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Old 04-10-2011, 01:27 AM
Nymf Nymf is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
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Default 'Strings attached'

I am quite in over my head, obsessively thinking about my new 'friend' whom I don't even know what to call exactly.

I have a boyfriend for almost two and a half years, I love him to death, but we are travelling apart a lot so often we have a LDR and we are considering polyamory, taking it slowly because we are both a little afraid and also actually quite jealous. I am the most adventurous partner.

I've had an 'affair', well, I've slept with a male friend a few weeks ago under the impression that it would be ok since my boyfriend and I had agreed to be open while he living abroad for a few months. But I didn't really keep to the agreement properly, I did not tell him beforehand as we agreed but afterwards.

So he slept with a woman in return, as a sort of 'revenge', even though he did have warm feelings for her. Thankfully (for my emotional state) it was a one-time thing.

For me however, sleeping with my friend was not a one-time thing, at least, I've fallen in love with him, or basically just being in this terrible ephedrine-rush all the time when I'm not with him. When I am with him I feel very good, comfortable, we have a great time together doing everything and seeing each other practically as much as we can, while not having sex. Because this would hurt my boyfriend and it is not yet part of our agreement. I want to stay in relationship with my darling boyfriend, I really do, and that's why I want to take it slowly so I don't hurt him and we can try to establish a basis so he will be comfortable with it.

The situation however is way more complicated than I have ever wanted it to be. My male friend that I slept with is connected to my circle of friends. Two of my girlfriends have slept with him years ago and one even a few months ago. They both were one night stands. They are both slightly vexed. One of them is practically enemies with the guy, both of them claim the other treated her/him very badly. She was very angry with me for sleeping with him, even though it was all years ago and he seems to have changed a lot for good. I don't want to ruin my friendship with her, but it seems to me (also she knows in some way) that it is not truly her business. He treated her badly (and she probably did some things too) but I have a totally different relationship with him, I've known him for many years and he has always been kind to me. My other friends say that it's not really her business in a way what I do with him, but I feel sad that she is hurt by my love (actually!) for him.

The other girlfriend who slept with him recently didn't seem to mind much, at first, even suggesting we have a threesome... I've been attracted to her for a long time sexually as well. So we did. In a moment of confusion I "broke up" with my boyfriend, saying that I couldn't promise to do nothing with my sexual desires at the moment -- that I knew that I had to make some mistakes in learning how to "control" my lust. The menage a trois was horrible. Because of the weird status of my relationships with my boyfriend and my male friend, my deep and obsessive feelings for this guy I was too shy to really engage him sexually a lot, while she was not too shy. She jumped on him and I felt very much left out.. She turned out to be way more heterosexual, while in the events leading to the threesome she was being more physical with me, but in bed she and I just spent a little time together and then we both focussed on the guy. It was awful, like some bad porn movie!!!!! Also because I felt she was not really feeling it herself, but just pleasing him. It felt like we were COMPETING, which I refuse to do! To me sex is a sacred and loving act, an exchange, to be shared from feelings and lust and not to be used to gratify self-esteem. It felt very much like this to me..

Afterwards I started to be afraid that she would want to continue to have sex with him, while I was still having lots of feelings for him and confused about our relationship. Even though - all the while I have a boyfriend! So I talked to her about all this, it was quite scary in a way and it still is. She resented the idea of not being able to further sleep with him, but I asked her because of my feelings for him (which she claims she has not) if she could try not to have sex with him until things are clearer for me. We still have to talk good about this.. I don't want to lose her as a friend and I don't want things getting too messy!

I don't want to ruin my friendships nor my relationship, but I am so f-cking attracted to the guy. I'm trying to channel my sexual desire for him in other ways, so we are having a lot of fun together, laughing, being creative, but I just keep on having this epehedrine rush (like natural high) but also obessive thinking and confusion. I want this situation to end in a way, but I don't know how..! I can ask my boyfriend for permission to have sex with him, or to kiss him, actually which would be more the next step, even though we've already slept with each other once when it was not agreed upon.

How do I deal with this? I love all these people, my female friends, my boyfriend, this male friend too and I just want them all to get along and I want to respect their feelings, but I really just want to be intimate with him. I've been very clear and open to my boyfriend and my male friend. My boyfriend is open to polyamory as a concept but is afraid of the jealousy. My male friend feels the same way as I do and would like a 'friends with benefits' sort of thing, but he wants me to respect my relationship, because he knows I love my boyfriend deeply..

In a way it is a perfect situation, in a way it is dreadful situation. What should I do? Is it normal for me to ask my 'friend with possible future benefits' not to sleep with my close female friend? Even in a relationship where there is the claim of ' no strings attached', in this case, there are WAY too many strings attached to my liking anyway, it's still possible to talk about boundaries and agree on things, right? To me it feels my close friends are offlimits to ongoing love-affairs. And how do I focus on my primary relationship and take the next step....? I am ashamed in way to go through this, I would like to be able to just let go of my feelings and focus on other things.

