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Old 04-06-2011, 04:27 PM
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Smile The Yellow House

When I was little, I had a dream about this house. It was big and yellow with hardwood floors. There were lots of windows and it was always a place of calm and beauty. As I've gotten older, I feel like I've missed the mark in terms of what I always wanted out of life.

I'm currently working through a nasty break up and while it was devastating, it's provided me the perfect opportunity to rebuild all the things that aren't working for me. For the last month or so, I'd been seriously depressed to the point of feeling like there was no way to create the future I want. Last week, I had a total meltdown and a few of my friends spent the night talking me out of my hopelessness. The last week has gone by so slowly but I'm starting to function more normally and feel optimistic about the future.

Just knowing that people really cared about what happens to me was huge! They've been so supportive, checking in with me and encouraging me to get back into the stuff I love. I've been training martial arts more and I had really missed it! I reconnected with my teacher and told her how depressed I'd been and about my melt down.

As much as I'm still heartbroken, part of me feels like I was set free. Free to enjoy friendships with whomever I please and free to find relationships that don't make me feel like I have to hold back.
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Old 04-07-2011, 03:23 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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My 3 year old has been talking about buying a yellow house for a year now.

I'm glad you are looking at the positive side of your heartbreaking circumstances.
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Old 04-07-2011, 03:56 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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Ray,

I'm really sorry things have gotten worse for you. I'm glad that you have been able to go back to training. I'm also thrilled that your friends are showing you that they are YOUR friends, not just because they are O's friends who tolerate you hanging around because of O.

If you'd like to get together again for coffee, just let me know. I enjoyed talking with you and would love to do it again.
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Old 04-08-2011, 03:26 AM
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@ LR - your son sounds like a smart one. Yeah, it's nice to emerge from the fog at last.

@ Hannahfluke - Thanks! I'd love to get together again. I'll PM you.

At the beginning of this week, I got so excited to train that I think I overdid it. Right now, I'm very, very sore. All those random muscles I haven't used it awhile. On Wednesday, I worked with a different guy who does MMA and we had a great time. He was great to train with! I feel like a learned a lot. We did some groundwork but didn't think about the fact that we were on carpet. So, I have some rug burn. Lol. I had Tylenol for dessert tonight. I'm also thinking about checking out Kali, which is a Filipino weapons-based art.

Today, I was waiting for class and I got lost in a train of thought about O. I still feel so vulnerable and hurt about what happened I'm glad that I decided to cut off contact for awhile. It's allowed me to get stable and start letting go. I'm really nervous about reintegrating him back into things. Given how training works, I can't avoid him forever. Given how he acted, I don't trust him and he tends to be rather manipulative. So I'm thinking that when I return to training where he is present that it's best if we only interact as absolutely necessary. I'm just getting to a point where I can say, I don't need him to accomplish my goals or be happy in life. I don't want him to swoop in and destroy that.

For so many years, I've tried so hard to be capable and independent but, really, I have no idea what I'm doing. There's all this aspects of me that feel not in control and afraid and uncertain. I've been working on trying to establish some internal leadership(?). As much as this has been a rough process, I'm glad that I'm working on this now as opposed to 20 years in the future.

Things have been trending up ever since my breakdown. Maybe it was what I needed to jump start recovery. Like, I'm still down a lot but I feel like life is worth living and there are things to look forward too. And I know that people care. That is probably the most important thing. I'm kind of glad I did break down, otherwise I'd probably still be isolating myself and feeling incredibly miserable.

This weekend, I have a couchsurfer coming. He's staying for three nights, so I hope he's an interesting person. Otherwise it will be a very interesting weekend.
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Old 04-09-2011, 03:46 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
Today, I was waiting for class and I got lost in a train of thought about O. I still feel so vulnerable and hurt about what happened I'm glad that I decided to cut off contact for awhile. It's allowed me to get stable and start letting go. . . . I'm thinking that when I return to training where he is present that it's best if we only interact as absolutely necessary. I'm just getting to a point where I can say, I don't need him to accomplish my goals or be happy in life. I don't want him to swoop in and destroy that.
Okay, erase from your mind that he even has one iota of power that he could possibly knock you off your center. Don't let him have that much authority in your life. If you continue to do what you need to do to heal and gain strength, making decisions to take care of you, finding your freedom, he won't be able to swoop in and destroy anything. Sure, you may have to set up some boundaries, but you don't have to hide out or harbor fears of him getting to you. It sounds like you are on your way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
For so many years, I've tried so hard to be capable and independent but, really, I have no idea what I'm doing.
Amen, sister. I'll let you in on a secret. Nobody knows what the fuck we're doing, really. We just get good at the stuff we practice, just like your training. So, with each relationship, you get to know yourself more, and learn how to communicate, but we all have doubts about doing it right (doing relationships right, doing life right, whatever) at some point or another. Does that mean our doubts about ourselves are true? Nah. Just keep moving and being kind to yourself, finding solace in your friendships, and know you're doing great.

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Old 04-09-2011, 05:30 PM
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@ Indie - Thanks, I'm working on the boundaries part. It's much easier when he's not around. In a few weeks, though I'll have to start seeing him again. I know it'll be harder then. He's pretty manipulative and he knows my weaknesses. I keep imagining Gandalf in the scene in Moria. Where he's like Yoouuu shall not passsss! lol I just wish I had a cool staff and could make him fall into a giant abyss where we then do great battle. And I win.

The last day or two has been tough. I have been missing him and who I thought he was. Just blue and down. No matter how many things I can list about how he's kind of an asshole or the relationship wasn't working, I'm still in love with him. This morning I'm feeling a little better. The couch surfer is pretty cool, we had a good conversation last night about health, food and various other issues in the world. And a marion berry pie. My dinner last night was tater tots and pie. Definitely comfort food.

And I found out this morning that my therapist is going out of town for awhile. (eek) So today we're going to make arrangements for me. I don't know how long she's going to be gone. I'm hoping it's not more than a few weeks. I get the feeling that I'm higher on the list of her patient in terms of being high-risk. She tends to do more counseling orientated helping people find themselves as opposed to more clinical stuff. Guess that makes me high maintenance.

On top of everything, it's the end of the semester so I've got a lot of school work to do. And while I was super-depressed and suicidal, I didn't do much homework, so I'm very behind. I'll be glad when the semester is over. I think I finish up at the beginning of May, almost there! And I really need to clean my room. I spent about 10 minutes picking some stuff up. I don't think I've bothered to pick up anything in almost 2 months. It'd be nice if I could push pause on life while I catch up.

Next weekend, there might be an orange belt test for two women that I train with and I feel like I really want to be there to support them. Not a lot of women test and so it's an important occasion. But I know that O will be there and I'm not sure I'm ready to jump that hurdle yet. I just feel bad letting R and D down but they don't know about the relationship. Hmmmmm...

I think I'm going to buy sneakers today. I have wrestling shoes for training and skate shoes that are kind of sneakers but they're not good for running. I'm thinking I'll get Aesics. Now I just have to figure out what store to go to. Then I can go to the gym and have something to workout with if I want to train there or work the heavy bag or something.
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