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Old 04-04-2011, 08:04 PM
habitat habitat is offline
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Cool Hanging out with his other partner / my metamour

So, my committed parter of seven months, Pretty (male, genderqueer), has agreed to ask his newer partner of four weeks, Ladybug (female, hetero, mono-comfy), if she'd like to go on a coffee "date" all together next week. They've been friends for a while, and I met her and spent time with them in a group right before they started dating. I like her and respect her immensely. They have very strong feelings for each other.

It's been rough the past month or so, since Pretty and Ladybug began dating. Boundaries were crossed on the Pretty/Ladybug end, feelings were hurt, guilt ensued, tears tears tears. Besides that, Ladybug is having a hard time with poly in general and often leaves intoxicated voicemails/texts for Pretty, late at night, seeming devastated and saying that she "can't do this". In the morning, she's usually embarrassed and ready to talk, but this has all been tough on Pretty and therefore, tough on me.

I've been doing a lot of research and a lot of reading on this forum and others. This has been an amazing find for me. I am a good communicator and have been talking, talking, talking. I think Pretty is a tad overwhelmed with all the work we're doing to keep our relationship healthy and get through the rough patches, but we are definitely seeing the benefits.

I'm pleased because I just met Pretty's family (mom, aunt, brothers) for the first time, which is huge for me. We got along swimmingly. Pretty and I are doing well at creating intimacy, even though time alone is becoming harder to come by. We also just established a fluid bond, a huge relief to my safety-concious brain (yay for oral sex and fluids!). He's also quit smoking again (Ladybug smokes, so he easily picked it back up when stuff got stressful), which I think will be a big help in a few more weeks, as his cravings can be all-consuming and often get in the way of conversation, when he's smoking and has recently quit.

Anyways, I am still working on some (now) milder feelings of jealousy. This helped me a lot when I wasn't sure what to do next. I want to establish a friendly relationship with Ladybug, and I want her to meet any new partners that may come into our lives. I want to see both of them together, and get comfortable with that. Pretty said he would talk to her about the three of us sitting down for coffee together for the first time as a V.

I am excited but apprehensive about this. I do not want to seem possessive or territorial. I am very physical. Pretty and I don't really open-mouth kiss or start necking in public due to his own discomforts (I wouldn't mind a bit), but we peck and I do tend to naturally lean into him and reach out for his hand a lot, etc... and he reciprocates and often initiates it himself. I think I've decided that this behavior would be less-than-appropriate for our first hang-out sesh together, based on the fact that she's expressing that the whole idea is a challenge to her.

I'm not sure that I'm ready to see them being uber-physical, so does that mean that I turn it all off in myself, too?

Can anyone relay their experiences with hanging out with metmours for the first time? Particularly ones who aren't necessarily poly-identified and are a bit jealous? Any advice or musings would help!

Thanks and appreciation

Last edited by habitat; 04-04-2011 at 08:09 PM.
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Old 04-04-2011, 10:02 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Can anyone relay their experiences with hanging out with metmours for the first time? Particularly ones who aren't necessarily poly-identified and are a bit jealous? Any advice or musings would help!

Thanks and appreciation
I've been in this situation before and fit your description at that time. I don't think the word jealous best describes what I felt leading into those meetings. Uncomfortable and awkward would better descride it.

I discussed these things in depth with Redpepper before we all met up and she discussed my concerns with her other patner. Her partner understood and they both were very considerate to my "newness". The result was I was much quicker to be comfortable around them doing intimate things around me.

We are talking about relationships that could last for some time so holding back shouldn't be a problem at least for a couple of meetings. I gurantee you it will pay dividends
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Old 04-04-2011, 10:21 PM
habitat habitat is offline
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Mono, I certainly don't mean to imply that her concerns about poly are illegitimate by saying that she is jealous. She has recently described what she's going through using that word, and I can certainly empathize with her! I have been experiencing jealously since they began dating. It is an uncomfortable and awkward feeling.

I do agree that the meeting itself will probably be low on the jealousy and high on the awkward, though. And I do think that I will refrain from being physical with him while we're in her presence for now.

I wonder if, as things settle, we'll both get comfy seeing each other being physical with him...?
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Old 04-05-2011, 01:31 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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It's been rough the past month or so, since Pretty and Ladybug began dating. Boundaries were crossed on the Pretty/Ladybug end, feelings were hurt, guilt ensued, tears tears tears. Besides that, Ladybug is having a hard time with poly in general and often leaves intoxicated voicemails/texts for Pretty, late at night, seeming devastated and saying that she "can't do this". )
SORRY!!! I just read the link again and think I screwed up who crossed the boundaries... my bad


Hats of to all of you for trying to bring your group together but perhaps a more detached approach to poly should be kept in the background as an alternate plan.

Good luck
Mono
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 04-05-2011 at 02:30 AM.
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Old 04-05-2011, 02:23 AM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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Well my wife's boyfriend and I are friends. We have our own conversations, our own inside jokes and interests that she does not share.

The first time we met was very brief, he picked TP up from our house. Mr A came in and said hello, shook hands and TP made her way outside to her car (she was FAR more nervous than either Mr A or I) To my surprise Mr A and I close the door as a joke to play on TP's nerves. From then on out he started coming around for dinner which eventually grew into a weekly hang out for dinner at our house; we've gone to movies with TP and out for dinner... We've not been able to do that since he moved away for work and it's honestly something I've missed.