Or also: How do I deal with this feeling of being in love if I want to end it? Because I might just want to be friends with him, ok, it would be the most harmonious for my boyfriend, my friends, myself maybe (perhaps I could see him as a scary guy because he treated my girlfriends in a weird way - both of them by the way)
But I trust him, I see myself in him and I really -really care about him and I know he cares about me too, it's just this unspoken (and spoken) communication and natural closeness between us that is so beautiful. I would love to become even more comfortable with him, like being really tender with him and kind, without the fear of edging into sex which I don't want to do because I want to be faithful to my boyfriend (keeping my promises- this time ). Being able to have sex would allow me to be more intimate with him. I'd just love so much to have an intimate friendship with him.

How do I deal with competition that does not emanate from myself, but from a friend. She is younger and less experienced than me, is single and claims not to be in love but I feel her self-esteem is fragile and that she uses sex for gratification of this. I want to guide her, to love herself more and be her own lover, but she might not be open to the depth of my 'teachings' I'd love to show her how I deal with intimacy with myself and how sex can be sacred (not necessairly by having sex with her, but I wouldn't mind either.)

Am I totally setting myself up for disaster and am I mad? :-) I think I might be going mad due to the rush of hormones, damn those hormones!!!

Last edited by Nymf; 04-10-2011 at 02:19 AM.
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Old 04-10-2011, 04:53 PM
ImaginaryIllusion's Avatar
ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,945

You have a lot of stuff going on here, and I wish I had some way to address more of your questions specifically. But for now I think I'll just make a couple comments to call it like I see it, and let you answer some of the resulting questions yourself.

1) Getting involved with those in a close circle of friends is risky business. There's a lot more interpersonal dynamics already established, and far more connections than if you just met the guy somewhere else. You're already seeing some of that.
That's not to say it's impossible, but it can be tricky...and for my circle of close friends, I'm back to saying that I've never seen a relationship that started inside the circle turn out well (the last inter-circle couple just divorced last year).
At any rate, poly is pretty complicated most days...so trying to manage your circle of friends with it at the same time...that's just extra complication.

2) You're fwb, boy toy, whatever friend you want to call him...it doesn't sound as if you have a whole lot of grounds to start dictating his activities... not in the way you and your bf have, where there are some negotiated boundaries. Do you really want to try putting reigns on your FWB and your female friend? Is it reasonable to expect them to play along?

3) You seem to overall be playing slave to your hormones. I often see excuses made about "I know I shouldn't have slept with them, but I couldn't help it", "I can't choose who I fall in love with", "I didn't mean to sleep with them, it was an accident!"...
Yes, many people have little control of their emotions, and less control over the hormone cocktails which frequently lead to poor decision making and give us NRE brain.
But at the end of the day, do you really want your life to be ruled by your heart? Or your head? It's not actually a binary choice, it can be both. The trick it to get your head and heart reading off the same song sheet, and that's where I most often find harmony.
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

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Old 04-10-2011, 06:42 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Well, if this were me I would avoid him entirely until I gain some perspective and don't let hormones dictate my course of action. It sounds like there is way too much at stake to be messing around with him. I would wonder how much of your feelings are desire rather than love. It doesn't sound like he is all that interested in love anyway if he sleeps around with a lot of your girlfriends. Is it really worth losing their friendship? I also wonder what it is that went on that makes them hate him now. If a bunch of your girlfriends hate this man now, I think I would want more information on that. You could also get hurt by him.
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Old 04-10-2011, 07:26 PM
Nymf Nymf is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 8

Thanks a lot for your reply. I know exactly what you mean and I want to learn definitely: How do I gain control over my hormones? Stop seeing him? That sounds reasonable. I am definitely a slave to my hormones atm and I want to learn how not to be. Is there some tagsearch on this? I can tell it is very much desire and it would be great to be less affected by it. I am basically spinning out of control due to desire and though I am grateful to myself I am not acting on it, I'd love to learn how to take charge of my life again. The thing is: atthe moment this friend and we share a great number of interests, maybe it's due to my obsession but he inspires me. Anyway I still think I need to get my feet on solid ground again and tame my dark desires. Any tips for that?
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Old 04-10-2011, 07:40 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Hullo and welcome!

Do a tag search on NRE. Distance helps me a lot; not just physical but also virtual distance. Lose his number for a while!

Ask your girlfriend if she would want you as her lover. For me, threesomes definitely work best with the 'each in their own turn' principle, not simultaneously everyone jumping each other. If she is only mildly bi-curious, making out might be just the extent of what she desires with another woman, though.
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:56 AM
Nymf Nymf is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 8

The thing is we are both just hanging around each other like moths to a flame. Doing anything but having physical intimate contact, which could lead into sex. We have nice conversations and it thrills me being with him, I feel very good and comfortable with him, but when we are apart the ephedrinerush kicks in. It's annoying to have to let it go. Why do things seem so more attractive when they are 'forbidden' in a way? We have a great intellectual click (or this could be NRE speaking) and we have known each other for many years although never so close as now. He's not really part of the inner circle of friends but more on the outskirts. What do I do? Desire seems so nice to give into as well. I understand how my friends had bad experiences with him, he has a certain way of presenting himself which is quite provocative. Not badintentioned I think though, more just blunt and brazenly honest. That is what I like about him. Hard to decide this..
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