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Old 04-06-2011, 04:29 PM
Confused1 Confused1 is offline
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Question New...ish?

I have a habit of writing Great Walls of text so I will attempt to keep this as brief as possible.

I have been married to a man for 8 years who introduced me to being poly. This has always meant him dating, flirting, and having sexual dalliances with others. Not me. PLEASE don't misunderstand, I am 100% free to pursue any other relationship I choose, I do want to, and he encourages me to get out there and try!

I love the idea of poly, I love what it represents. But I just don't think I know how to do it. In the 8 years I have been poly, I have slept with another woman twice and both times she was a girlfriend of my husband's first. My husband has been on countless dates and forged several relationships. I feel it is necessary to point out that I do not feel left out, I do not feel jealous, I do not feel as though I am still secretly mono. He still gives me quality time, love, affection, and attention to keep me satisfied. I just don't know how to be poly, I guess! No one ever seems to be interested in me "that way," at least, no one I have ever been able to tell. I have been introduced to poly people who have "amazing" energy and who, I have been told, can bring out the seducer in anyone. Nothing ever comes of it. I've been to poly gatherings and put on my bravest face and tried to meet people, yet nothing comes.

I guess deep down I worry that this means I am unattractive, but at the same time, if I were that much of a troll how would I have bagged the wonderful husband that I did? Besides, I have seen people of all types, shapes and sizes at poly meetings happy with multiple partners, and their attractiveness or lack thereof doesn't seem to be an issue.

I'd love some advice...thanks in advance to anyone who read this and wants to comment. Please ask me questions if you can think of any -- perhaps I am doing something wrong? Thanks!
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Old 04-06-2011, 05:11 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused1 View Post
I love the idea of poly, I love what it represents. But I just don't think I know how to do it. [...] No one ever seems to be interested in me "that way," at least, no one I have ever been able to tell. I have been introduced to poly people who have "amazing" energy and who, I have been told, can bring out the seducer in anyone. Nothing ever comes of it.
I know...ish how you feel: I created a new poly definition for myself:
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
Yeti: a person who is totally in favour of polyamory, sees it as an ideal, a principle... but who (for whatever reason) hasn't actually got any sexual relationships going. (The yeti wanders in the snow alone, allowing (???) him/herself to be glimpsed occasionally, but hasn't made it into civilisation yet.) I know of one example: me. [See "Polyamorous and celibate"]
But I wanted to write something else here: This is not a competition. Neither to see who can start relationships faster, nor to see who can have the most relationships. And certainly not to determine "Who's the poly-est of us all?"

Poly isn't about swinging: it's about quality relationships. Just because you're poly and there are other polys out there, doesn't mean that you're weird if something doesn't happen right away.

My advice (you did ask for advice, didn't you?): Don't go out looking for a relationship just to prove that you're poly. But if you do fall in love (and it happens to even us Yetis now and then), go for it!

p.s. On that "Polyamorous and celibate" linked in the 2nd quote, I wrote about a time that I was made to feel unlovable and unattractive (so I do know about this aspect of your doubt). But it wore off... Important is that you feel good about yourself: that you love yourself.

All the best!
the house Yeti
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Old 04-06-2011, 09:08 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I don't know if this helps, as I am not sure if you are saying you are meeting people you LIKE and WANT to date, but just not able to let them know this.

If OKcupid has people in your area, that might be a good place to start - if you are feeling brave enough to just send brief messages to people you might find interesting, it is much easier after a couple of messages back and forth to ask about going out for coffee, and if that goes well and you want to get to know them more, move up to lunch or dinner.

I am not so good at meeting people in groups, and I find it far easier on OKcupid, because it is at least somewhat obvious that you are meeting this person because you might be interested in dating. In social events I don't find it easy to let somebody know if I am interested, so if they don't happen to be extroverted, assertive AND interested in me, I would likely never have the chance to see if something could happen from it.

Might just be a good starting place to hone your flirting skills, though I know OKcupid isn't for everybody.
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Old 04-07-2011, 08:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
...so if they don't happen to be extroverted, assertive AND interested in me, I would likely never have the chance to see if something could happen from it.
Totally identify with this!