I had to get over a lot of jealousy and insecurity, but that was with guidelines that allow me to be comfortable with TP and Mr A cuddling on the couch with me there or cuddling with Mr A there. I would say that just meeting the person is not enough, you need to get to know them...It made all the difference to alleviate anxiety.
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Old 04-05-2011, 06:47 PM
habitat habitat is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
SORRY!!! I just read the link again and think I screwed up who crossed the boundaries... my bad


Hats of to all of you for trying to bring your group together but perhaps a more detached approach to poly should be kept in the background as an alternate plan.

Good luck
Mono
Yeah, boundaries that I had established with Pretty were knowingly crossed by he and Ladybug, on impulse in a mess of NRE. We are all relatively new to poly and mistakes do happen. He hurt just as much over it as I did.

I have forgiven, and I know it won't happen again. I have requested this V meeting/date because I care very sincerely about my relationship with Pretty and I want to do everything I can to keep us close. The "detached" thing is not an option for us, me in particular. I think it will help me immensely to get to know her, and to learn to value her for the role she plays in his life. I also feel it necessary to recognize her for her, and not some sort of woman vs. woman competition, which is a notion so conditioned that even my staunchly feminist/queer lifestyle doesn't eradicate it. I have met her and like her. But I could love her for who she is to him, I know it. I want to make every effort not to demonize her, even if only in my subconscious. I feel like this is only going to come through learning more about her and possibly becoming a good friend of hers.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Indigomontoya
Well my wife's boyfriend and I are friends. We have our own conversations, our own inside jokes and interests that she does not share.

The first time we met was very brief, he picked TP up from our house. Mr A came in and said hello, shook hands and TP made her way outside to her car (she was FAR more nervous than either Mr A or I) To my surprise Mr A and I close the door as a joke to play on TP's nerves. From then on out he started coming around for dinner which eventually grew into a weekly hang out for dinner at our house; we've gone to movies with TP and out for dinner... We've not been able to do that since he moved away for work and it's honestly something I've missed.

I had to get over a lot of jealousy and insecurity, but that was with guidelines that allow me to be comfortable with TP and Mr A cuddling on the couch with me there or cuddling with Mr A there. I would say that just meeting the person is not enough, you need to get to know them...It made all the difference to alleviate anxiety.
That is very inspiring, IndigoM, thanks! I want to be able to eventually embrace Pretty in Ladybug's presence, and vice-versa. That's huge for me. Such a huge part of my relationship with him is about making contact and my comfort doing that, even in public. To forfeit that when we are around her would be uncomfortable in itself, and I'm hoping that, if she wants a snuggle or embrace, that we can all get to that point.

Fingers crossed and pushing through.
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Old 04-05-2011, 06:55 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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That is very inspiring, IndigoM, thanks! I want to be able to eventually embrace Pretty in Ladybug's presence, and vice-versa. That's huge for me. Such a huge part of my relationship with him is about making contact and my comfort doing that, even in public. To forfeit that when we are around her would be uncomfortable in itself, and I'm hoping that, if she wants a snuggle or embrace, that we can all get to that point.

Fingers crossed and pushing through.
It definitely took a while for the three of us to get there. Having the weekly group "dates" was really key in this.

It will certainly be awkward at first, but push through it. The rewards are worth it!!
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Old 04-05-2011, 10:30 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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When my ex-husand and I hung out with his gf, he would sit in between us and hold both our hands, the same the once the guy I was dating came to our house to watch a movie with us. For hand holding that seems to be...equitable. A short hello kiss and a bit longer goodbye kiss with the third person seemed to be fine with everybody in those situations, during early parts of the relationships. I suppose if I tended to french kiss people in public in general there would be more of a need for me to worry about if I was making anybody uncomfortable

At a coffee date I don't imagine I would show any more affection to my husband than a light brief touch on the hand or the shoulder, whether it was to get to know one of his partners or one of mine. At a party or other group event I would probably try to share the equal amount of physical affection with both my partners after a discussion about everyones comfort level, and he would do the same (exception being if one of my partners was at the event with their own date)

I do remember going to a cuddle party with my now ex while I was dating the man I'm married to now. My (then) husband was looking forward to meeting new people, and as my bf had asked me there, he assumed my bf was my date, I assumed my bf was my date, but my bf assumed my husband was my date, and I ended up being politely semi-ignored by both of them out of respect for the other. Luckily I ended up spending lots of quality time kissing some really great women which helped, but it has taught me to talk about things better ahead of time.

I find it different now that my husband is dating a woman who is married, that does not make me feel like I shouldn't hug or kiss him in front of her even if she is not currently cuddling with him in front of me, so I imagine I do tailor my affection levels in front of OSO's based on if they had spouses/serious relationships vs. being relatively single.
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Old 04-06-2011, 11:36 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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and I ended up being politely semi-ignored by both of them out of respect for the other.
Hah, over-consideration combined with lacking communication can blow up in your face sometimes!

I would be somewhat passive towards my partner and try to initiate positive and non-threatening physical contact with the metamour, such as a good handshake instead of a wave when meeting, and maybe a hug when leaving? Depends entirely on the general touchy-feeliness of everyone involved, of course.

Although I do realize your situation has changed since writing this post, habitat, I'm still curious as to if this coffee date ever happened and as to how it went?
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