break up with her. The unhappiness of these past few years was really unnecessary and maybe I should have gone through with it then. Now I have let things go way too far and am now about to lose one of my very best friends.

I know the idea of losing someone you love is scary, but the longer you let it go to worse it will get. You can't pretend to be someone else because of someone.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:08 AM
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Legion Legion is offline
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I just lived this, and am still living it. For the full story (in progress) check out my tale in... General Discussions I think?

My conclusive decision is... there are no bad decisions. Indeed if I had just said "Okay, you're mono, I'm poly, let's not get into this, it sounds like trouble." then I would have spared us a lot of heartache, sleepless nights, endless writing, arguements and outside debate to name a few aspects. But then again, we would have also missed out on what I believe for both of us has been the closest relationship so far in each of our limited lifetimes, learning about ourselves and each other, being challenged to understand ourselves and each other. Adversity brings on great things and I would not go back and retract my decision at all.

I'm not saying your relationship is doomed; I'm not saying it will work. I'm saying if you take the difficult road and approach it with a sensible head, you will learn and grow no matter what the outcome. Avoid conflict and you learn nothing but how to avoid conflict.
Often he had been often bound with fetters and chains, and the chains had been rent asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces: neither could any man tame him...and he asked him, What is thy name? And he answered, saying, My name is Legion: for we are many.
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