Welcome, Confused, and you are not alone like you probably noticed. A bit more background info might be useful for advice;

1) I gathered you are bisexual. Are you primarily interested in men or women? Would you date a man if somesuch came along, or does hubby atm fill that place in your life?
2) Why didn't the sleepovers with the two women lead into relationships, or did they? Meeting new partners through existing partners I think is quite common in poly circles, so there is nothing less poly about that if your husband 'got to them first'.
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Old 04-08-2011, 03:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I
If OKcupid has people in your area, that might be a good place to start -
I met my current girlfriend on okcupid, but she is the only person I met from that site and I had an active profile for....don't remember how long but it was at least 6 months and maybe a year.
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Old 04-07-2011, 09:38 AM
Temptress Temptress is offline
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I know this is a bit out of the box but... When I was reading the description of your situation it made me wonder about body language.
Sometimes when I am nervous or feeling unsure of myself my body language becomes very closed and defensive. It's not even something that I consciously intend to do and sometimes it does put people off. So what I did was read up about it and start correcting myself when I was throwing out the "wrong" signals and using more open body language.
Although it definitely didn't instantly put a relationship in my lap, it did make it easier for me to read others and for others to see that I wasn't actually closed to them.
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Old 04-07-2011, 09:53 AM
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I don't think that's of the mark at all, Temptress. I've been told I can be very good in sending a full-body message of 'Please please don't talk to me'.
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Old 04-07-2011, 12:02 PM
Temptress Temptress is offline
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It's just hard sometimes to express ourselves in more ways than one. Especially at the same time.

I also totally agree with MrFarFromRight's suggestion of David Beaird's Scorchers.
I also have a nifty E-book someone sent me a while back called "Teach Yourself Body Language". I can't remember who it is by, but it was really helpful.
*Edit*
I just remembered that it is by Gordon Wainright.
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Last edited by Temptress; 04-07-2011 at 12:19 PM. Reason: Temporary Memory Failure.
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Old 04-08-2011, 03:39 AM
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Lots of women have a hard time with this. I have women friends who just do not believe in asking anyone out, and that they should wait to be asked out. Or they just feel at a loss as to how to go about it, or they think they're going to look foolish, or be rejected. It seems to be very deeply ingrained in them that they just can't do it, and that they cannot bring themselves to be seen as in the position of someone who is "looking."

Years ago, during my pre-married single days, I had a dry spell. When I realized that I really wanted to get back in the game, I gave myself a little visualization to do: I imagined myself with a neon sign above my head that flashed the word, "AVAILABLE." It really gave me a sense of confidence to "proclaim" that for myself, in a way. It changed things -- along with my telling everyone I knew to go ahead and fix me up on dates, and doing personal ads (we didn't have OKC back then), talking to guys I happened to meet in the subway, the laundromat, post office, etc. I let everywhere be an opportunity, not just the typical gatherings.

Maybe you could use a boost of confidence or find a new perspective on looking at things, and you don't need to limit yourself to people who are already poly.
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Old 04-07-2011, 10:29 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Temptress View Post
I know this is a bit out of the box but... When I was reading the description of your situation it made me wonder about body language.
Sometimes when I am nervous or feeling unsure of myself my body language becomes very closed and defensive. It's not even something that I consciously intend to do and sometimes it does put people off. So what I did was read up about it and start correcting myself when I was throwing out the "wrong" signals and using more open body language.
Although it definitely didn't instantly put a relationship in my lap, it did make it easier for me to read others and for others to see that I wasn't actually closed to them.
I don't think that this is out of the box at all. How we feel about ourselves
Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused1 View Post
No one ever seems to be interested in me "that way," at least, no one I have ever been able to tell. [...] I guess deep down I worry that this means I am unattractive [...] I have seen people of all types, shapes and sizes at poly meetings happy with multiple partners, and their attractiveness or lack thereof doesn't seem to be an issue. [...] perhaps I am doing something wrong? Thanks!
gets converted into signals that other people do pick up on... and often become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Confused1, I've re-read your opening post and (this time) paid more attention to the words "I do want to". My first comment here emphasised the "don't worry if it doesn't happen" / "don't try too hard" aspect, because I think that if you see it as a test that you're failing, you're only going to spiral into more self-doubt.

So let me amend my advice to: "First love yourself. See yourself as attractive, worthy of love, able to give love [something I doubted about myself for a while after the experience mentioned in the linked thread]. Relax. Don't worry if it doesn't happen. Consider [as Temptress points out] the signals that you're sending out. If you feel like hunting, do it with confidence*. If you don't feel like hunting, don't feel badly about yourself or about your commitment to polyamory."

* Do you like films? See if you can find a DVD of David Beaird's "Scorchers". In my opinion, an under-rated jewel. Watch the before/after difference in Talbot, the wife who's upset because her husband has lost sexual interest in her (and her husband's before/after attitude). [Personally speaking, not my favourite** part of this film . But perhaps to the point here.]

** That's the "opening monologue by [Jumper] that was absent from the original VHS release", but restored in the DVD version, with a runner-up of Bear's and Howler's arriving at an agreement. [Personally speaking...]
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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